I have consciously not posted about domestic help, as it has been one of the most challenging thing for me to deal with in the past few years. It has been a much harder transition for me than getting married (took a while, but we got the hang of it), having a kid (I'm pretty sure I was born to be a mom), getting an MBA (it wasn't even my choice! I swear Matt made me do it - see the getting married part above)...Now that our domestic helper of 2 years plus is leaving this week, I will do my best to sum up the complicated experience for me. I'm guessing this will be a long post.
When we moved to Singapore I learned about "helpers." I was admittedly SUPER judgmental about having a helper. It seemed like so many houses had a quiet Filipino lady who stayed in the kitchen, and it made me extremely uncomfortable. Most people didn't introduce me to their helpers, and they sort of floated quietly around the house. I grew up with a maid who came once a week, but she had the same status as us, had kids who went to my friends' school, and was like us - but just didn't have as many resources. The helpers here seemed to have a different status than their employers, and it didn't sit well with me. I vowed I would never have a helper, as it goes against who I am and how I work.
I then got a full time job and a few months later, got pregnant. When we looked into childcare, we learned that there are EXTREMELY few options for kids who are less than 18 months, and even at 18 months, day care was hard to find - it was schools. We couldn't find options anywhere near our house, and there are a few by our offices, but the hours were difficult. I knew one family who had kids in Singapore and didn't have a helper. ONE FAMILY (and the wife didn't work). We learned that the infrastructure is really set up for people to have helpers, and if you don't, it will be extremely difficult to have a kid and two jobs - perhaps impossible for us.
We decided to try it and see how it goes. We interviewed, looking for someone who has worked for an ex-pat family (there are loads of cultural differences inside the home, not to mention the cooking) and who has taken care of babies. We ended up with someone who was a bit too sophisticated for her job, and while she was a great person, we didn't feel we could trust her with our baby. We then decided to forget about ex-pat experience and baby experience, just looking for a good person with good work ethic. We found Rose when Sam was about 3 months old and she came to live with us right before I went back to work, when Sam was 4 months.
Rose's job as our "helper" is to facilitate our life, basically. She has set up all of the infrastructure so that we can work, enjoy being with Sam and enjoy our lives. And boy did it work. Her main priority is Samara, which means that since Sam was a baby, she was her full-time caregiver (I worked full time until October, a few months ago, when I switched to part-time). She takes her to the playground, the park and the mall, and on play dates with other kids in the condo. She takes her to music class, and she took her to the toddler "mommy and me" class that she was in for 6 months before she started school. Rose knew that when we were home we were in charge of Samara (99.9% of the time - very rarely perhaps one of us was home and the other had to shower...) and when we were out, Sam was her top priority. There were (many) days when I only saw Samara after work, around 6:45, until she went to sleep, around 7:30. Either Matt or I ALWAYS put Samara to sleep, until I was put on bed rest.
When Sam is sleeping or at school, Rose is also responsible for keeping our house clean. She usually does a big thorough clean on Saturdays but keeps it mostly neat, swept and dusted during the week. She also cooks dinner three times per week (we eat leftovers three nights and usually go out one), cuts fruit and veggies, keeps the kitchen organized, prepares all of Samara's food (she's a SUPER picky eater and eats about 7 items) and does the laundry and shopping. She usually does a big shop on Saturdays and picks things up as necessary throughout the week at the grocery store across the street. Saturdays she usually doesn't have any responsibilities with Samara and often would have lunch with friends or spend some time at the mall on her own. Sundays and public holidays she has been completely off. While we always offered for her to go out in the evenings, she very rarely took us up, and she often "babysat" for Samara, once we put her to sleep, while we went out with friends.
At first, I was so uncomfortable employing someone in my home, someone who doesn't feel comfortable eating at my dining room table with me, or someone who feels she needs to use a separate bathroom (seriously - like the Help? I have told her so many times that she can and should please use any bathroom in the house, but she won't)...It felt like even if I wanted her to be at the same "level" or social status as me, she didn't believe she was or could be. I decided that I would remind her that she is welcome to anything in the house, welcome to buy whatever food/toiletries she wants, and I would talk to her respectfully and treat her with respect, and that was the best I could do. Matt and I offered to help support her taking classes on entrepreneurship and other topics that would be a good investment in her future. She ended up taking a class on beauty (the one she wanted on caregiving was full...hm...), and she did end up opening a bank account. The bank account is a big deal because it means that she doesn't feel the cash in her pocket every month, and we gave her saving incentives so that she would not just send everything back to her family in the Philippines. We encouraged her to save for an investment in her future - whatever she thought would be a good one. We tried to teach her to negotiate for a higher salary, review her work and ask for things that she wanted - all of which made her extremely uncomfortable and did not come natural at all. With all of this, we realized we couldn't make her into a businesswoman, or we couldn't make her into something she didn't want to be. We would offer her all different types of support, but ultimately she really needed to want to use some of it.
Rose stays in a room off of our kitchen, with a small bathroom attached. When we discussed with her if she would prefer this room or a bedroom "inside" the house, she said she wanted this room, because it would be completely her space, and she could be separated from us when she was done with her work for the day. We tried to make the room as nice as possible for her - buying a nice mattress and nice bed, putting up shelves, offering cable (she didn't want a TV, and we have since gotten rid of cable), buying her a radio, alarm, reading light, stand-up fan...but it is still extremely small, not air-conditioned and makes me feel sick. She has happily stayed in it for the last 2+ years, and she seems genuinely fine with it, and we regularly check in to see if there is anything she wants or needs, but it is VERY hard not to project my own feelings. This, along with the salary, and the fact that she is so far away from HER family is the hardest thing for me, and this has literally kept me up at nights. Many nights.
Rose is from a small village, about 4-10 hours bus ride from Manila (depending on the bus). She is separated from her husband and has a 12 year old son. Her parents take care of her son. While I have no idea how she spends her salary, I know that Rose supports them in some capacity, and it seems that her siblings, who work in Manila, also help out. Rose went back to visit in January 2012, and she said she preferred not to go again. She will next see her son in about two years, after three years away, when he will be 14.
She has been an amazing fit for my extreme uncomfortability with the issue - which has led to an extreme lack of management due to extreme amounts of guilt. She has a fantastic attitude, a wonderful smile, does everything we have asked (and remembers so we don't have to ask again) and way more. To be honest, I don't think we could have asked for a better situation.
Ideally, I would love to have a helper who comes in the morning and leaves in the evening - like a proper nanny. Unfortunately for us, there are a very limited number of helpers who do this, and most of them are local and much less reliable, as I understand. I don't know anyone who has done this successfully with a local, and I don't believe it is possible with foreigners. There is no minimum wage, and after interviewing a lot in the last few months, I believe that most in local homes are being paid SGD$400-500 per month and a bit more in ex-pat homes. Granted these helpers have all of their housing, food and other costs (toiletries, medical costs, dental costs, trip home, etc.) paid for by their employers, these salaries are extremely upsetting. We decided to pay her at the top of the pay scale and also offer large holiday bonuses (if we were happy with her work, which we were), but it all still doesn't sit well with me. How far off the market can we get?
We have done everything we could to make Rose feel comfortable, welcome and most of all respected while working in our home. We are lucky that she has not taken advantage of us (as our first helper did) and has done an incredible job taking care of Samara and doing all of her other work.
Towards the end of 2012 Rose decided to actively pursue making it to Canada, which she believes will be a good life for her and potentially her son. She believes that moving to be a domestic worker in Chile will help her get to Canada, as she heard that the Canadian embassy there is more accepting of Filipinos looking for work permits. She applied to be a domestic worker in Chile, got a job, signed a contract...and then told us she was leaving. This was right around the time that I was leaving for my work trip which would ultimately put me on bed rest (this is my tenth week on bed rest - but who's counting?). Two weeks ago Rose got her visa and she will be leaving us on Friday night.
As I mentioned, this is one of the hardest things I have done in my life, as it still doesn't sit well with me at all, but it has been the best experience possible, given all of that. Samara absolutely loves her Tita and will miss her so much. She has enabled our life in a way that we will never have again when we leave Singapore, and we appreciate it every single day.
Our new helper, Alma, is starting today, and she also seems wonderful. Unfortunately I know I will have the same anxieties and guilty feelings which I had with Rose, and it will be very hard to manage all of it from my position of power in my bed (that was a joke), but we will all do our best, and ultimately I will be extremely thankful for the opportunity to have this help, especially given my life right now.
When we moved to Singapore I learned about "helpers." I was admittedly SUPER judgmental about having a helper. It seemed like so many houses had a quiet Filipino lady who stayed in the kitchen, and it made me extremely uncomfortable. Most people didn't introduce me to their helpers, and they sort of floated quietly around the house. I grew up with a maid who came once a week, but she had the same status as us, had kids who went to my friends' school, and was like us - but just didn't have as many resources. The helpers here seemed to have a different status than their employers, and it didn't sit well with me. I vowed I would never have a helper, as it goes against who I am and how I work.
I then got a full time job and a few months later, got pregnant. When we looked into childcare, we learned that there are EXTREMELY few options for kids who are less than 18 months, and even at 18 months, day care was hard to find - it was schools. We couldn't find options anywhere near our house, and there are a few by our offices, but the hours were difficult. I knew one family who had kids in Singapore and didn't have a helper. ONE FAMILY (and the wife didn't work). We learned that the infrastructure is really set up for people to have helpers, and if you don't, it will be extremely difficult to have a kid and two jobs - perhaps impossible for us.
We decided to try it and see how it goes. We interviewed, looking for someone who has worked for an ex-pat family (there are loads of cultural differences inside the home, not to mention the cooking) and who has taken care of babies. We ended up with someone who was a bit too sophisticated for her job, and while she was a great person, we didn't feel we could trust her with our baby. We then decided to forget about ex-pat experience and baby experience, just looking for a good person with good work ethic. We found Rose when Sam was about 3 months old and she came to live with us right before I went back to work, when Sam was 4 months.
Rose's job as our "helper" is to facilitate our life, basically. She has set up all of the infrastructure so that we can work, enjoy being with Sam and enjoy our lives. And boy did it work. Her main priority is Samara, which means that since Sam was a baby, she was her full-time caregiver (I worked full time until October, a few months ago, when I switched to part-time). She takes her to the playground, the park and the mall, and on play dates with other kids in the condo. She takes her to music class, and she took her to the toddler "mommy and me" class that she was in for 6 months before she started school. Rose knew that when we were home we were in charge of Samara (99.9% of the time - very rarely perhaps one of us was home and the other had to shower...) and when we were out, Sam was her top priority. There were (many) days when I only saw Samara after work, around 6:45, until she went to sleep, around 7:30. Either Matt or I ALWAYS put Samara to sleep, until I was put on bed rest.When Sam is sleeping or at school, Rose is also responsible for keeping our house clean. She usually does a big thorough clean on Saturdays but keeps it mostly neat, swept and dusted during the week. She also cooks dinner three times per week (we eat leftovers three nights and usually go out one), cuts fruit and veggies, keeps the kitchen organized, prepares all of Samara's food (she's a SUPER picky eater and eats about 7 items) and does the laundry and shopping. She usually does a big shop on Saturdays and picks things up as necessary throughout the week at the grocery store across the street. Saturdays she usually doesn't have any responsibilities with Samara and often would have lunch with friends or spend some time at the mall on her own. Sundays and public holidays she has been completely off. While we always offered for her to go out in the evenings, she very rarely took us up, and she often "babysat" for Samara, once we put her to sleep, while we went out with friends.
At first, I was so uncomfortable employing someone in my home, someone who doesn't feel comfortable eating at my dining room table with me, or someone who feels she needs to use a separate bathroom (seriously - like the Help? I have told her so many times that she can and should please use any bathroom in the house, but she won't)...It felt like even if I wanted her to be at the same "level" or social status as me, she didn't believe she was or could be. I decided that I would remind her that she is welcome to anything in the house, welcome to buy whatever food/toiletries she wants, and I would talk to her respectfully and treat her with respect, and that was the best I could do. Matt and I offered to help support her taking classes on entrepreneurship and other topics that would be a good investment in her future. She ended up taking a class on beauty (the one she wanted on caregiving was full...hm...), and she did end up opening a bank account. The bank account is a big deal because it means that she doesn't feel the cash in her pocket every month, and we gave her saving incentives so that she would not just send everything back to her family in the Philippines. We encouraged her to save for an investment in her future - whatever she thought would be a good one. We tried to teach her to negotiate for a higher salary, review her work and ask for things that she wanted - all of which made her extremely uncomfortable and did not come natural at all. With all of this, we realized we couldn't make her into a businesswoman, or we couldn't make her into something she didn't want to be. We would offer her all different types of support, but ultimately she really needed to want to use some of it.
Rose stays in a room off of our kitchen, with a small bathroom attached. When we discussed with her if she would prefer this room or a bedroom "inside" the house, she said she wanted this room, because it would be completely her space, and she could be separated from us when she was done with her work for the day. We tried to make the room as nice as possible for her - buying a nice mattress and nice bed, putting up shelves, offering cable (she didn't want a TV, and we have since gotten rid of cable), buying her a radio, alarm, reading light, stand-up fan...but it is still extremely small, not air-conditioned and makes me feel sick. She has happily stayed in it for the last 2+ years, and she seems genuinely fine with it, and we regularly check in to see if there is anything she wants or needs, but it is VERY hard not to project my own feelings. This, along with the salary, and the fact that she is so far away from HER family is the hardest thing for me, and this has literally kept me up at nights. Many nights.
Rose is from a small village, about 4-10 hours bus ride from Manila (depending on the bus). She is separated from her husband and has a 12 year old son. Her parents take care of her son. While I have no idea how she spends her salary, I know that Rose supports them in some capacity, and it seems that her siblings, who work in Manila, also help out. Rose went back to visit in January 2012, and she said she preferred not to go again. She will next see her son in about two years, after three years away, when he will be 14.
She has been an amazing fit for my extreme uncomfortability with the issue - which has led to an extreme lack of management due to extreme amounts of guilt. She has a fantastic attitude, a wonderful smile, does everything we have asked (and remembers so we don't have to ask again) and way more. To be honest, I don't think we could have asked for a better situation.
Ideally, I would love to have a helper who comes in the morning and leaves in the evening - like a proper nanny. Unfortunately for us, there are a very limited number of helpers who do this, and most of them are local and much less reliable, as I understand. I don't know anyone who has done this successfully with a local, and I don't believe it is possible with foreigners. There is no minimum wage, and after interviewing a lot in the last few months, I believe that most in local homes are being paid SGD$400-500 per month and a bit more in ex-pat homes. Granted these helpers have all of their housing, food and other costs (toiletries, medical costs, dental costs, trip home, etc.) paid for by their employers, these salaries are extremely upsetting. We decided to pay her at the top of the pay scale and also offer large holiday bonuses (if we were happy with her work, which we were), but it all still doesn't sit well with me. How far off the market can we get?
We have done everything we could to make Rose feel comfortable, welcome and most of all respected while working in our home. We are lucky that she has not taken advantage of us (as our first helper did) and has done an incredible job taking care of Samara and doing all of her other work.
Towards the end of 2012 Rose decided to actively pursue making it to Canada, which she believes will be a good life for her and potentially her son. She believes that moving to be a domestic worker in Chile will help her get to Canada, as she heard that the Canadian embassy there is more accepting of Filipinos looking for work permits. She applied to be a domestic worker in Chile, got a job, signed a contract...and then told us she was leaving. This was right around the time that I was leaving for my work trip which would ultimately put me on bed rest (this is my tenth week on bed rest - but who's counting?). Two weeks ago Rose got her visa and she will be leaving us on Friday night.
As I mentioned, this is one of the hardest things I have done in my life, as it still doesn't sit well with me at all, but it has been the best experience possible, given all of that. Samara absolutely loves her Tita and will miss her so much. She has enabled our life in a way that we will never have again when we leave Singapore, and we appreciate it every single day.
Our new helper, Alma, is starting today, and she also seems wonderful. Unfortunately I know I will have the same anxieties and guilty feelings which I had with Rose, and it will be very hard to manage all of it from my position of power in my bed (that was a joke), but we will all do our best, and ultimately I will be extremely thankful for the opportunity to have this help, especially given my life right now.
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