Corona Diaries

I am hoping this pandemic is a snapshot of our lives - not a new normal. I'm hoping I will forget about a lot of it, as one of my convenient talents is forgetting negative experiences. Thus, I have a nagging feeling I should blog about our experiences - at least once.

Broad overview: in January we started hearing about this virus that was killing people and shutting down China. Media covered it well, but we definitely got the sense that it was "over there." Discussions in my book club, which includes a pediatric infectious disease doctor and pediatrician, and with others in my life helped me understand that it would come to America, and we would probably have to shut down schools/life for a few weeks at some point in the spring.

First week of March, my parents were here, and it started hitting our world. A person who had the virus attended our childhood's friend's kid's bar mitzvah in Westchester County, NY. The family had been exposed and quarantined. A friend's school in Riverdale had cases and they shut down the school. It was here. I felt nervous about the guys in my house replacing our furnace. I was angry that someone turned around in my driveway, with their window open and coughed (I'm such a germaphobe - seriously). I called the kids' school, because I had learned that even with the virus and flu season, they were STILL not washing hands before eating snack or lunch. I BEGGED the nurse and teachers to make this happen. They got soap and made this plan on Wednesday, March 11th. That day we started hearing rumors that schools were closing and Newton was likely next.

Thursday I picked the kids up from school and decided that Hebrew School was not worth the risk of contracting the virus, so instead we followed a loose dog until we got it reunited with its owner. That was our last experience in the world as we knew it. That night we got a call from the superintendent that school was closing for a few weeks.

We had a few weeks of locking down at home. We played. We puzzled. Matt and I worked and kids played and played and played. The first day we made a list of activities we could do when we needed the. We cut them up and put them in a jar. They are still in the jar - the kids lead themselves and each other from one thing to the next each day. Seven months in, we are still not looking for things to do. In March I had no idea what the kids would be like, how they would play, did we have enough games and toys, would we be on screens everyday, etc. We had NO idea how long the shutdown would last. A few weeks didn't sound realistic, but a year sounded ridiculous. 

I blogged at this point - the experience to me was like bed-rest. I sort of shut down and stopped paying attention on a moment-by-moment or daily basis. I listened to news constantly, but the goal was just to survive. I stupidly took on a HUGE work project and worked really hard while the kids continued to play and play and play. Matt was working insane hours because the markets were a mess and developing countries were starting to get hit by Covid. Thank god our kids are so independent and really did a great job - though I do recognize that I cut out negative things (see paragraph #1...), so perhaps it wasn't so great - who knows.

I was with the kids a lot. Generally, all the time - other than a few afternoons per week and at least one weekend day that Matt took with them so I could focus and write. I was on calls here and there with Matt coming down when possible and me hiding in the extra bedroom when it was a video call or with super VIPs. When I had a morning or afternoon without calls, I took the kids on hikes, bike rides, swimming at the lake or to run on the field. We had fun. We visited friends and cousins from a distance. We stayed out of Newton Centre and Boston and anywhere there would be people and we kept active.

I could not be more relieved that our kids were the ages they were - had this happened between May 2015 and beginning of 2019 I would have broken quickly.

Activities of choice at home: building forts, magnatiles, lego, superhero/character play, dress-up, Monopoly, read-aloud ebooks. Samara read the entire Harry Potter series THREE times so far since March (plus at least 100 other books - she does not stop). I still hated dinner. I HATED (and still really resent) that I have to be with my children for every meal. And that no matter what I make there are still complaints, no one ever eats fast and never a thank you. Matt obviously didn't travel for work - he usually traveled about 8x/year, usually for 7-10 days. I didn't travel for work - I usually did 3-4 week long trips. We were HOME. We cleaned our own house - ok - Matt did most of that, it's not my strength. He did an awesome job. We were with our kids 100% of the time. No childcare. No camp. No school. No babysitters. Nothing. We had groceries delivered - I didn't go to any stores, restaurants or ANYWHERE at all for months.

We got a puppy. I have always wanted a dog, but we traveled a LOT. In addition to work travel, we went to Michigan usually 5-7 times per year plus went on other vacations and weekends away. Well...that was not happening for a while, and the family was finally convinced. We applied for a few dogs, but the shelter said they were getting TONS of applications. I emailed one of the adoption coordinators at Great Dog Rescue New England to have a conversation to learn more about the process and try to get her to know us, so perhaps she would put us forward when another dog came up. On Saturday morning at 6:30am I saw the CUTEST puppies listed. I quickly submitted an application and got a response. They got hundreds of applications for these puppies and took the posting down within a couple of hours. We were interviewed, etc., and finally, four days before we were supposed to get her, we were approved. More on Rainey and her history in another post. But we all love her and love having her.

Elie had surgery. He was born with webbed fingers (and webbed toes! But those you don't have to do anything about...we think he's part duck), and we had decided he would have the surgery sometime around 5-7 years old. We went to the hand surgeon in Feb or March, right before the world shut down. They called in June and said the doc had an opening, and they could schedule Elie. He finally went in on 9 July. This was the first time we really did anything out of the house, and Boston Children's Hospital seemed to do a great job with Covid. The surgery went really well. Elie was in a LOT of pain for a couple of days, but he was a super champ and did a great job. After the first two weeks, where he had a soft cast, I dressed his wound for two weeks and even was trained to cauterize the wound myself - GROSS - I mean, I was so happy to help. It's so cool that he now has separated fingers. 

Planned around Elie's surgery and follow up visit, we went to Michigan. We took two weeks and did absolutely nothing. We took Covid tests. So did our parents. We drove 12.5 hours with two quick stops to pee on the side of the road and also got gas at one of the stops. I drove the whole way there. I had dreaded it so much and assumed it would take 15 hours - we/I could not believe how easy it was. Kids played games, colorforms, character fighting, audio harry potter, stickers and who knows what else until the last 3 or so hours. Then they deviced. Rainey stayed in her crate in the back the whole time. She took up half the car, but she was a non-issue and amazing. We got to Bubbie and Zaydie's, I was brain-dead. Kids swam. Rainey ate too fast and puked, but other than the puke, it was all really great.

We ended up staying with Bubbie and Zaydie about 10 days and visited with my parents outside. We then stayed at my parents for about five days and visited with Bubbie and Zaydie outside. Lots of tennis. Lots of swimming. Playing. Relaxing. Well - I wouldn't say I was relaxed, but everyone else seemed to be happy. I decided that next time we go we should get an air bnb, but then everyone else decided that really I was the only one who needed my own place to stay, so I could just get one for me and everyone else is happy to stay with grandparents. Though everyone made quite an effort to isolate and had tested negative for covid, it still felt so stressful to visit with 4 people in the over-70 category. We visited lots of family (Grandma, Judy, Mare, Mark and Paula, Mike and Jess) outside and at a distance too, and that was super nice. We had missed Thanksgiving 2019 because we had the stomach bug and obviously passover 20 didn't happen, so we hadn't been with most family since Rosh Hashana 19 and the whole family since Passover 19. That's a LONG TIME.

We then rented a cottage on Elk Lake up north. It was five minutes from my brother's rental, and it was absolutely lovely. We hiked or biked everyday. We swam. We played on the play structure at the cottage. We made a fire. We ate food I didn't cook. We just really enjoyed the outdoors. We also got to spend a day with Mark and Paula on Walloon, which was extra nice.

I finally started sleeping a little bit. I almost relaxed. Our trip was just about over with no incidence. The last night of our time up north, we were on the porch eating dinner and drinking beer when I got a text message that my cousin had tested positive for Covid. And he had been with my grandma a few days before. And my aunt and uncle, whom we had been with shortly after. I don't feel that nervous about us getting Covid, but I do feel nervous about Grandma or any other relatives in my parents' generation. I also feel extremely stressed about us being vectors. We decided to cut our trip short and just go back to Boston. We had planned on visiting our parents at a distance for the last two days and then heading back, but we weren't 100% confident that everyone would actually stay distant, and since we had POTENTIALLY maybe been exposed to someone who had been exposed, plus my parents had been at a distance also with the cousins, we went to SE Michigan and slept one night in an air bnb and left a day early and drove back - again - SUPER easy. (Cousins got better, no one else got it, all is fine. I'm still a nut).

Back in MA, we quarantined until our negative covid test results showed up. We were meant to start school 8 September, and sometime in MI we learned we were starting 16 Sept. It turns out we didn't actually start until 21 (though we had 1 hr in person the 16th, 45 mins online the 17th and 1 hr online the 18th - somehow those counted as THREE FULL DAYS OF SCHOOL??). We selected hybrid for our kids - so they would be in school two mornings per week, online two afternoons, one morning and 2 full days. Our experience in March was a joke - the kids had 1.5 hrs of live instruction/connecting per week. Most of Elie's class time was spent saying good morning to each other and then they hung up. Samara's teacher was unbelievable and above and beyond. Koby's school tried online things, but he was 100% not interested. I had VERY low expectations for the online part and I was hoping they would be in person for a month before they shut down due to spiking cases. Lots online was saying "in-person school isn't at all what school is meant to be..." and I hear all of that, but seeing friends and teachers in person and also having the routine of going to school, having real expectations away from mom and dad, and building the relationship with the teacher and class was all SUPER important for my kids. Once they went in person they were ALL engaged in the online stuff. 

Samara is really completely independent - and I hope she's doing what she needs to do. I asked the teacher to please reach out if she's not, as I'm not checking up on her. She seems happy and confident. (She had a teacher in 2nd grade who labeled her lots of negative things that it took all of last year to undo all of that - and she's now doing great). Her keyboard tricks, online skills and reading is out of control amazing.

Elie's teacher is a superstar at tech and this online stuff. She's organized them on SeeSaw so they are really completely independent. Elie also feels really good about his work, and he went from never typing a word on a keyboard to creating lots of fun things. 

I was sure Koby would be completely unengaged in school online and was worried that he would not be able to sit still IN school. His teacher seems amazing, and in school he's LOVING it (I have no idea if he's sitting still and doing what he needs - but again - I assume she would tell me if I needed to know). He's also completely engaged online. They have made it so he is mostly independent too - though there are CAPITAL LETTERS IN ZOOM PASSWORDS, and that is the bane of my existence. He also does a LOT of independent work on SeeSaw. Some of his independent work may include drawing all over his face, but whatever. He's loving school and feels so good that it's HIS turn to be in kindergarten and go to Bowen.

Rainey is adjusting well. She's getting more loving, but mostly she's interested in dogs and food. She's pretty scared of life, but she's a lovely addition to our family. I met with a dog behaviorist last week, and she helped me understand that 1) Rainey was not bred from the best of the mom and the best of the dad. She was a random dog from two dogs living on the street. Her mom didn't have good nutrition during pregnancy and no prenatal care. Rainey did stay with her mom until she was weened, but she was not properly socialized, so even though we got her at 12 weeks (ish?) and did the absolute best we could with socializing her, she was still at a genetic and experiential disposition for not being the calmest and best dog ever. 2) She is scared of things, and we can't make her not be scared, but we can help her deal with that fear. 3) We have the absolute responsibility to keep our kids safe by keeping Rainey safe from them. She is an animal. She has every right to not want kids climbing all over her. She has bitten while playing (which is normal puppy behavior) and she has growled at the kids many times. I learned that if she gets what she wants with that growl - that the kids go away - she will not step it up a level to snap. We are working with the kids on appropriate puppy interactions, and they're doing a bit better. I'm working with Rainey on building her confidence and learning how to make her the most successful - put her in situations where she will do well and remove elements of others. We have met with a trainer a few times. We have done obedience 1 and are signed up for level 2 starting shortly. We met with the behaviorist. I have read books. Done research - we are absolutely trying our best. So far so good enough, and we love having her.

Matt has spent much of the pandemic working like a crazy person. Two people left his team, so he is covering a LOT of countries, and many global developing countries are issuing bonds as their economies are suffering, so he has a ton to do. He never complains - he's just upstairs working and working and working. He has mostly been able to take off weekends, and we have watched a few shows together - we watched the Spy, Schitt's Creek and loved it, and now we started This is Us. We haven't really watched shows together in a while or often, so it's a treat. He made a CRAZY garden including corn, jack-o-lantern pumpkins, butternut squash, GIGANTIC sunflowers, regular sunflowers, cauliflower, broccoli, potatoes, beets, LOTS of different types of tomatoes, cucumbers, SO MUCH KALE, basil, rosemary, mint, peppers...and probably more things. He set up a whole watering system, so it all grew like crazy while we were away. Neighbors and strangers who were on the field were impressed. Go Matt! Beyond work, the garden and fantasy baseball, Matt has not had a lot of time for anything else. 

I have generally enjoyed the time with the kids. We spent a lot of time doing fun things - hikes, bike rides, swimming, free time in the field, LOTS of playing in the house, games, reading. I have baked a ton, cooked a ton, knitted. I also took on a HUGE work project the first week of April. I wrote a how-to guide for financial institutions on developing and implementing a gender D&I strategy. It was so much work. It was REALLY hard to find time to work, which is always my biggest challenge - TIME. I realized that as school was starting, and we have two children who do not read - we need someone to support their online learning. And they're in school a total of 8 hours per week. The kids get kicked out of a zoom. They are unable to type "Music" (though they could totally type "music" - again those CAPITAL LETTERS...WHY???). They don't know how to spell something. They walk away from a zoom and get distracted with a shiny object. They can't tell time. They are LITTLE! Either we get a nanny and I continue to work, or I support them. I decided that it's really not fair for me to do most of my work on the weekends, at night or before 7am. Joining calls during the day was really stressful for me, as Matt's job is BIG. He really has set time to be with the kids while I was on calls and set a few afternoons where he worked downstairs so I could sit in the office for a few hours of quiet - but it is really stressful and didn't feel sustainable. Hiring not full-time help meant introducing additional risk into our house. Someone who is not full time likely would have employment elsewhere. And though our kids are going to school, we are definitely on the insane side in terms of risk management. We are barely going into stores, haven't been in anyone else's house, at a close distance at all or really done anything with others. We are SUPER cautious. Inviting someone and their individual choices into our house felt like it would be really stressful for me. We are super fortunate that we can financially make it work, and my work is (hopefully) the kind that can take a break and get back in when I have time again. So as of the publication of the guide last week, I am unemployed. I have joined the school's PTO and am excited to put some energy there. We have an amazing school community - a lot due to the PTO - and I can't wait to be a part. I had felt too stretched, with a pre-schooler, work and everything else on my plate, to be a formal member before. I will take my involvement in "Safe Routes to School" and Understanding our Differences into the committee and hope to do more as well.

It's hard to ignore the political situation. It's been so incredibly stressful and sad to watch our democracy be challenged by current politics and our president. I don't even know what to say, other than I am completely obsessed. Other than donating money and writing a hundred letters to voters in MI and OH, I don't even know what else to do - but it's insane. I can't believe we have such terrible leadership. IN A PANDEMIC. It's truly awful and costing lives for no reason other than incompetency and Trump's ego. 

As a general update so I don't forget later what our life is like now - I think this will do. I'll try to update more now that I have so much time!

Added photos to show our life - but they didn't come in order, and I don't have patience to re-order. So RANDOM photos below!

Fire on Elk Lake with Jer. Favorite part of Koby's summer.

Car ride to Michigan. SO. MUCH. STUFF. in the car. Samara is in the back.

Red sun when the smoke from the wildfires out West showed up all the way in Boston.

Elie's sleeping position after his surgery, to keep his arm up.

Kids on a hike in Newton - we discovered Webster Woods for the first time ever.

Bike riding and walking around Lake Michigan with Jer.

Matt's tall sunflower - not even at the top of its game! It bloomed and was AMAZING, but we missed it, as we were in MI.

Swimming, boating, messing around in the water at Savta and Papa's.

Getting creative with outside activities. Bubbie and Zaydie bring video games outside in the week we were visiting with them only outside.

Masks became a part of our lives - learning how to do it properly...Our friend Jen made us our first masks - this one included.

This was the only thing Koby did with his pre-school class on zoom. He made shields - highlight for him.

All of Elie's animals lined up on his bed.

So many pile ups on Weeks field.

And long chats on Weeks field.

Play dates at a distance. 

Elie has been wrapped in this blanket (from Uncle Dan!) since March.

More pile-ups on Weeks.

Lots of fighting and wrestling. Even in the hammock. 

And at Nancy and David's.

Field day/Color Day organized with a few families/friends on Weeks Field, since Color Day at school was cancelled this year.

We made a lot of Harry Potter wands.

Koby turned 5!!!

LOTS of tree climbing.

The earliest photo we have of Rainey - in Tennessee.

We didn't have Barbara come clean our house for many months, but then sometime in July, I think, she came back, and the kids and I went on an adventure. Matt holed up in the extra bedroom where he works. This is at Stage Fort Park in Gloucester.

One of Rainey's first days.

Matt was convinced, finally, to get a dog.

So. Much. Kale.

Many many trips to Crystal Lake. Rainey did not like to swim, though she reluctantly came for the walk and slept ON our bag while the kids swam.

She, like Kitty, loves sleeping in my legs. And when I am in the hammock, she comes RUNNING and jumps in.

For months, it seems, I played Catan, many nights a week, with my brother Matt and Eric, cousins. 

She is so patient with Koby.

Rainbow over Weeks!

We did this one hike - Mt Misery - VERY often during the last few months. It's perfect - 20 mins drive, can make it as short or long as you want, a bit of elevation, a tree to climb, beauty and once we saw SIX snakes on the hike - three different kinds.

We also did Cold Spring Park's loop very often. Rainey loves to climb too, and she's great at the balance beam.

One of our weirdest hikes was Dogtown in Gloucester. It was super creepy but interesting.

Elie's webbed fingers before they were separated.

And the other side.

We have cut our own and each other's hair since March.

Playdates at a distance with friends.

Elie had the best attitude and was such a champ for his surgery.

Post surgery and super drugged out.

We got weekly veggies from a CSA, and rather than figure out how to cook everything, for all greens and random items, I decided to make a quiche each week. Matt and I were the only consumers, but they were delicious.

So much reading and cuddling in the hammock.

One day, during the week we were supposed to be at Michigania, we were super sad. We went to go over to our friends', Susie and Matt's. At exactly 3pm, which is Cookie Man time at Michigania, Matt came out with freshly baked cookies to share with us. He, of course, had no idea that 3pm was Cookie Man time, but boy did it make our day. And the cookies were delicious.

One of our favorite hikes we found this year was Purgatory Chasm. The first time we did it, it was sort of scary, because it was a lot of rock scrambling at the beginning, and we weren't sure when it would end, but the kids LOVED it, and so did Rainey.

There was so much Rainbow Loom this summer. Elie couldn't use his hand, so he learned to do it on his TOES!

Susie brought me fresh, arranged flowers from her garden on a regular basis. Boy did that make me happy.

We found a few new hikes at Blue Hills - but we had to go at 7am to stay away from crowds.

Coronavirus testing. Ugh

Bounty!

Rainey checking out the view at Savta and Papa's.

Our car had never met my parents' car! or been in Michigan. It felt like a big deal, and we decided our minivan is kinda a part of our family in a weird way.

So much swimming in Bubbie and Zaydie's pool, for those two weeks. They were like fish.

Ketchup is so. good.

Visiting at a distance with Mare and Grandma.

My parents also got creative with outdoor set ups - tetherball!

Visiting Matt's Grandma.

And Mike and Jess - and introducing Rainey to her pup cousins, Alpha and Omega.

Elie turned 7!

Rainey felt at home at Papa and Savta's.

We figured out the bike rack!

We visited with Matt's friend from undergrad, up north.

Kids on paddle boards on Elk Lake, at the cottage we stayed at.

Jer and I biked at Maplehurst at least twice - it was such a treat (even with one break on my bike...). I went to the summer camp there in 1987 and Jer went for years. He's archiving the camp's interesting history and has been a great resource for those making the camp land a conservation area.

Kids at Lake Maplehurst.

Lake Michigan. At this beach Rainey ate a toad and started foaming at the mouth, and I freaked out. In retrospect it was hilarious. 

Matt and the boys hiking Maplehurst's trails.

yes. That's Michigania in the distance. So so sad.

We got to spend a day with Mark and Paula at their house on Walloon. It was sooo nice to see them and so fun and beautiful.

Walks with Jer and talking IN PERSON after so many (daily) phone conversations. It was lovely. I wish we lived in the same city - why don't we?

We had way more ice cream this summer. We took the Minuteman bike trail to Lexington and got ice cream there. Ice cream is always a motivator for my kids. We even got toppings. Because why not. Everything else sucks.

Rainey found great sunny spots.

Tree at Mt Misery.

We took a day to go to Crane Beach - the water was cold, but we loved looking for shells and just being on the beach. Super distanced and masks required when walking around.

And more ice cream - this one near Purgatory Chasm. Rainey thought that if she sat nicely maybe someone would share with her. No chance.

Walking to school for their ONE hour intro - Sept 17th, after six months of no school.

Yay!!!

Rosh Hashana. By ourselves. :( but we facetimed or zoomed with both families, which was nice/r.

Rosh Hashana s'mores with friends. Why not.

Patient puppy.

this is sideways, and I can't figure out how to change that - but this year, the backpacks are differently packed. They have extra masks. Mask cases - and the boys have an extra set of clothes that stay at school.

first day of kindergarten! walking home across the field.

I have a hard time when she doesn't look comfortable - but she sleeps in the weirdest of positions.

Koby has drawn all over his face on school zooms. Am I in charge? Is his teacher? I heard a "this is a reminder that markers are for drawing on paper not on faces" this week...then he came out with whiskers. 

Every night after dinner we walk around the block. This is on Oxford. We have loved the routine, seeing friends and moving our bodies. Often it's the only time Matt goes outside or moves all day. Poor dude.

Rainey loves my lap. So do the kids. It's a busy place. Photo by cousin, Tessa.

"Who wants to do my hair?" Elie loves brushing her hair (???), and she just reads.

Rainey during Kol Nidre.

Bounty!

Our sad sukkah. No decorations and no friends, but we ate in it nearly every night and many lunches. I suppose that was somewhat nice. 

Samara turned 10!

Samara's birthday party - 3 friends (two are siblings), a horse craft, Cabot's takeaway including icecream. It was lovely.

Purgatory chasm hike with Matt.

Shadows on the sukkah

our washing behaviors have changed. Now we wash masks.

Samara sent me this when I was out on the field with the dog one morning. She got Lucky Charms for her birthday. This just made me realize that we are in a new parenting age, and also that perhaps I could parent a bit better.

We let Rainey on the beds a bit - the trainer suggested she stay off furniture completely, but we all really want to cuddle with her. She first went to the end of the bed and curled up. Then she looked up and saw me and came closer to my legs. Then she looked at me and came right in my belly for a cuddle. 

Kindergarten is still kindergarten. And yup - my kid made a gun out of math cubes. at school. oy.

Waiting for curbside food at Whole Foods. They caused a lot of smiles with this position.

Apple picking with friends. The kids LOVED it.

Can you spot 5 kids in this picture?

One of these things is alive.

We got this pic right before we picked up Rainey

In place of our annual Michigania photo. Minus Jer. Plus Rainey.

Virtual piano recital

Strawberry picking - it was one of our first times out in the world.

So many forts and so much reading. Samara has read the entire Harry Potter series three times - plus tons of other books.

Our route.

We ate OUT! The shorts brewery brewing facility had a food truck and beer. It was SUPER distanced, and self-serve, and it was lovely.

Koby's working space.

Samara's working space.

Elie's working space

Mom gets distanced play dates too! (Photo by Sarah)

Break fast - clearly not after sundown - with two chavurah family friends.

The Overwhelmingness of it all

These are definitely some complicated times. In trying to figure out why I am not sleeping, feel totally exhausted all the time (yes, those are probably related...) and feel like my brain hurts, I realize that a lot of what I am feeling is Overwhelmingness (did I make up that word?).

Some of what I feel I recognize from the first month of the school year. Three kids in three different grades and with three different schedules means that it takes weeks to get used to the weekly schedule. Which days to make lunches for whom. When to pick up which kid. Which days I have time to cook dinner and which days we have to have leftovers (or fish sticks and pasta...). All of that takes a long time to embed itself in my brain. We call it routine.

Yet every single day right now is a different schedule, there is no routine, and this is impossible to embed in my brain. Koby has class meetings twice a week and other optional activities on Zoom twice a day (he couldn't be less interested in any of it, and I'm fine with that, but I want to keep offering it in case he changes his mind or misses his friends and teachers...). Elie has a book group that a parent organized every day and twice a week with teachers (not the same days each week) plus optional after-care activities on Zoom. Samara also has two class meetings per week plus a small group meeting once a week. She then has a VERY CLEAR guide of what to do during the day (she's doing awesome with this stuff).

So every morning I go through the day and set alarms in my phone. For example: 9:28 get ready for Koby's class meeting. 9:58 get ready for Elie's book group. 10:28, walk away from Elie's book group to set up Samara in her room with her class. 10:58 put movie/show on for kids so I can have a work call in peace then do some work. 3:43 set up after care activity. It's not a LOT, but it is multiple new things to be on top of on a daily basis.

Plus I'm constantly putting a lot of energy into food. We haven't yet gone to the store (I was legit crazy about germ stuff before this - I am not sure I can handle it, even though I recognize we are a low risk group), which means ordering groceries with a 5 day delivery lag then putting them in quarantine for 3 days upon arrival, so I have to be 8 days ahead of what we need PLUS it has taken up to four days to secure a delivery window, so this is up to 12 days. The fam has been mostly really flexible, and I am often making something like soup or lentils or rice and beans for me and Matt and just giving the kids grilled cheese, fajitas, fish sticks, pasta, waffles, etc plus side roasted and fresh veggies - items which require an argument to try/eat are mostly off their menu. Kids are eating the same nutritional value as normal (which is generally limited for Samara in normal times...) but without the fights. But this takes a lot of time and energy to sort out. Space in my brain.

And Passover is a whole additional level - I made chicken soup and matzah balls, hard boiled eggs, chicken, brussel sprouts, sweet potatoes, asparagus, fresh veggies and cake. Lots of planning in advance and lots of time - while also managing the kids' schedules and working (admittedly not all that much but still need to find time for it). Plus we now have the rest of passover. Can we make it? We may actually run out of K for P food, and I have to decide if I care.

Another overwhelmingness feeling comes from the outside world. As much as I can focus on my family and our survival, there is the reality of this disease, our healthcare system, friends and family who are directly impacted by the disease itself (not just the social distancing). When I have moments of happy with my family, it will randomly hit me, and I feel guilty not thinking about it all the time, when it's so many people's realities. But I can't. It's too much - so I let myself think about it sometimes rather than always.

I'll be honest. We did well when there were few/no obligations for the kids. Our days followed their interests (see previous post). It's also hard to spend so much energy to get them online when I don't believe my kids are getting much out of it. Samara enjoys meeting with her class and is learning about computers and some content, and she can navigate through her daily suggested plan BY HER SELF. The boys require me to sit with them the entire time they're at the computer, or at least be in the same room and be paying some attention to it.

I believe the boys (and Samara) get MUCH more out of being outside or playing. My kids are amazingly self-sufficient/entertaining, and they come up with some incredibly creative things, utilizing materials in cool ways, working together as a group, etc. They play games together which include math and a bit of reading plus turn-taking, and other social elements. They build with lego at an alarming rate and make some pretty cool things - engineering? I probably should be sitting and reading with them (especially Elie) a bit more, but generally I believe my kids, at their young ages, will be fine without consistent school and being in front of a computer for hours a day.

And I realized that for my mental health I need to continue to do things that make me happy - even when it seems like I have no time to do the things that I "have to" do. I have been playing games with friends and family online. We have a weekly Michigania games night that causes a lot of laughs and happiness. I have been boggling separately with my brother, uncle and dad and playing Settlers of Catan with cousins, brother and friends. Games make me incredibly happy.

Making food for people makes me happy. There is very limited capacity for this right now, but I have been able to order groceries for an old woman in our community - and I brought her a portion of our seder dinner. I had two friends who love my chicken soup with matza balls, and I brought a limited amount to them for Passover. Given that we don't have much extra food and can't get it quickly (see above), and that sharing food is potentially spreading Covid, this isn't super possible right now. I'm doing just a little of it, and that makes me happy.

Being outside makes me happy. The kids and I have been going for bike rides nearly every day - and they almost always choose to go to Nancy and David's house (they leave out lollipops for my kids on their porch and come and say hi from a distance - definitely both factors leading to this as their #1 destination), which also makes me happy. Playing sports with my kids outside also makes me happy - we have played a lot of 21 and H-O-R-S-E (Elie is getting pretty good at basketball!). Koby is amazing at throwing a frisbee - even for 15 year old (he's 4). Samara has set up a horse jumping course in our front yard and developed a fun game of "roll down the driveway sitting on a skateboard" which are fun to watch.

Seeing friends makes me happy. This is obviously VERY limited right now, but we live on a giant field that is the central point of our neighborhood (and our world). Many of our friends end up outside of our house at some point during the week, and we have said many hellos across the street - which makes me/us SUPER happy.

The biggest overwhelmingness part is the unknown of it all - how long will this last? how many people will die? how many people in my life will die? what will change in our everyday life when we get out of our houses? how can our economy survive? small businesses? how can our broken country and government support so many unemployed people in crisis? what will we miss that really matters a lot to us (um...camp...family...)? will the kids go to school this year (prob not)? next year? will life ever be as it was?

So, I'm trying to continue to focus on hovering above the reality of life (see previous post), though that is more complicated given the "school" obligations. I'm trying to continue to do things that make me happy. I'm trying to live day to day and not think about not going to Michigania or kids not going to summer camp or not seeing our family for MONTHS. A few months ago we would have thought that doing Passover alone would be so awful and hard, and now we have done that. We can handle more than we think we can - we just have to take it day by day. And we can get through this.

Visiting Nancy and David

Harry Potter shadow tracing and coloring

Samara reading #5 (on the heat vent, her favorite spot)

Showing Savta something

Samara on a Zoom call with her class

Painting rocks

Amazing moon rising over the field. Note the Christmas tree that they turned back on on Parker "because the world needed more light right now."

Seder prep

Seder with Fran, Tom, Mike, Jess and Dan last night

None of my videos will load. They're so entertaining. I wish I could share.

Permission to Survive and Let Go

I have given myself permission to survive.

We are playing a lot. We have a really rough - meaning flexible - schedule of play, outside, lunch, music (~1pm), play, clean/chores, outside, dinner (~5:15), bath/screen time, bed (7 for the boys, 8 for Samara). Thank god our neighbors gave us bins of lego last summer. The kids are building some amazing things. We have enough toys, puzzles and crafts to last us months. Nothing new - things that sit on shelves while we're running with our lives. We have a jar of ideas of "things to do" to pick when we need them.

I am not worried about my kids learning. They are learning - just not the same way or things that they would learn in school.

I know that all kids have different needs. Some need structure. Some thrive without it. I also know that at different ages, the social needs and needs for stimulation are totally different. My kids are at a sweet age where they are very happy to chill and play for hours and days at a time. I also understand that moms and dads have varying needs for structure and control. I'm usually one with a whole big need for control - but I'm trying to just. let. go.

As part of that, I have given myself permission to not know everything.

I usually listen to NPR and podcasts all day, read a whole lot of New York Times, check a lot of news sources on Twitter and am fairly informed about what's going on. I am one of the few that usually finds facebook a happy space where I can see friends and their lives. I usually find it a place to de-stress and fill my heart.

Right now people's anxieties, articles they're posting and other things are stressing me out - so I have been on facebook for about five minutes a day, until I see something that makes my heart pound, and then I turn it off.

I haven't opened Twitter since the weekend.

I read the New York Times headlines and that's it. I cannot do much to help the situation, and I find it so incredibly stressful to read about shortages of supplies, dying people and a whole world that is out of control.

I know that when I read that stuff I am short with my family, I feel paralyzed, I don't sleep and I can't function well. My main goal right now is to do my part by staying home - and to keep my home and my family in peace. I can do that by checking out, slowing my brain, playing with my kids, doing a puzzle, baking, going outside as much as we can - and just surviving.

I have lots of strengths - but being around sickness and germs is not one of them. I am awake at night in the midst of the summer worrying about the stomach bug. I'm the crazy one that my kids' friends know will make them drop everything, take off shoes and go immediately to wash hands upon arrival at our house. And then again before eating - even if they hare barely played with anything. I am USUALLY crazy about this stuff.

So what can I do to help? I have decided that I can't do much. I am not the person who is going to volunteer to do things out of the house or go shopping for anyone. However I am able to do a challah delivery (I think I can handle Rosenfelds - order and pay online and then just pick up) and I can order groceries online and deliver them from my house to someone else's doorstep. That's about all I can do (until we know where we can donate resources) - other than giving you permission also TO JUST SURVIVE RIGHT NOW.

Zoom all with the Tzrif - our what's app group from Camp Ramah in Canada 1990s

24 hours into a 1000 piece puzzle

lunch with mo willems (pretty cool to have access to him)

Koby's corona virus

Elie's guys playing "pass the corona virus" while the rest of the world plays "don't pass the corona virus"

Team puzzle

Bed Rest and the Pandemic (and a bit more)

These are some weird times. The world, and our life, is shut down. But not completely. I'm a very black and white person, extremely uncomfortable in the gray. I believe that's my biggest fault as a person, as it's hard for me to manage when expectations are not clear, things change at the last minute, etc. But here we are...

I have felt similar things twice in my life. After 9-11 I remember feeling so unsure of what the future will bring. It was the only other time I remember life shutting down - everything closed, and while we now know that things opened up again and classes continued (I was in grad school), etc. after a few days or weeks (though obviously life felt very different and many people lost those they love), at the time we had no idea what the next few days/weeks/months would bring. It shook our reality and brought and unknown future.

The other time was when I was on bedrest when pregnant with Elie. I didn't know how long it would be, though I knew it would end at some point, I didn't know when. I couldn't allow myself to think too much about the future, because I didn't know if the baby would make it - would we have a new baby, two kids, four people in our family? Or would I have a huge loss to deal with and have one child in our family? I couldn't think about anything in the future, because it would be so different if the baby made it or not. I had to sort of suspend time and my existence within it. I watched all of Downton Abbey, I played Ruzzle (like Boggle on the ipod), and I just existed. I couldn't read at the time - though I usually read a book a week, I couldn't focus. I had a few visitors and a few friends who called from abroad regularly, I had a routine of going to get shots twice a week and a latte at the Starbucks at the hospital that was a sad highlight of my life at the time - and that was it. I fully checked out.

But the difference there was that life went on around me. Samara went to school. Matt went to work. I could sit and look out of our 7th floor window and see life happening as usual outside City Square Residence. Now, all expectations of the (near) future must be suspended as was on bed rest, but stress is super high because people ARE dying, the virus is so unknown and seems to be spreading SO easily. We just don't know where this will lead - we don't know how to stay away from it - we don't even know who HAS it because tests have been so unavailable. Regular logic such as having tests available so we KNOW WHO HAS TO BE ISOLATED is not relevant here, which is so confusing. We know that people who were infected in China were complete isolated. Here people who MAY be infected are at home (infecting everyone else in their home). And life for the rest of us is most definitely NOT happening.

Schools are closed indefinitely (right now until 6 April). That's a lot of time with my kids.

Will my kindergartener now and my incoming kindergartener have Kindergarten Soccer in the Spring?

Will we go to Michigania - most of the people in our family's favorite week of the year (and Samara's "bud" every night in Rose, Bud, Thorn)? Will overnight camp happen?

How will we celebrate Passover? Can we drive straight through to Michigan if we're sure we're not sick and neither are our parents? Is that just stupid?

What will happen with all of the families who survive by working hourly jobs that are no longer happening?

What will happen with the families who have two full-time working parents and young children at home. It seems like a bad idea to have grandparents watch kids, babysitters bring in outside germs - there is only so much time you can get to work in this situation. Will the "bosses" agree to require a bit less? Who will pay? Where will the funding for all of the NGO's come from if they're not meeting their deliverables?

What about kids who are at home with grown ups who do not treat them well. What kind of lasting effect will this have on them? Ugh - this one feels so stressful.

When will this end?

And what are we doing this for? It does seem like it will flatten the curve, but if we are promoting social distancing, can we just STOP the curve - promote a sharp drop? Like at what point will we get back to life and the virus will not be spreading? It has to be eradicated for that to happen - or we will just be back at square one, right? Am I missing something?

On the other hand, I am EXTREMELY grateful for so many things. We live on a dead-end street on a large field. We have a beautiful lake a five-minute walk away. We have a great trail about .75 miles away, and it's a perfect 1.5 mile loop. We can drive to other hikes. We have resources, and Matt's work will continue (mine might not, but that's ok right now). My kids are healthy and super independent. My kids get along. My kids are at a sweet-spot age to spend time with their parents. They still like us. Thank god we do not have ongoing health issues. We finished fixing up our house and got a new furnace two weeks ago. My work is light and flexible, and while Matt's work is INSANE because the markets are a mess, I can totally spend time with the kids. I am so thankful I don't have a baby.

Koby's family selfie on the loop hike near our house in Cold Spring Park on Saturday

Watching a friend's Bar Mitzvah on Saturday, streaming at our temple (with Koby)

Biking on our street yesterday (see my shadow?)

I cut these all up and put the right two columns in a mason jar - we will pick one in the am and one in the afternoon (if we're not outside). The left column is ideas for PE - in a different mason jar.

Very rough outline of our day. Today we are in Free Play (Koby is a waiter and bringing all of us food, Elie is organizing all of the food on the kitchen table, and Samara is building a magnatile house for a bunch of animals). Outside soon and then piano on facetime at 11.

Full list of dinners I am prepared to make (with a side veggie for some/most) - kids can choose most days:

Chili (made last night)

Lasagna

Mac n cheese

Fajitas

Baguette grilled cheese (made last night)

Buttermilk pancakes

Waffles

Shakshuka

Hot dogs

Schnitzel

Pasta w pesto

Pizza

Empty sushi

Fish sticks

Rice and beans

Tortellini

Fake chicken nuggets 

Full disclosure I'm not up with the news. I have given myself permission to exist without knowing everything there is to know. I'm on facebook for a few minutes each day to see friend's cute kids and funny/happy things, but I shut it off when I see a stressful article posted, I am not on twitter and not looking at anything else right now.

Hang in there and stay healthy if you're reading this. Virtual hugs to all.

Thanksgiving of a Different Flavor

If we had gotten to our flight in time and not been delayed 3 hrs until midnight - dayenu!

If we had arrived after midnight and not puked all over the airport - dayenu!

If we had puked all over the airport but not puked all over my parents’ house - dayenu!

If we had puked all over my parents’ house but not broke the plumbing - dayenu!

If we had broke the plumbing but not backed up the basement - dayenu!

If we had backed up the basement and gotten to sleep before 4 am - dayenu!

If we had slept and had internet to occupy the kids - dayenu!

The plumbing was fixed on Thursday. The internet was also fixed on Thursday. The puking stopped until Friday night and then again today (WTF - STOP PUKING). We saw no cousins or relatives beyond the immediate parents and 2 of 3 brothers. We did not eat Thanksgiving dinner. It was a SUPER disappointing Thanksgiving - and those tickets were not cheap...to sit around my parents' house for five days...

BUT...
If we had landed safely and my parents hadn't dropped EVERYTHING and helped us survive - dayenu!

If my parents had dropped everything but not had a super nice Friendsgiving (with all the satisfying elements of Thanksgiving) with our awesome neighborhood community the weekend before - dayenu!

If we had a super nice Friendsgiving but not had amazing neighbors to shovel our walk while we were gone - dayenu!

If we had amazing neighbors shovel our walk but not had other amazing neighbors buy us essential groceries - dayenu!

If we had other amazing neighbors buy us essential groceries but we didn't have friends to walk or drive my kids home today or watch them until I could get them after going to the doctor with the sickster
- dayenu!

So all in all, these last five days have SUCKED, but we have an amazing community and people around us, and for THAT I am Thankful.

My Grandpa

My Grandpa passed away last week after living a very long and full life. His body had served him well, helping him to survive inhumane conditions during the German occupation of Poland during World War II, from 1939-1945. His body gave him the power to sing with the most booming, echoing voice from when he was a little boy until a couple of weeks before he died. (See the video below which barely captures it, from Hanukkah 2015). His body allowed him to play tennis until nearly 90 years old and have an active life until a stroke about a year and a half ago. Then, last Wednesday, it simply finished. His insides stopped working as they should. His breaths got farther and farther apart, and his body stopped living. At that moment he was literally surrounded by all 3 of his kids, my mom, me, my uncle, cousin, and Denise, his caring aid. He had waited for my Grandma to go and get dinner. She had literally been by his side nearly constantly for 71 years.

His life story is so insane - we should never forget what he and others at the time went through, because they were Jewish. The responsibility to keep his story alive feels very heavy, as there are fewer survivors left, including my Grandma, and their life stories are feeling farther and farther away from our current reality. Will my kids understand what it meant to be a Holocaust Survivor?

My grandparents' histories are a huge part of my identity and its formation. I have always felt the responsibility to LIVE as a Jew, given what happened to the rest of their families, and this has impacted my commitment to Jewish law (stronger at some times than others...), my choice of an observant Jewish summer camp, my major in college of Hebrew and Jewish Cultural studies and also many years of professional work in the Jewish community.

My Grandpa told stories constantly. We would joke about who had the best endurance to sit through hours and hours of stories. I did well in the 80s and 90s, and Matt took over in the '00s. He told us every detail we would listen to. Some of his stories were told through the lens of Coochie Boy, but they were all crazy details about what he had lived through during the Holocaust. Grandma NEVER talked about it. She would walk away when he started telling stories, and it was clear from when I was little, never to bring it up with her or ask her questions.

While studying at Hebrew University my junior year of college, in 1998, I decided to join a group trip on the March of the Living, where you go to Poland and learn about the Holocaust. I told my grandma on the phone that I was doing this, and she said, "Why would you go when it's so cold? Let's go together, in the summer." What? Ok...

(My Grandpa, mom and me by the front door of my Grandpa's apartment building in Czestochowa. My grandma, our guide, my uncle Mark, Mare and Kenny are on the street, on the right)

I did not go on the March of the Living, and two years later my mom had organized a trip to Budapest, Muncach (where my grandma is from), Cracow, Czestochowa (where my grandpa is from) including nearby Auschwitz (where my grandma was sent in 1944), and then Prague. My entire family went, along with my aunt and uncle and grandparents, and we saw the houses the lived in growing up - both of them. We saw my grandma's school and my grandpa's family's store. They told us stories after stories - both of them - and they saw their current life, in retirement in Florida with three successful children, 8 lovely (if I do say so myself) grandchildren - juxtaposed to their childhood homes that they had left with so much pain and suffering. I have thought of that trip so often in the years since, as this was my family's history, yet that life is so far away from what they/we have now. It was also one of our last family trips before my little brother died.

(my Grandpa, my dad and Kenny in Budapest - I believe it's Budapest)

Since I became an adult, we visited Florida nearly every year - even when we lived in Singapore - and saw my grandparents as much as we could. Sometimes we were also able to see them in Florida. Last year, they moved up to Michigan so they could be near their three kids as my grandpa's health had declined with his stroke.

We will miss my Grandpa, my kids' great-grandpa. Life already feels different without him.

Rabbi Joey Krakoff delivered an amazing Eulogy at his funeral last Friday. I have pasted it below, with his permission. What a life story.

I have also pasted below that the short remarks I shared at his funeral.

Hanukkah 2015

Cantor Joseph Birnholtz Eulogy; February 1, 2019
Dorfman Chapel/Clover Hill Park Cemetery
Rabbi Joseph H. Krakoff

Cantor Joe Birnholtz was a self made man who successfully raised himself up from the depths of evil perpetuated against him by the Nazis.  Through unwavering perseverance, a propensity for working hard, an intrinsic talent in music and art and a profound love of his Jewish identity, Joe created a truly beautiful life for himself and his beloved family.

Born in Czesktochowa, Poland- close to the German border- Joe was the devoted son of Bernard (Baruch Pinchas) and Miriam (Mindele) and the dear youngest brother of Chaim, Manya, Yaakov, Dovid, Menachem and his twin Doris- and I note that there was a significant span of twenty-two years between Chaim and Joe.

By his own account, Joe’s earliest childhood years were very happy- his parents were in the clothing business for many, many years and they owned both a department store and an apartment house.  Bernard and Miriam had a lot of people working for them and did quite well for themselves.  The family was very cultured and Joe grew up speaking Polish and Yiddish, taking piano and showing an early interest in the opera.  Joe so enjoyed going to shul with his father every Shabbat and when it was discovered that he had a melodic, strong voice- Joe began studying with the Cantor.  At just five years old, they would literally put Joe up on a chair in the synagogue and watch him sing- and Joe continually recalled how much he loved those days.

Sadly, this joyful, idyllic childhood changed rather suddenly on September 1, 1939- the war broke out, his town was invaded and everyone was forced to live in a ghetto.  Soon after, the Germans gave an order for everyone to take their belongings, weighing no more than fifteen pounds at most, go outside in the streets and line up. 

Joe’s parents gave him a backpack for his clothing and to put jewelry including gold chains, watches and rings to sell for bread when he got hungry.  Joe made it through the segregation line with his parents and sister Doris but then, all of a sudden, a German SS officer pulled Joe away from his parents and demanded he throw is jewelry in a suitcase on the ground or be shot.  Joe’s parents wee sent to Treblinka, two of his brothers were killed and Joe was taken to a Labor Camp in Czesktochowa with his pajamas being Joe’s sole remaining possession. 

From 1940-1945 Joe did all he could to stay alive, but many days he really thought it would be his last one on earth.  In the work camp there were beatings every day.  He had to walk to work during the winter months with snow on the ground, about five miles each way with no socks, wooden shoes and just rags for clothes- no sweater, no coat, no hat- Joe almost froze to death. 

Joe worked at an airport where they had to dig long lines of ditches in the frozen ground about five feet deep and fourteen inches long to install narrow pipes for water drainage.  They also had to run around the entire airport repeatedly in the snow to crush it down so the planes could land.  A usual workday was often 5am to 6pm and the Jews were not allowed to talk to each other while working or they would be instantly beaten or shot dead.

At the HASAG camp, Joe also described the interminable work of building barracks and machine shops, loading cement, work with heavy hammers and air compressors, cleaning empty bullet shelves and shoveling coal from the trains which got in his nose, ears and eyes- and if the train was not fully unloaded by 5pm, they would be shot. 

It was on the night of January 16, 1945 that Joe was liberated by the Russian Army after which he joined a kibbutz in Poland because his brother Chaim wanted him to get a solid education, which included learning math, history and religion and studying opera.  It was during this time that Chaim taught Joe how to walk on the sidewalk because until then- all the Jews were forced to walk in the street like a cow. Chaim also took Joe to a restaurant and showed him how to properly hold a spoon and how to eat with the acceptable table manners. 

On May 12, 1947 Joe arrived in America on a ship called the ‘Marina, Marina’.  As the story goes, Joe’s sister Doris was in line right in front of him at Ellis Island where she single-handedly decided to make herself a year younger by saying she was born in 1926 instead of 1925.  So as a twin, Joe knew he had to follow-suit exactly- and he made his birthday February 23, 1926 - which was fine at the time… although later in life- this split second decision cheated him out of an extra year of social security.

Now here is where the story gets significantly better.  From New York, Joe came to Detroit and began attending evening classes to learn English readying himself to become an American citizen.  And this is where Joe met his beloved Edith, who sat in front of him and Joe loved playing with her hair.

Edith, you recalled how you and Joe were the first ones in school to get engaged and it actually came as a huge surprise- to both of you! 

At a gathering of students during the Thanksgiving holiday, the women came out of the kitchen where the men were standing around asking Joe what he thought of you.  When he said he thought you were nice, without warning, the two of you heard the following words: "Lets everybody get up, drink a ‘l’chaim’ and say 'mazel tov’ to the couple that just got engaged--Edith and Joe."  Neither of you knew what to say but Joe said ok and so did you- deciding to go with it.  And just like that, you were actually engaged.  You were married a few months later on March 6, 1948 at a small shul on 12th Street.  Joe even got one day off for a honeymoon.  Ten months later Sandy was born at the rest is history.
The two of you shared so many special interests throughout the years- going to the theatre, having season tickets to the opera, playing cards and singles tennis until he was 89 years old- even in the midst of the noon heat in Florida- albeit the sign on the court read that singles was not allowed between 10am-4pm.  Perhaps the only thing you did not do together was play pool- a game he took up when he turned 75 and played religiously even after his stroke at age 92.

Edith, an example of your closeness was that you and Joe were actually shared one pair of reading glasses.  And you knew what he liked to eat, so whenever meal time came around, he would invariably say: Edith, what do I want to eat?”  When you would tell him, he would always be so grateful.  You sang in the choir with him and you especially looked forward to the duets you would perform together.   Whatever it was you never said no to him, he always wanted you by his side and even if it was only to watch television- Joe was always the most content when he was holding your hand.

When Joe first came to Detroit, he used his Polish to make connections in Hamtramack.  Among the earliest opportunities that came Joe’s way was to wash windows- but they were up on the 22nd floor- and Joe was clear that he did not come to America to fall to his death- so he understandably turned that job down.  Then, Joe was given the opportunity to paint a sign on a truck.  Joe painted with watercolors only to discover that his beautiful work quickly washed off in the rain.  It was only a minor setback, as Joe utilized his creativity, artistic talent and steady hand to meticulously craft window signs for stores.  Joe was proud of how he once decorated a bar in New Boston for Christmas and one year, he even won a prize for the best Christmas display at Northland- the most perfect recognition for a nice Jewish boy who was also a Cantor.

In the realm of window trimming, Joe dressed mannequins, using his great sense of fashion to decide what clothes to put on them.  And this meant that not only was his basement used for silk screening signs but it also held the random body parts for countless mannequins.

Joe liked to stay busy all the time so while working as an artist, Joe took a job at B’nai Moshe when he was hired by Cantor Katzman to be a soloist.  He sang with several Cantors including Cantor Louis Klein who taught him the ins and outs of being a full-fledged Cantor.  At first, Joe would play the piano, sing in the choir on the holidays and give recitals.  Before long though, he started traveling to other cities each year to conduct Seders and High Holy Day services. 

Joe’s first part-time job as a Cantor was in a rented church in Livonia where he helped cover all of the crosses and lead services in the basement. 

Then, Joe got a steady position for five years at Gemilus Chasadim a German synagogue on Greenfield between Seven and Eight Mile.  Joe also worked at Beth Aaaron with Rabbi Gorrelick after Hazzan David Bagley left. 
It was in 1982 that Cantor Birnholtz relocated with Edith to Louisville after he was hired for the job on the spot- much to the surprise of Mark who came home from college and found out that his parent’s had moved from Michigan.  Joe worked there for thirteen years until he retired for the first time in 1995 and moved to Florida.  But in the realm of shul hopping, Joe and Edith found an upstart Temple in a shopping mall in Boynton Beach.  When the rabbi heard how Joe’s voice was clear and booming, the Rabbi hired Joe right away and he became their inaugural Cantor until 2005.

Throughout the years, Joe wrote and arranged music and trained hundreds and hundreds of Bnai Mitzvah students who loved him and in whom Joe took such great pride in their accomplishments.  For all that Joe achieved in his career, he was aptly honored by the Jewish Theological Seminary with a Doctor of Music degree.

And while that recognition was very special, there was nothing more special than being the dear father and father in law of Sandy (Sue), Marilyn (Michael), Mark (Paula), loving grandfather of Jeremy, Melanie (Matt), Bryan (Mandy), Ashley (Craig), Jordan, Matt and Eric and the late Kenny of blessed memory and adoring great-grandfather of Samara, Elie, Koby, Sydney, Adelyne and Harrison.

As a father, he looked forward to taking you on family vacations and you went to New York once a year.  You loved his playfulness and how he taught you everything from how to drive to the fundamentals of tennis and Ping-Pong including how to perform his famous slice shot. 

Speaking of Ping- Pong, he made you a table out of plywood- but you could never put your hands down on the table because it was anchored on a pair of sawhorses and if you leaned on it, it could definitely flip up and injure you. 

Truth be told, plywood was one of Joe’s favorite materials to use- and out of it he built a giant Hanukkah menorah- that he covered with foil and special Christmas lights.  Whatever you wanted or could think of, your dad would happily create it for you.  He was a devoted father and father in law who always wanted the best for his family.

Joe loved to play chess with his grandchildren and draw with his great grandchildren- Joe would just find a random napkin and start drawing or sketching and his pen drawings of his years in Poland were so powerful and thought provoking.  All of you at one point heard his stories of Coochie boy that were admittedly so scary you couldn’t sleep for hours afterward.  You loved when he made his funny face and looked forward to making funny faces back at him.

When you were babies, he would take off his ring, watch and glasses- put them in his pocket- so as not to scratch you until they fell out of his pocket and well, did scratch you! 
As you got older he would excitedly call you up to the bimah to recite Ashrei- and then parade you around and show you off to congregants and friends.  He treasured all of you and his concern was truly for your safety and your happiness.

Friends, Joe was a survivor who by celebrating his Jewish identity and clinging to the traditions of Jews throughout the generations- built a wonderful new life here in America.  In Joe’s words:  “in the concentration camp many times we would ask: "Where is God?" We used to question.  But I am proud to be Jewish and really believe that God saved me because there were so many times I could have been shot. 
I don't know why God saved me.  My sister told me that my zeyde was a very pious, righteous man but there were a lot of people that were righteous.”

Joe never forgot where he came from- how could he- and all of the unthinkable horrors he experienced firsthand.  And despite it all, he was never bitter but instead- Joe was eternally grateful- able to find great beauty in the world- in people- in loved ones and constantly appreciating everything- even each meal which he regularly said was ‘the best he ever had’.

Even as his body slowing down, Joe really enjoyed going to the Brown Center and he so loved his amazing caregivers- Denise, Ashley, James and Jackie, and the devoted staff at Heart to Heart and Jewish Hospice.  Over the last many months Cantor Gross and I have been visiting Joe and singing with him- from Israeli songs to Jewish liturgy- and our lasting memory will also be how Joe out sung us all- holding on to the last few notes as long as he possibly could- with that booming voice that I know will continue to resonate in our minds as we continue to think of him and celebrate his life.

Having lived a life filled with yiddishkeit and mentschlekeit, surrounded by his loving family, Joe quietly slipped away late Wednesday afternoon, entering the Olam HaEmet, this highest world of truth and tranquility.  And now, as we gather in his memory we pray, may the precious soul of our beloved Cantor Joseph Birnholtz, HaChazan Yosef ben Baruch Pinchas u’Mindele, rest in peace, now and forevermore.  Kein Yehi Ratzon.  So may our prayer be God’s will.  And let us say: Amen.


Words I shared at his funeral:
Grandpa always said he would live forever. He said no one could live through what he lived through and seen what he saw and not.

After his experience losing so much of his family in the holocaust and so so many terrible and scary experiences as a child and teenager, he came to America with very little eduation and absolutely nothing and built a whole new life. We went back to Poland with him and saw a glimpse of what his life was like, and it was quite different than Detroit, and he had to navigate it all while dealing with the trauma.

He met my grandma and then had a partner forever.

He worked hard – doing whatever he could with his artistic skills, in both visual art with his painting and also with his singing – and he and my grandma together completely built a life.

He was so proud of what he accomplished. If you went to his house, it seemed like in every corner or drawer there was an award he had received, or a message about him in a newsletter that he wanted to share with you or an honorary degree to celebrate. He wanted to share it with anyone who would listen (and we did).

He was also so proud of all of us. I remember after Shabbat morning services, at Kiddush in Kentucky, he had to introduce us to everyone. I mean everyone.

And we were proud of him too. I have so many memories of sitting in shul and thinking “that’s my grandpa who leads all of this and has that amazing, booming voice.”

Often, I sit in my privileged life with my privileged struggles and I think about how he and my grandma got to where they got and all that they had to overcome to do it. It inspires me in the way I live my life.

He passes to me a strong identity of the legacy of the holocaust and a responsibility to continue to build this family and carry on the traditions that came with him to America.

So it turns out he will indeed live forever.