20 Years

Tonight is Kenny's 20th yahrzeit (anniversary of death). I always write this and feel this, so it's nothing new, but it's so hard to imagine what he would be like at 43. It's so incredibly disappointing to me that he doesn't get to be an uncle to my kids, and that they never get to meet him. It's so disappointing that HE could have had kids and my kids could have first cousins (they have none, even though Matt and I were both one of three). He was definitely a unique dude - almost always the centre of the room or the conversation. He brought up issues I didn't know to ask about. He explained issues I didn't understand. 

He had such a big presence - it would have been impossible to imagine life without him. When he died, it WAS impossible to imagine what life would be like without him - for all of us - his family, his friends, his ex-girlfriends :) but then slowly, life did go on, and it had a big hole in it. 

At the beginning, we missed him in everyday life. Holidays were so hard. Life events - I got married 2.5 years after he died - were painful. It was an everyday hole. But that hole wove its way into our life as our lives moved forward. Now the hole is really wide, but it's a bit shallower. His presence is barely anywhere in my life. I have a few pieces of his clothes, his guitar, his music (in storage right now...), his winter hat, and we don't think about his physical presence missing in our everyday life anymore - it's missing in an overall way. I'm not sure that would make sense to read, but to me it's been the evolution of grief.

At shul on saturday, I had an aliyah (and read torah for the aliyah) and said kaddish for him. In London, when you have a yahrzeit, everyone wishes you a long life. So I got a lot of wishes for a long life. And the rabbi said a word about him. It was super nice.

I read the part of the torah where Joseph sees his brother Benjamin after it had been a long while. Joseph had been in Egypt, and was very senior with Pharaoh, and Benjamin was brought down by Simeon, his brother, but they didn't realize Joseph was their brother. In the next aliyah, Joseph becomes overcome with emotion when he sees his brother Benjamin, whom he hadn't seen in so long, and has to leave the room. I have this recurring dream (less and less as time goes on) that I'm out somewhere, and I see Kenny, and I too am overcome with emotion, and I go to hug him, and I am thinking "he's dead. He's going to disappear when I go to hug him. This is just a dream. This isn't real." But every time, he stays there. I hug him, and it feels really nice. And THEN I wake up and I know it was a dream, but I wake up with the feeling of just having hugged him.

It's kinda funny, because I'm not sure that I EVER hugged him. We're not much of a hugging family, and we spent many a years not being the best of friends. But for his last few years, we were more like peers. Finally able to talk without him making crazy fun of me or hurting me. Had he stayed alive, I'm sure we would have become friends. It's just disappointing. And so fucking stupid that he's gone.

20 years.

This pic is from the last time I saw him. Up north, end of Dec 2003. We were lighting a menorah, hence the kippah. Upside down bc it was Kenny.

Grateful

Matt went to Boston for an eight day work trip. It was good for him. We were ok too. I can't even explain how grateful I was for being healthy while solo parenting. Those weeks before Thanksgiving were pretty traumatizing. 

I went to the V&A with a new friend (same one I have gone on other long walks and museum explorations with). We saw so much just wandering around, and we got totally lost and never saw anything twice. It's huge. 

Matt, when he is in town, has been helping with 2 6:30 pick ups per week. While he's gone, it's a bit challenging. If he's not in town, my Monday afternoons go like this:

2:30 leave the house to pick up at 2:55

2:55 pick up Jacob, Elie and two of Jacob's teammates and walk them to Paddington Rec

3:30-4:30 they have football practice and Elie and I read or hang (or we got a tea one day when it was raining)

4:30-4:50 walk Elie and Jacob to Elie's football practice at a school nearby

5:00 leave Elie, take Jacob home (about 35-40 minutes on the bus, depending on when the bus comes)

5:45 leave to go get Elie at football

6:30 go home with Elie. 

I'm mostly outside that whole time, so when it rains, it just sucks. I promised myself that I would try to take ubers on the long hauls when Matt is out of town, rather than taking the bus and walking. But last Monday, it was raining, and I tried to get an uber at 5:00 to get me and Jacob home (I couldn't - we took the bus. took 45 minutes), and I tried to get an uber to get back to pick up Elie, and I couldn't get one (I just put on running clothes and ran there, because at that point it was too late to take the bus, and I truly couldn't think of another option). I did get an uber home that night. It's a lot, and it's not real enjoyable. That day and others like it are over 30,000 steps for me.

Logistics and schlepping are definitely my biggest complaint here. 

Tuesday last week I passed my driving test! I have written about the process before, but it included a theory test that I took at end Sept (I passed), then I took a few driving lessons and my instructor said I was ready. So I booked a test - the earliest available for March. Then I paid some shady service to get it earlier, in mid-Nov. Then I had Covid, so I had to cancel and I BEGGED them to reschedule me an earlier test. I sent in a note from my doctor, my positive covid test and a pic of sores on the back of my throat. They wrote back after more than a week that I didn't have sufficient evidence. The note from my doctor was not on letterhead. So the doc office kindly put it on letterhead, and I resubmitted it all. Two Thursdays ago I got a call at 6:30pm offering me a slot on Tuesday the next week. I took it and begged my driving instructor to move things around so I could use his car (and apparently if I show up with him, that puts me on the good side of the examiner, because they all know him). He agreed. He picked me up at 8:30, drove me up north to the area near my test, and then I drove around and practiced some complicated things (roundabouts, stopping suddenly, backing into a parking spot, etc.) until 10:14, the time for the test. Then he waited in a waiting room, and I went out with an instructor - apparently I got the nicest one, the head instructor of the site. For about 20 minutes he told me where to go and what to do. I tried. Then he put on a satnav (navigation thing) and asked me to follow it. I had to tell him how I would check my brake lights were working. I had to show him how to clean the back window. I had to parallel park (I hit the curb for maybe the first time in my life - I'm actually a stellar parallel parker - I was nervous!). I went in a crazy roundabout. I went in 20 mph zones. Neighborhoods. It was all about 45 minutes with no feedback or small talk or anything. Then at the end I pulled into a spot at the test location and he told me I passed. He also told me the three things I was marked down for - but it wasn't enough to fail! PHEW! Now we can rent a car!

Sam had a choir concert at school. Elie had a learning celebration where he presented a city of the future with lots of sustainable energy sources and cool ideas.

Elie had a football game. Sam had a birthday party. I single parented on a lot of weekend days, but we survived.

A counselor from the summer camp Elie is going to this summer came over. (The camp is Bauercrest - a Jewish boys sports camp. It sounds awesome). BOTH boys got super excited. Jacob might go too. The counselor was so so awesome - he even babysat for Elie today. Nice dude.

We had a hanukkah celebration thing at shul and at Stephanie and Brad's. Both were actually really nice. I made three batches of latkas - one for us and our neighbors. One for Brad and Stephanie's. One for Elie and Jacob's classes. We only had Matt for four of the nights, but we lit all of the nights, and it was lovely.

Then, Tuesday night this week, Jacob complained his stomach hurt, and starting at 11:30, he was up, puking every half hour until 3 (there were 7 - I think that math works out, but I was pretty exhausted). It was a long night (and the first wasn't well aimed, so that took a while to clean up). SO GRATEFUL Matt was in town to help with the clean up. He was a sad mess on Wednesday - literally ate two pieces of toast that evening and that was it. Poor dude. Had a fever all day. Today his stomach was still a bit off, but he ate more and didn't have a fever. He will be home again tomorrow. I am PRAYING no one else gets it - or at least if we do, that it all be over by the time we leave for holiday.

For those of you keeping track at home, that's lice, pink eye, covid AND the stomach bug within two months. Nearly all of my anxieties!

In other grateful news, I was quite sure I booked tickets to Peter Pan Goes Wrong (which Sam super wanted to see) for Wednesday night. I put it in the calendar for Wednesday. Part of our London deal is that we will see all theater we want to see, but we will get the cheapest tickets to everything. So these were £15 tickets in the very very back of the second balcony, obstructed view. If you recall, for the last few plays we have gone to, we bought the cheapest tickets and then got upgraded, so it has worked well for us. Well, I called the box office on Wed to see if we could move two of our tickets to Saturday night since Jacob and I couldn't go (nope). I also called later because I couldn't check in to get my tickets emailed to me (she was able to email them to me). Then Matt took Elie and Sam, and the tickets scanned no problem. But when they got to their seats, there were people in them. In fact the theater was full. They went to an usher and the usher couldn't figure it out. They went to the box office. The manager at the box office realized that the tickets were for THE PREVIOUS NIGHT (I'm a total disaster, have I mentioned that recently?). And even knowing that, they said they had a box available. So Matt and the kids sat RIGHT to the left of the stage - like where the queen sits and ABSOLUTELY loved it. I am so so grateful. I wanted to write a letter, because if they went home without seeing the play, it was definitely all my fault, and I would have felt AWFUL, and this person didn't have to do anything and they let them stay. But I didn't write a letter, because I didn't want someone to get in trouble for doing that...I am so so grateful to that box office manager.

I have seen an osteo for my tennis elbow. She's doing acupuncture and other treatments. It does feel a bit better. Hopefully some rest over the holiday will help too. I haven't enjoyed tennis in the winter as much as in the fall. It's so rainy and cold. 

And today I got to go on another amazing walk. In the end today, I had 39,492 steps = 16.5 miles. This includes walking Elie to school this morning. We took the train to Mortimer and walked to some Roman ruins including an amphitheater and city wall. Then we walked to a pub for a lovely lunch and then walked in the country side some more and took the train back. I am SO SO grateful that Matt worked from home to stay with Jacob so I could do this. It is so wonderful when I get out and talk to lovely women and see beautiful things.

First night. With my parents on facetime

Elie's city of the future

The kids got a Nintendo Switch for hanukkah. They were SO excited.

can you see the hanukkiah behind us? there are THREE huge ones I have seen in our neighborhood/area

On the top of a double decker driving through camden market on saturday. so crowded!

i am so grateful to have an oven again. I baked scones

lotsa latkas

Night with the Hildebrandts

the walk to football on Mondays

Our first night all together. Night 5

Our local postbox is dressed for Christmas

The walk today. Roman wall near Mortimer. There was an amphitheater too

church from the 12th century

we were supposed to go over that bridge. Had to backtrack a lot and it got dark...

What's in a Name

We were sure Sam was a boy. So we had the name Koby picked out. For my brother, Kenny. Sam came out as a girl, so we quick figured out a different name we both had liked, and we named her Samara, for Matt's Bubbie (and a middle "K" for Kenny). We called her Samara and Sam for short. Around 4, Samara decided to be ONLY Samara, no Sam. So we tried and called her only Samara. Then, about 1.5 years ago, Samara decided to use they/them pronouns. So we practiced, and took some time, and after a few months, we were pretty good (took me a year to be pretty perfect). And they decided that Samara was their DEAD NAME and they were Sam only. I told Sam I found that a bit offensive, since it was for Matt's Bubbie and a beautiful name that we chose. But ok. Man it has taken a lot of effort and relearning and it's really hard to be mad at/scolding someone and have to think about their name or pronouns. But ok. And tonight they told me they weren't feeling so they/them, and now they're she/them. I'm tired.

When Jacob came along, we had just come up with two (really 4) names we were happy with, and we just weren't prepared to find another. We had really liked Koby and didn't get to use it, and we were so tired - when were we going to think of ANOTHER name? Sheesh. So we went with Koby. And in Hebrew, Koby is short for Yaakov, or Jacob, so we named him officially Jacob, after Matt's grandfather, Jack. (Matt wanted to name him Koby Jack, but I said that was too much like a cheese, so we went with Jacob A - A for my Zadie Al). We called him Koby. Always. Then after this summer in the States, Koby came back and asked to be Jacob at school. Then a few weeks ago he militantly asked (?) to be called Jacob at home. I have been working so hard on it. It's really hard to name someone something, raise them, talk to them often, etc., and then just change their name. But we have been working on it. Finally in the last few days I realize I call him Jacob when talking about him with Matt, and it comes much quicker to me. Yesterday I asked Jacob why he had changed his preference for his name, and he couldn't come up with an answer (which is ok...). Then he said, "well, you can just call me Koby. Actually every time you call me Jacob, you will pay me £1." Um. No. It's exhausting. We are one for three.

In other news, since my last post, I FINALLY got better. On day 6 of covid we flew to the US (no one else had covid) and had a lovely week in Michigan. We got to Thanksgive with both families. We had an open house celebration for Sam, and it was all super lovely. We had a week back in England before Matt took off for the US again. Mostly life has been a bit of tennis, a lot of rain and cold, some museum and lunch (I'm really trying to enjoy this not working thing) and we got a new oven! So I have even baked. 

I have been trying to understand what the rise in antisemitism means and looks like. So far it has felt very far away. At shul I asked someone how they are, and they said they don't ever remember a time this hard. And a neighbor (who has given us advent calendars for the kids two years in a row), who is married to a Jewish man, found out we were Jewish - we told her we weren't quite sure what to do with the advent calendars, but the kids were enjoying the chocolates. She asked me what I was doing to protect my kids from what is going on in London. Our life is really the same - school. Football. Hebrew school. A bit of friends. Repeat. I haven't done anything to protect my kids. Other than ask Sam to take off their magen david for a few weeks and tuck it in on the tube. And I asked Elie to stop talking about hanukkah in the uber. But I have no idea. Are we in danger? It does feel weird to be downtown on a Saturday with the Palestine flags everywhere, but I don't think anyone wants to harm Jews there - they just want Israel to stop killing civilians. But then I remember that acts of antisemitism are up 1350% in London, so yes, some people ARE trying to harm Jews...It's hard to understand.

I also got to go on another country walk last Thursday. This one was to Winchester. There is an amazing cathedral and Christmas market. It was absolutely gorgeous. So old. So beautiful. And we had a great christmas lunch in a pub.

Random photos...

Sam's finished sand art from their open house. The artist (Gail Kaplan) brought Sam a frame and background for theirs - it was so so nice)

Nancy arranged the flowers for the centrepieces

Grandma with all of the great grandkids. Hopefully we will have official photos too, but this one from my Dad (as all photos from that day are - I had my phone away)

Cousins!

Cousins!

Almost interacting

We flew RIGHT OVER CAMP RAMAH!!

Koby at the Henry Ford

Seeing your childhood in a museum means...you're old

Elie pulled out three of Kenny's guitars

The bakery that makes Sander's bumpy cakes is going out of business. This may have been our last. We LOVE bumpy cakes. For all occasions. For my whole life. 

Cute centrepieces imagined by Paula

Sand art project

Pinkberry in the Detroit airport before we flew back. My favorite

We got back at 6:30 am, and once we were home, the boys jumped onto the couch/chair and went to sleep for a few hours. We all did. It worked. Usually I push through, but since we got up early enough (12:30/1), we were fine.

The boys get dumplings from Hong Ma once a week. He's on our way home. They LOVE it

The cathedral in Winchester

City Street in Winchester

Old city wall in Winchester

By the dumpling guy (who is there on Tuesdays and Thursdays), is the crepe lady. This is a super special treat, but they got (and James, Elie's friend) crepes Friday after school. Jacob was still waiting for his.