Don't worry, it's (or should I say "he's") not born yet.
I VERY strongly did not want to find out the gender of our first baby. Matt did. He thought it would be easier to plan, mostly because of the bris situation here in Singapore (more on that later). I tried to want to find out. I even gave in for a few minutes once...but then I burst into tears - perhaps more hormonal than logical - and ultimately we didn't find out. I was SURE Sam was a boy, for no good reason. Everyone told me she looked like a boy, and I think here people want boys more, so they just say that to make you feel "better." EVERYONE has an opinion. I wrote about this last time.
When Sam was born, it was a c-section, I didn't have my glasses, I had been in labor for 31 hours, I was SUPER out of it...and the doctor held her up right in e of my face, with her legs open. He never said, "it's a girl." And it looked pretty puffy there (I guess that's what happens with newborns). Matt finally said, "it's a girl." I wasn't so sure. Sam was rushed off to get her stomach pumped and Matt went with her. I was reunited with them a few hours later, and I asked Matt if he had checked again. "Did you change her diaper? Are you absolutely sure it's a girl?" I didn't believe it.
I think it probably had no impact on my relationship with her. She became very real when she was born. Though it took a few hours to sink in, and our girl name wasn't as sure as our boy name, we were good to go.
This time too, I very much did not want to find out. Especially given how difficult this pregnancy has been, I didn't want to get attached to the baby early on (call his therapist in about 15 years...). I didn't want to set my own, gendered expectations on the baby (even though I have a Masters in Social Work and work in Diversity, I admit that I have gendered expectations for children, which I very much hope to continue to be aware of). I didn't feel comfortable that it would have a name (in mine and Matt's heads anyway) before it was born. I didn't yet want to picture what our family would be like...I just wanted to wait until it was born.
But...we live in Singapore...and we're Jewish...and it's complicated. I also wrote about this last time, but ritual, Jewish circumcision in Singapore is not so easy. Matt wanted to know for sure if we needed to plan this. Our parents all said they want to come for a bris (the ceremony on the 8th day) if it's a boy. All grandparents descending at the same time, when we live in a small, 1100 sq ft apartment with space for 3 comfortably on the couch...and a lot of competing for Sam's time...this is stressful stuff. I finally agreed that we would find out the gender, but could we please wait until the end?
I understand that it might be harder to see later on, as the baby gets more squashed in there, so at 31 weeks, we asked the doctor to look and write it down in my file. He did. And he did it quite quickly, so I assumed it was a boy (or he is a super duper ultrasounder - which is also probably true). Little did I know that Matt then called the doctor that week and asked what it was. Matt didn't tell anyone, and he didn't tell me that he knew until I knew.
This past Saturday, around 35 weeks, we decided we would find out. We brought Sam for the first time to see the ultrasound (though the baby is in such a great birthing position - YEAH! - that we couldn't get a good picture of its face, so she wasn't impressed...). We said we want to find out, so he started scanning between the legs, and he said, "you see, here is one leg, and here is the other leg, and if you see, there is something in between." Sam said, "I don't want a baby brother. I want a baby sister." Ah...2 year olds.
As everyone says, we would absolutely be so happy with either. Given how hard we have worked to get to where we are, I really, genuinely feel that any healthy baby is such a blessing. I sort of wanted a boy because it seems kinda like a nice family to have one of each, and both Matt and I grew up with only brothers...I sort of wanted a girl because it would be more convenient with the bris situation and we wouldn't have to get new clothes, worry about the pink scooter, and we have been there done that...but honestly, I would be happy with either.
I did have a dream a few weeks ago that we had to get a second opinion on something medical with a doctor, and Matt had my file. He read the whole thing, and then at some point when we were waiting for the doctor he said, "I won't let you do that to our son." I said, "our son? You know it's a boy?" and he said, "Yes. We're having a boy." In my dream I remember thinking that I was so glad we were having a boy, that I always wanted a boy, and that I hadn't felt like I could express that until I knew it was a boy. Perhaps that was somewhere embedded in my brain, but not in my consciousness!
So, the bris mobilization began. Options include:
I VERY strongly did not want to find out the gender of our first baby. Matt did. He thought it would be easier to plan, mostly because of the bris situation here in Singapore (more on that later). I tried to want to find out. I even gave in for a few minutes once...but then I burst into tears - perhaps more hormonal than logical - and ultimately we didn't find out. I was SURE Sam was a boy, for no good reason. Everyone told me she looked like a boy, and I think here people want boys more, so they just say that to make you feel "better." EVERYONE has an opinion. I wrote about this last time.
When Sam was born, it was a c-section, I didn't have my glasses, I had been in labor for 31 hours, I was SUPER out of it...and the doctor held her up right in e of my face, with her legs open. He never said, "it's a girl." And it looked pretty puffy there (I guess that's what happens with newborns). Matt finally said, "it's a girl." I wasn't so sure. Sam was rushed off to get her stomach pumped and Matt went with her. I was reunited with them a few hours later, and I asked Matt if he had checked again. "Did you change her diaper? Are you absolutely sure it's a girl?" I didn't believe it.
I think it probably had no impact on my relationship with her. She became very real when she was born. Though it took a few hours to sink in, and our girl name wasn't as sure as our boy name, we were good to go.
This time too, I very much did not want to find out. Especially given how difficult this pregnancy has been, I didn't want to get attached to the baby early on (call his therapist in about 15 years...). I didn't want to set my own, gendered expectations on the baby (even though I have a Masters in Social Work and work in Diversity, I admit that I have gendered expectations for children, which I very much hope to continue to be aware of). I didn't feel comfortable that it would have a name (in mine and Matt's heads anyway) before it was born. I didn't yet want to picture what our family would be like...I just wanted to wait until it was born.
But...we live in Singapore...and we're Jewish...and it's complicated. I also wrote about this last time, but ritual, Jewish circumcision in Singapore is not so easy. Matt wanted to know for sure if we needed to plan this. Our parents all said they want to come for a bris (the ceremony on the 8th day) if it's a boy. All grandparents descending at the same time, when we live in a small, 1100 sq ft apartment with space for 3 comfortably on the couch...and a lot of competing for Sam's time...this is stressful stuff. I finally agreed that we would find out the gender, but could we please wait until the end?
I understand that it might be harder to see later on, as the baby gets more squashed in there, so at 31 weeks, we asked the doctor to look and write it down in my file. He did. And he did it quite quickly, so I assumed it was a boy (or he is a super duper ultrasounder - which is also probably true). Little did I know that Matt then called the doctor that week and asked what it was. Matt didn't tell anyone, and he didn't tell me that he knew until I knew.
This past Saturday, around 35 weeks, we decided we would find out. We brought Sam for the first time to see the ultrasound (though the baby is in such a great birthing position - YEAH! - that we couldn't get a good picture of its face, so she wasn't impressed...). We said we want to find out, so he started scanning between the legs, and he said, "you see, here is one leg, and here is the other leg, and if you see, there is something in between." Sam said, "I don't want a baby brother. I want a baby sister." Ah...2 year olds.
As everyone says, we would absolutely be so happy with either. Given how hard we have worked to get to where we are, I really, genuinely feel that any healthy baby is such a blessing. I sort of wanted a boy because it seems kinda like a nice family to have one of each, and both Matt and I grew up with only brothers...I sort of wanted a girl because it would be more convenient with the bris situation and we wouldn't have to get new clothes, worry about the pink scooter, and we have been there done that...but honestly, I would be happy with either.
I did have a dream a few weeks ago that we had to get a second opinion on something medical with a doctor, and Matt had my file. He read the whole thing, and then at some point when we were waiting for the doctor he said, "I won't let you do that to our son." I said, "our son? You know it's a boy?" and he said, "Yes. We're having a boy." In my dream I remember thinking that I was so glad we were having a boy, that I always wanted a boy, and that I hadn't felt like I could express that until I knew it was a boy. Perhaps that was somewhere embedded in my brain, but not in my consciousness!
So, the bris mobilization began. Options include:
- The same Chabad guy from Melbourne that I mentioned 3 years ago
- Another Chabad guy now in Shenzhen (a "resident mohel in Asia")!!
- A Chabad guy in Israel who many people here have used
- A progressive guy in Melbourne who just started moyel-ing. He's a surgeon, and he hasn't yet done one out of Australia, but he seems to be somewhat open to it
- A guy in Perth who seems to do a lot. We don't know yet if he's open to coming to Singapore. Matt emailed him.
- A progressive guy from Connecticut who will be coming out to do a bris of someone else in our community. If the dates work (slim chance...it's her 6th, she expects to go very early, and she is due a week later than me...and we would have to give birth like 2 days apart for it to work...), then we would use this guy and split the cost with them
The challenge with these things is we have no idea when the baby will come, and all of these people have lives. So what will most likely happen is that we will get in touch with people when I go into labor and see who is potentially available. Then we would get in touch again on day three or four, when we can confirm that the baby is healthy (hopefully), and then we will book. It's a HUGE difference if we can book a flight from Shenzhen (prob about $400) vs from Israel (prob about $2,500). They all seem to charge/suggest a donation of about $1000 for the bris itself.
So...let the fun begin!!
And now I get to go through all of our baby clothes and find the 10% that will be applicable to a boy.
A son...
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