How to even put these feelings into words? I'm not sure, but I will try.
Where I'm coming from:
I feel I should start by saying I'm not Israeli. I am Jewish. My grandpa's siblings moved to Israel after the Holocaust - and one before - so I have cousins there. I spent my junior year of university at Hebrew University in Jerusalem. After finishing university, I spent a year as a volunteer on Otzma where we lived in an absorption centre for new immigrants in Ashkelon, just north of Gaza, heavily shelled last weekend. I also spent a few months in Kibbutz Shluchot, a religious kibbutz in the north, in the Beit Shean Valley, a few months in Nazareth Elite, in the north and a few weeks (or months? I can't remember) in Jerusalem. After Kenny died and I left my job at GW Hillel, I spent a year studying at Pardes in Jerusalem. In addition to those three years, I have visited many times. My family went on a tour when I was a child. Then as a 15 year old my parents let me fly over alone to visit friends and family (what were they thinking? It was a bit of a crazy trip...). I went on Ramah Seminar for a summer. Then my college boyfriend and I went to visit his family/my family and our friends during my sophomore year in college. I spent a summer in the summer program at Pardes. I went for a good friend's wedding in 2009. I went after a work trip to Jordan in 2018. Then we brought our family there for our first big international trip with three kids in 2018. I am probably forgetting some trips. I have a handful of good friends in different parts of Israel from all different parts of my life and have connections with hundreds of people living there. I am not Israeli - but I am so so deeply connected to Israel.
While at Hebrew U, the bus stop - my bus stop - outside of our dorms was bombed. Someone was hurt but not killed (if I remember correctly, it was a soldier who happened to be bending down tying his shoes, so he was saved). My year on Otzma was during the second intifada. Uprisings started over Rosh Hashana and many people left the country. A night club in Tel Aviv was bombed. There were many bombs that year. I remember being on a bus that was driving from the north towards Tel Aviv, and driving through Hedera, the bus had to take a detour to go around a bus bombing that had just happened. We saw the wreckage. I feared for my life on a bus one time when someone got on my bus driving in the valleys in the north. He had long sleeves, big backpack, etc., and everyone on the back of the bus, where he had sat, came to move up to the front, sitting 3 in 2 seats. I remember feeling like I didn't have a natural sense of what was safe and what I should do. Israelis knew what to do, I followed their lead. The man was fine. Nothing happened. A friend of mine from our time together at Hebrew U was killed in a bomb at the cafeteria at Hebrew U while she was studying at Pardes. Beyond a horrible loss. Having spent time in Israel and with lots of Israelis, I have experienced loss, fear, and I understood Israel's vulnerability in its geographic location. But what has happened over the past week has blown all of this out of the water. It's absolutely beyond anything we have experienced before.
I am absolutely not an expert in the history in the Middle East. I do, however, understand that it is a deep rooted conflict, and it's beyond complicated. Do I think it's fair that Israel pushed out people to have a safe place for Jewish people. Absolutely not. Removing anyone from their land is brutal. However, we are where we are. The history has happened. The situation in Gaza is awful and has been a humanitarian crisis since I can remember. I have no idea what the solution is - how Israel can be a safe place for Jewish people, and at this point, where do they expect the Palestinian people to go? I don't know. I truly don't get it. And what the fuck has Bibi been doing with the government over the last few months/years. It's incredibly complicated. But again - where are where we are, so we have to move forward. There is no other choice.
I will just say that I have nothing new to say. But I am writing to get my thoughts out, and I hope it helps me.
Disconnected thoughts:
My direct people in Israel are physically safe. I say physically safe, because no one is ok, but they're alive, and they themselves are not fighting on the front lines. Their children are. Their cousins are. Their neighbors are. And everyone knows someone - most people know many someones - who have been killed or are missing and presumed hostages. This from an email from an Israeli friend:
"Yesterday my daughter was informed that her workmate was among the hundreds of young people who were hunted and brutally slaughtered during the Peace Music Festival. My riding buddy’s mother, an American, is among the missing either taken hostage into Gaza or her body butchered to the point it cannot be identified yet (due to so many bodies being in this horrific condition). All three of my children have lost classmates. Several of our friends and neighbors have lost children. And we know there are still hundreds of unidentified bodies, wounded and hostages.
My daughter, my two nieces, and my son-in-law all called up for military duty. And we are the lucky ones. And I pray it will stay this way."
I keep thinking about people living in the south, especially Holocaust survivors, who trusted Israel to protect them. Many people living in these kibbutzim and villages were working for peace. They are not far right wing or settlers. They all trusted Israel. The IDF is the DEFENSE force - it's supposed to be the best in the world, focused on defense. What the fuck happened? Where were they? Where were they when people were fighting the terrorists or staying in their safe rooms for HOURS? Again - I am not a military expert. It's not a technical response I'm after - just a general question of how could something this big happen?
And I think about the poor survivors from the terror. How do they move forward after living through Saturday. Everyone is evacuated. Many lost their homes or their entire village or kibbutz. And HUNDREDS of people close to them. How do they move on?
As a friend who is Lebanese said this morning at school drop off when we were discussing the incredible loss and situation with no end game - It had begun to feel like everyone could almost co-exist. But after these events, she fears this is a situation that is seeding a whole new generation of hate. I agree. How can young Israelis or young people in Gaza move forward without deep hatred for the other who has caused their incredible pain?
I had wondered what it could have felt like during the holocaust, specifically for my grandparents, but really for anyone, to lose their entire family. Or lose their home, dignity, safety and community. I truly couldn't have imagined it in the past. Today I can. I am not experiencing it personally - being safe in London with my family intact, but I see what it looks like. I read the accounts of how people feel. What they're saying at funerals. Again, it's beyond what we can understand, but I see it happening right now.
I heard on Pod Save the World that Israel found 1,500 dead terrorists inside Israel. That is a HUGE number of dead people and doesn't include the number of people who made it back into Gaza, many of them with hostages. And they managed to kill more than 1,200 Israelis. In the past when three or four Israelis or soldiers were killed it was an absolute catastrophe. The whole country mourned. Think of their mothers. Their fathers. Their lost futures. The number of people lost this past weekend is beyond what we can comprehend. EVERY one of those people has a family, a lost future, people mourning. Truly beyond what the mind can comprehend. And, as I was discussing with Elie, every one of those innocent civilians in Gaza also has a family. It is too much.
The worst feeling for me in all of this is the incredible sense of dread, doom and hopelessness. How can this end? What the fuck did Hamas want to come out of this? How are they better off? What can Israel get out of bombing the shit out of Gaza? And I'm not saying they shouldn't - I TRULY don't know what the answer is - but what is the end game? What is the goal? How does this end? These are millions of PEOPLE in Gaza. But how does Israel not respond to such a brutal massacre. I have absolutely no idea - but it can only get worse. Many many more people are going to die and lose everything. And then what?
Personally, I find myself single parenting this week in a city I don't really know. I know there are plenty of people who don't love Israel in London. Probably plenty of people who don't love Jews. But I don't have a sense of if we are safe. Is the kids' school under threat? I have no idea. Is it safe to walk around downtown? Go to synagogue? The group that advises the Jewish community on security said that the call from the past leader of Hamas for a day of violence today should not set off anything big happening in London, and they have no reason to believe anything will happen. Hopefully that's right. I just recognize I'm in a new place - a place I don't have natural sense of what is safe - and this past weekend shattered every assumption I had of what is safe anyway. If terrorists could break into those secure kibbutzim and villages in the south, it feels like anything could happen. I suggested Sam remove her magen david from their neck for today. I have never felt a need for that before. But I'm scared and feeling vulnerable - so what can I control?
I called one of my closest friends this morning, and I can't say "how are you?" All I can say is I'm heartbroken too. I'm sending you love and I wish you strength, and one day, I really hope we all come through this into more peaceful times. But in the meantime, I guess we just wait and see and do what we can to help. And we listen.
To help, we donated a big chunk of money to a few organizations: The Federation of Metropolitan Detroit's emergency Israel campaign, Magen David Adom and an individual fund set up by friends of a friend, helping with military needs. I am checking in regularly on the people I love in Israel. Most of my friends are mothers with children at home all day - there is no school. I would like to organize donations of things - but to be honest, my network in London is so limited, it feels incredibly overwhelming to try to figure that out - so for now I will stick to money which people can use to buy what they need. And I have tried to share some stories - I hope that my friends who's facebook feeds are not FULL of dead people, lost children, murdered grandmas as mine is are seeing some of the brutality and atrocity. I know Israel will be vilified for responding. But I hope people see how bad it was. Beyond bad. I really hope they see it.
A few pics from our 2018 trip to Israel and some of the people we love in Israel right now.
