When I was pregnant with Sam, I had a really easy and good experience. I felt good the whole time - no nausea, no puking, wasn't really tired until the last four weeks or so, kept up exercising (yoga 5 days a week until the end), ate healthy, worked full time until the end, was social...it was awesome. I had friends who hated being pregnant, but that wasn't me. I totally didn't mind. Don't get me wrong - by the end I was pretty ready to get my body back, but it just wasn't that big of a deal for me.
Then, after Samara's birth, I never quite went back to normal. I didn't understand why I was taking so long to heal, why I couldn't exercise for so many months after, why I just didn't feel energetic or good, again, when many of my friends just snapped back to normal. This was the first time (in my life?) when I felt really limited by my body, and I wasn't sure there was anything I could do to make myself better. Turned out I had retained placenta for the first six weeks, and then after I had surgery from that, I was just a total wreck inside my body...and never quite healed until after my corrective surgery in Jan of last year. No wonder I didn't feel right.
We had wanted to have three kids, close together, so we had wanted to try to get pregnant again in Summer of 2011. Yet another expectation which had to be adjusted - my body was not capable of that, and I learned to accept that, and even accept the fact that Samara might be our only child (not that it was easy - it was horrible). By some crazy miracle, I did get pregnant, but again, I set expectations that my pregnancy would be like last time. I stayed active - didn't feel sick (though I did feel more tired from 5-9 weeks or so), did my yoga as much as possible, ate healthy and didn't slow down. Until I was forced to at 12 weeks when I started bleeding. My expectations of a normal, healthy pregnancy are so gone, and right now best case scenario only includes a healthy baby.
My friend Susie, probably my closest friend in Singapore, was on bed rest for six months, until November. As she was going through it, I thought a million times to myself "I could never do that. I would go mad." I totally didn't get what she was going through, or what she needed to pull her through. All I knew was that I felt horrible for her, I wanted her so badly to have a healthy baby, which she did, thank god, and I wouldn't be able to handle it if it were me.
Now it is me, and somehow I'm ok. If your doctor tells you that you have to do absolutely nothing to save your baby, you do it. I don't let myself think about the future - like barely next week. I REALLY try to not count down the days/weeks/months until the end. I don't think my brain can process this reality, since it's so different to what I'm used to living, but it's happening, and now it's been 13 weeks.
I am not wearing any of those cute pregnancy clothes. In fact I loaned out nearly all of my maternity work clothes from last time, since I am not able to work (though to be fair - my mat clothes for work are pretty ugly). Now that I get to leave the house a little, I do have to actually find clothes that fit me, but not too many of them.
I am absolutely not allowed to do yoga or exercise - this is probably the longest I will have ever gone in my LIFE without exercise. I am barely allowed to walk, can't bend over, squat, etc. - absolutely no yoga for me. I am eating somewhat healthy, as nearly everything I have eaten is from our house, and we're (99%) veg at home, generally without sweets. Though when I was not allowed to leave my bed, eating sorbet, a cookie, piece of chocolate, bubble tea was one of my only happy things in my days...so I have been much less careful about this (though I still have only gained a couple of kgs, so hopefully it's ok). Last time I was careful to eat fish every so often and I was careful to eat some meat - now I just take what I can get.
I had the idea that having kids and being pregnant wouldn't slow me down - I would keep traveling, going out, etc., and this is the slowest I have ever been in my life. I will not be allowed to leave Singapore from Jan
until about 6 weeks after the baby is born. That's a damn long time (I have generally had a "leave once a month" policy since we have lived here).
So basically, all of my expectations have to be adjusted. I need to just get through each day, keeping this baby inside of me. I am not the parent I want to be right now (to either kid), not a fun wife, not a good friend, a terrible employee...but I am just waiting for it to be over. It's not at all what I would have wanted for a pregnancy, but yet again, I acknowledge that I am just so happy to be pregnant at all.
Then, after Samara's birth, I never quite went back to normal. I didn't understand why I was taking so long to heal, why I couldn't exercise for so many months after, why I just didn't feel energetic or good, again, when many of my friends just snapped back to normal. This was the first time (in my life?) when I felt really limited by my body, and I wasn't sure there was anything I could do to make myself better. Turned out I had retained placenta for the first six weeks, and then after I had surgery from that, I was just a total wreck inside my body...and never quite healed until after my corrective surgery in Jan of last year. No wonder I didn't feel right.
We had wanted to have three kids, close together, so we had wanted to try to get pregnant again in Summer of 2011. Yet another expectation which had to be adjusted - my body was not capable of that, and I learned to accept that, and even accept the fact that Samara might be our only child (not that it was easy - it was horrible). By some crazy miracle, I did get pregnant, but again, I set expectations that my pregnancy would be like last time. I stayed active - didn't feel sick (though I did feel more tired from 5-9 weeks or so), did my yoga as much as possible, ate healthy and didn't slow down. Until I was forced to at 12 weeks when I started bleeding. My expectations of a normal, healthy pregnancy are so gone, and right now best case scenario only includes a healthy baby.
My friend Susie, probably my closest friend in Singapore, was on bed rest for six months, until November. As she was going through it, I thought a million times to myself "I could never do that. I would go mad." I totally didn't get what she was going through, or what she needed to pull her through. All I knew was that I felt horrible for her, I wanted her so badly to have a healthy baby, which she did, thank god, and I wouldn't be able to handle it if it were me.
Now it is me, and somehow I'm ok. If your doctor tells you that you have to do absolutely nothing to save your baby, you do it. I don't let myself think about the future - like barely next week. I REALLY try to not count down the days/weeks/months until the end. I don't think my brain can process this reality, since it's so different to what I'm used to living, but it's happening, and now it's been 13 weeks.
I am not wearing any of those cute pregnancy clothes. In fact I loaned out nearly all of my maternity work clothes from last time, since I am not able to work (though to be fair - my mat clothes for work are pretty ugly). Now that I get to leave the house a little, I do have to actually find clothes that fit me, but not too many of them.I am absolutely not allowed to do yoga or exercise - this is probably the longest I will have ever gone in my LIFE without exercise. I am barely allowed to walk, can't bend over, squat, etc. - absolutely no yoga for me. I am eating somewhat healthy, as nearly everything I have eaten is from our house, and we're (99%) veg at home, generally without sweets. Though when I was not allowed to leave my bed, eating sorbet, a cookie, piece of chocolate, bubble tea was one of my only happy things in my days...so I have been much less careful about this (though I still have only gained a couple of kgs, so hopefully it's ok). Last time I was careful to eat fish every so often and I was careful to eat some meat - now I just take what I can get.
I had the idea that having kids and being pregnant wouldn't slow me down - I would keep traveling, going out, etc., and this is the slowest I have ever been in my life. I will not be allowed to leave Singapore from Jan
until about 6 weeks after the baby is born. That's a damn long time (I have generally had a "leave once a month" policy since we have lived here).
So basically, all of my expectations have to be adjusted. I need to just get through each day, keeping this baby inside of me. I am not the parent I want to be right now (to either kid), not a fun wife, not a good friend, a terrible employee...but I am just waiting for it to be over. It's not at all what I would have wanted for a pregnancy, but yet again, I acknowledge that I am just so happy to be pregnant at all.
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