Clearly I can't speak for all westerners, or all Americans, nor can I say that all Asians or Chinese are something else, but I can say that we have had two helpers who are used to taking care of Asian children, and training them to take care of Samara has been an interesting experience. As we are starting to think about parenting a second child and training our new helper, Alma to care for a baby in a way that makes us most comfortable, it keeps coming up. Some examples:
Sleeping/Sleep Training:
When we were trying to teach Sam to put herself to sleep and sleep through the night (I think that was around 4 months?), we had to literally put Rose in a place where she couldn't hear her cry. She could not stand that we had asked her to not go to Sam when she cried. She said that you can rock a baby to sleep, or just hold them and they would stop crying. While this is true, we were very conscious to put her down when she slept and stopped rocking her to sleep at 2 months. I gave very clear instructions of exactly what she could do for naps and if we went out at night. Exactly how many books to read, stories to tell, songs to sing...When Sam was sleeping through the night, I told her that if she heard her crying if we were out for dinner or something, she should look at the clock, and she was not allowed to go into Sam's room until ten minutes had passed (Marla taught me this trick - ten minutes feels REALLY long when you're not looking at a clock and your baby is crying. Without watching the clock I can last about 2 minutes). In the 2+ years that Rose was with us, she went into Sam's room 2 times after she had gone to sleep, and we have probably gone in fewer than 8 (including the puking, fevery, or never quite fell asleep times) total. We always made sure that her crib was safe, so unless we thought she was super sick or really not going to calm down on her own, she was fine to cry there and ultimately go to sleep. A couple of times she cried for a long time and we found that she had taken off her sleep sac and pajamas...oops.
We interviewed helpers who slept in the same room as the babies. They were told to rock them to sleep every time they woke up. We interviewed one who had to hold the baby's hand at all hours in the night. She had to sleep next to the crib and never got a good night's sleep. For two years. Some say, "the baby wants to play" at 2am. Sure the baby wants to play. It's our job to teach them that 2am is not the best time for playing, keep the lights off and minimize interaction. This really seemed like a new idea to both of our helpers.
This one might just be me being a crazy mom (thanks to my hero, Weissbluth - and I'm forever grateful to Shana for sending it to me when I was pregnant with Sam!) not really a western/Asian thing, but I can say that both helpers have commented on this, that it's very different with Asian babies. We also see lots of babies and young at the mall or around Little India at 9 or 10pm. Samara is in bed by 7:30 every night unless there is a really special occasion. I have asked friends about this - and they say their kids also wake up around 7, but they just go to sleep late. They say they're not ready to sleep until midnight. Could be. Or could be that they're not given the opportunity. Though it also depends on the kid (I happen to have a sleeping child - and I bet our next one will be a nightmare - but maybe he/she will actually eat?).
Crying:
We asked Rose not to run to Sam when she started crying. When she woke up from her nap, we asked that she let her stay in bed a little bit (again - she is safe). I didn't want Sam to understand that people will always run to her at the first second. If it really seemed like something was wrong or she was in pain, of course we should run to her, but otherwise, she can wait. If she was frustrated because she couldn't reach a toy, or if she wanted something she couldn't have, etc., she could just wait, and sometimes she was able to sort it out for herself. Sam did not cry a lot, as far as babies go, so perhaps I would feel differently if she cried a lot. This totally shocked Rose and has surprised Alma as well.
Playing and Independence:
I asked Rose to let Sam play independently for at least a couple of hours per day. With three adults and one child, there was ample time to clean, cook and care for a kid, hands-on. I asked her to do work in the kitchen when Sam was awake, putting her on a play mat, or in her jumperoo or seat or something, to let her just be and learn to entertain herself. This also shocked Rose. She said that babies in the Philippines and others whom she has cared for were carried mostly all day long. I asked her to give Sam one or two toys and just let her be. This goes back to the crying piece - if she cried - she could just let her try to sort it out for herself, and often she did. Rose got used to this, and often I would come home and Sam would be playing with her puzzles, toys, coloring or reading on her own - and she is happy to do it. While I think this is probably totally common in the US, because parents are often working and there isn't full-time help in the house, as I understand, this independent play is not quite as common here (both helpers comment on other kids they cared for needing to be played WITH at all times).
This also goes for the playground. Last week I went with Alma and Sam to the playground, and Alma was on top of her. She ran after her, everywhere she went, nearly keeping a hand on her at all times. She helped pick her up when she fell down, and she carried her off the top of the slide when she got to the top. I explained that she can sit down at the side of the playground when Sam is at the playground, and that unless Sam is climbing to somewhere high she should not be with her. She should always keep an eye on her...but that's about it. If she falls down, she MUST let her get up by herself, and if she hurts herself, rather than picking her up, just tell her to shake it off. Acknowledge that she hurt herself, but let her find her own solutions (it's never TOO bad...). Her previous employer had said to stay with the kids at all times. She was shocked at what I was asking her to do.
We have also had some fun with this one around eating. Alma mentioned that in her previous family she fed the kids - even the 8 year old - each bite. She held their cups while they drank. She cleared their plates and did everything from start to finish for their meal. I encourage her to give Sam her food, either something she can pick up and eat, or cut it into small pieces, give her a fork, and let her be. She can sit with her and talk to her or read her books (my full experiences/challenges with Sam's eating will be another post, now that they're somewhat stable, and it might even be helpful for other parents' experiences...), but she should absolutely not feed her. And she must encourage Sam to clear her dishes when she is finished. I want to teach her responsibility - remember, she has three adults caring for only her...plenty of people to clean up after her...always. We also practice this with throwing out her diapers, putting her laundry in her basket, cleaning up toys, etc. She doesn't always do this, but we try.
Again, I can't totally stereotype, but I can say that the instincts of our helpers have been very different to how we parent, and what we're asking them to do makes them extremely uncomfortable. Rose definitely got used to it (and actually really loved it because it was WAY less work for her - especially around the sleeping piece), and I hope Alma does too.
Sleeping/Sleep Training:
When we were trying to teach Sam to put herself to sleep and sleep through the night (I think that was around 4 months?), we had to literally put Rose in a place where she couldn't hear her cry. She could not stand that we had asked her to not go to Sam when she cried. She said that you can rock a baby to sleep, or just hold them and they would stop crying. While this is true, we were very conscious to put her down when she slept and stopped rocking her to sleep at 2 months. I gave very clear instructions of exactly what she could do for naps and if we went out at night. Exactly how many books to read, stories to tell, songs to sing...When Sam was sleeping through the night, I told her that if she heard her crying if we were out for dinner or something, she should look at the clock, and she was not allowed to go into Sam's room until ten minutes had passed (Marla taught me this trick - ten minutes feels REALLY long when you're not looking at a clock and your baby is crying. Without watching the clock I can last about 2 minutes). In the 2+ years that Rose was with us, she went into Sam's room 2 times after she had gone to sleep, and we have probably gone in fewer than 8 (including the puking, fevery, or never quite fell asleep times) total. We always made sure that her crib was safe, so unless we thought she was super sick or really not going to calm down on her own, she was fine to cry there and ultimately go to sleep. A couple of times she cried for a long time and we found that she had taken off her sleep sac and pajamas...oops.
We interviewed helpers who slept in the same room as the babies. They were told to rock them to sleep every time they woke up. We interviewed one who had to hold the baby's hand at all hours in the night. She had to sleep next to the crib and never got a good night's sleep. For two years. Some say, "the baby wants to play" at 2am. Sure the baby wants to play. It's our job to teach them that 2am is not the best time for playing, keep the lights off and minimize interaction. This really seemed like a new idea to both of our helpers.
This one might just be me being a crazy mom (thanks to my hero, Weissbluth - and I'm forever grateful to Shana for sending it to me when I was pregnant with Sam!) not really a western/Asian thing, but I can say that both helpers have commented on this, that it's very different with Asian babies. We also see lots of babies and young at the mall or around Little India at 9 or 10pm. Samara is in bed by 7:30 every night unless there is a really special occasion. I have asked friends about this - and they say their kids also wake up around 7, but they just go to sleep late. They say they're not ready to sleep until midnight. Could be. Or could be that they're not given the opportunity. Though it also depends on the kid (I happen to have a sleeping child - and I bet our next one will be a nightmare - but maybe he/she will actually eat?).
Crying:
We asked Rose not to run to Sam when she started crying. When she woke up from her nap, we asked that she let her stay in bed a little bit (again - she is safe). I didn't want Sam to understand that people will always run to her at the first second. If it really seemed like something was wrong or she was in pain, of course we should run to her, but otherwise, she can wait. If she was frustrated because she couldn't reach a toy, or if she wanted something she couldn't have, etc., she could just wait, and sometimes she was able to sort it out for herself. Sam did not cry a lot, as far as babies go, so perhaps I would feel differently if she cried a lot. This totally shocked Rose and has surprised Alma as well.
Playing and Independence:
I asked Rose to let Sam play independently for at least a couple of hours per day. With three adults and one child, there was ample time to clean, cook and care for a kid, hands-on. I asked her to do work in the kitchen when Sam was awake, putting her on a play mat, or in her jumperoo or seat or something, to let her just be and learn to entertain herself. This also shocked Rose. She said that babies in the Philippines and others whom she has cared for were carried mostly all day long. I asked her to give Sam one or two toys and just let her be. This goes back to the crying piece - if she cried - she could just let her try to sort it out for herself, and often she did. Rose got used to this, and often I would come home and Sam would be playing with her puzzles, toys, coloring or reading on her own - and she is happy to do it. While I think this is probably totally common in the US, because parents are often working and there isn't full-time help in the house, as I understand, this independent play is not quite as common here (both helpers comment on other kids they cared for needing to be played WITH at all times).
This also goes for the playground. Last week I went with Alma and Sam to the playground, and Alma was on top of her. She ran after her, everywhere she went, nearly keeping a hand on her at all times. She helped pick her up when she fell down, and she carried her off the top of the slide when she got to the top. I explained that she can sit down at the side of the playground when Sam is at the playground, and that unless Sam is climbing to somewhere high she should not be with her. She should always keep an eye on her...but that's about it. If she falls down, she MUST let her get up by herself, and if she hurts herself, rather than picking her up, just tell her to shake it off. Acknowledge that she hurt herself, but let her find her own solutions (it's never TOO bad...). Her previous employer had said to stay with the kids at all times. She was shocked at what I was asking her to do.
We have also had some fun with this one around eating. Alma mentioned that in her previous family she fed the kids - even the 8 year old - each bite. She held their cups while they drank. She cleared their plates and did everything from start to finish for their meal. I encourage her to give Sam her food, either something she can pick up and eat, or cut it into small pieces, give her a fork, and let her be. She can sit with her and talk to her or read her books (my full experiences/challenges with Sam's eating will be another post, now that they're somewhat stable, and it might even be helpful for other parents' experiences...), but she should absolutely not feed her. And she must encourage Sam to clear her dishes when she is finished. I want to teach her responsibility - remember, she has three adults caring for only her...plenty of people to clean up after her...always. We also practice this with throwing out her diapers, putting her laundry in her basket, cleaning up toys, etc. She doesn't always do this, but we try.
Again, I can't totally stereotype, but I can say that the instincts of our helpers have been very different to how we parent, and what we're asking them to do makes them extremely uncomfortable. Rose definitely got used to it (and actually really loved it because it was WAY less work for her - especially around the sleeping piece), and I hope Alma does too.
No comments:
Post a Comment