Great Expectasia: October 2023

BIG PICTURE CHALLENGES:

We moved here just over a year ago. Right when we moved here, we had to find a shul - also because I like shul, and we wanted to get our kids going to Hebrew School (Cheder here), but also because Sam's B'Mitzvah was going to be the next fall. To be honest, it would have felt weird having it in Newton, since so much of our family (and good friends) is/are in Michigan and not Newton. But here? A B'Mitzvah is a celebration of becoming of age, with all of the people who came together to make your village and make you YOU. How could we do that in this new (COLD, uncomfortable...) place? I had many sleepless nights thinking about how awkward that would be, and how it just didn't feel right.

Sam doesn't really care about Judaism. Sam hates cheder, going to shul, couldn't care less about really anything Jewish. I think most kids (in Conservative Judaism) are like that. Eh. Sam did not want to have a B'Mitzvah. Sam is SO INCREDIBLY set in their ways and not flexible (read: stubborn). Sam manages all of their homework and responsibilities on their own, because if I got involved, one of us would kill the other. How was Sam going to spend a YEAR learning for their B'Mitzvah, when they couldn't care less and did NOT want to do it? I was not looking forward to this conflict. Oh, and somehow even though Sam has gone to Hebrew School their whole life, it turned out they couldn't really read Hebrew (WHAT???).

And then there was the gender thing. There are bar mitzvahs. Bat mitzvahs. But what do we do with a kid who wants to use gender-neutral pronouns? It's not just the name of the occasion. How is a gender neutral person called to the torah? How do they have a bracha said about them? How do we say this prayer that releases Sam from our responsibility, when it's all completely gendered? AND, Sam doesn't really feel they're in the wrong body, so this gender piece is something they feel strongly about, but it's more of a social thing - don't put me in a box - rather than a biological need that other trans kids really KNOW and FEEL. So how much do we make people jump through hoops for this?

And god forbid we try to celebrate this occasion. Last fall Matt and I took Sam to a cafe, and we sat and said, how would you like to celebrate your B'Mitzvah? We can go on a trip. We could take a few friends on a horse weekend in England. We could have a dance party. We could take friends to do something else in the city - we are really open to anything that you would want to do to celebrate you. Sam sat there and absolutely would not give an inch. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I don't even want a B'Mitzvah. NOTHING. Um...that wasn't an option. Then they had a dance party after school one day at school, and they said they wanted that for their b'mitzvah. Then they changed their mind at least six times after that and even last week, they said they were going to hate it and never wanted any of this. Well fuck.

AND then Israel and the awful situation. How do we celebrate at this time?

SMALL PICTURE CHALLENGES:

Two weeks before the B'Mitzvah, our oven broke. My parents were coming the next week to stay with us. We were hosting shabbat dinner the week before the BM as well as many meals during the weekend. A repair person was able to come two days before the BM itself. Two weeks without an oven. And seven people in the house.

Two weeks before the BM, I noticed lots of weird stuff in one of the kids' hair. I kinda forgot about it for a weekend, and then remembered on Sunday night and combed it out with a lice comb. There were SO MANY nits and three fucking lice bugs. Matt was out with his old colleague. This was my nightmare for years. We hadn't had it yet. We kicked into action. One kid took off all the sheets off all the beds and put them in the garage. One kid took all of the pillows and blankets and cushions off the couch and put them in the garage. I combed and combed and got all that I could see from the one kids' hair. Then I doused that kid with olive oil and sent them to bed. The other two did not have anything that I could see in their hair, and I combed them completely out (thank god for short hair!). I combed myself out and saw nothing. Did all the laundry. Put on new sheets. Even put the rugs in the garage. The next morning the kid with lice woke up super early, and I went through their hair and picked out about 13 bugs. I was quite sure there was nothing left. Lice comb. Short hair. Head lamp. Reader glasses. I really could see. I took the kid to the nurse to see if they were allowed to stay in school, and since it was treated and also the school has no policy - all went to school that day. That night we checked again and did lice shampoo. I checked all the kids every night that week and a week later - NOTHING. I got myself professionally checked. Nothing. But it was a lot of stress before this huge event. And my parents came two days after we found the lice. BLECHEEWGROSS. But we got it.

A week before the BM Koby fell on his face and had huge scabs. I had hired a photographer for the second time since we had kids (our wedding photographer did a session with Sam when Sam was probably 1.5). Yay! Scabby face for photos!

HOW IT ALL ACTUALLY TURNED OUT:

We absolutely LOVED our synagogue, New London. The Rabbi couldn't be more welcoming, and I just love how he is and what he says. He adheres to tradition and law but is progressive. But he respects all life and people for being different and being themselves. He is super smart and interesting, and I learn a lot from him. The community has been wonderful. I go to shul as much as I can. I really love it. Cheder has gotten a little less bad for the kids.

The shul worked with us on everything. They found a date for us, and then Matt realized he would be on a work trip until that Saturday morning, so they found a new date for us. They set Sam up with David Djemal, one of the cantorial leads at the shul, and he was unbelievable. Sam met with David nearly every week since January (38 sessions total), and he was so so so patient and wonderful with Sam. He taught Sam Hebrew, how to read for their haftarah, the torah, the brachot and also just how to sing and be aware of their voice. It was unbelievable. Sam had one hour with him online (and a few in person this fall) and then practiced for about ten minutes every night. Really nearly every night. And I wasn't involved. There was actually very little conflict. Sam just had it on their list of what to do, and they did it.

Sam worked with the rabbi in two online sessions, where the rabbi was taking notes as they were speaking. It turned into a d'var torah, and Sam edited it on their own and even asked their English teacher for input. They were happy with how it turned out, and they said they didn't want to practice, because then they would be so familiar with it that they would rush through it. So they only practiced a few times. Um. Ok.

The rabbi and David also revamped EVERYTHING to make their first gender neutral B'Mitzvah. They rewrote all of the brachot and made it all possible. And they truly seemed happy to do it.

AND IT ALL WORKED AND WAS AMAZING. Sam learned everything so so well. They were basically done more than a month in advance but kept practicing. So when they were up there on Saturday, it just all came out. Sam was AMAZING. They read torah and had an aliyah. They read haftorah and also delivered their d'var torah like a champ. They spoke slowly and clearly and meaningfully. Unbelievable.

Fran read torah for the first time. My mom read for the first (or I think second) time. I read (though I read a lot...). We all did great. All of our husbands had aliyot when we read. That was cool.

In terms of celebrating with community and our village, we realized that people can't just come to London. And those who can come to London, we honestly prefer if they come for longer and spend good time with us and see our life here. So two of our brothers were going to come, but when the alternative was to come in the spring for longer, we (including Sam) said we prefer that they come a different time. Same with a few friends. Though two families - those we were closest with in Newton - did come, and it was truly amazing. So in the end we had our parents and these two families, so they were able to all be around the whole weekend. We did every meal together and could just hang out in the house - so while it was a few people, it was a WONDERFUL few and it was small enough that we got great time with everyone. And to have those people whom we love so much in our house....oh my gosh. It felt so so good. AND we decided to have an open house celebration in Michigan to celebrate with family and friends there. We have a few friends here who are in our life and have been for a while. A few friends from Singapore. A few friends from Michigan. Plus ONE new friend family since we moved here (one of Sam's friend's parents). We had 18 adults and Sam was able to invite 28 kids, so we had 37 kids in all, including ours plus the kids of our family friends. It was 55 people. While our wedding was more like 350, this was wonderful. And the space I chose fit that size perfectly. The hora was too tight - the dance floor was small - but otherwise, it was perfect.

Sam was so so proud of how hard they worked and how they did. They had the BEST time celebrating. They said it was the best night of their life. Sam and their friends didn't get off the dance floor. Truly. Sam was so so happy in the end. Sam's friends gave speeches, and it was so so so so sweet. They so get Sam and appreciate Sam - even after just one year. It was beautiful to watch. They're the nicest kids. I love them.

I ended up getting a photographer to take pics of our family + grandparents before and during our rehearsal on Friday. We had dinner at our house on Friday (Nu Nosh catered with desserts from England's Lane). We sponsored kiddush that included some hot food, so that was almost lunch on Saturday - then everyone ate leftovers from the Friday night dinner early evening before the party. The food at the party (Princess of Wales Pub in Primrose Hill) was great. We got rainbow cake, as requested by Sam (Hummingbird Bakery). Rainbow straws. Sam's sour limeoneeeeeeigh'd (thanks, Jer). Sam decorated a limbo stick. Sam wanted grey hoodies (Team Togs), so we got those. We had a sign board (Zazzle) for people to write notes to Sam. AND THE DJ...(David Chernick) He set up lights around the venue that made it look even cooler than it already was. He made the whole thing happen and was AMAZING. He listened to us and learned about us and what Sam wanted and made it all happen. He fixed up the logo that Sam wanted. He created the invitation. And the party was ALL HIM. I also got a photographer to come take pics at the party (I don't have any pics yet, so all you will see here are from Sarah and my dad, because I put my phone away all weekend!). Then we had brunch at our house on Sunday (Roni's and Miel). Then everyone went to theater (or robotics) and came back for Indian food for dinner (Hazara). It was truly a perfect weekend, and I am so so proud of Sam. And I'm so glad it is over.

Noting again that the pics are from Sarah and my dad. And screen shots of the ceremony by friends.