These are definitely some complicated times. In trying to figure out why I am not sleeping, feel totally exhausted all the time (yes, those are probably related...) and feel like my brain hurts, I realize that a lot of what I am feeling is Overwhelmingness (did I make up that word?).
Some of what I feel I recognize from the first month of the school year. Three kids in three different grades and with three different schedules means that it takes weeks to get used to the weekly schedule. Which days to make lunches for whom. When to pick up which kid. Which days I have time to cook dinner and which days we have to have leftovers (or fish sticks and pasta...). All of that takes a long time to embed itself in my brain. We call it routine.
Yet every single day right now is a different schedule, there is no routine, and this is impossible to embed in my brain. Koby has class meetings twice a week and other optional activities on Zoom twice a day (he couldn't be less interested in any of it, and I'm fine with that, but I want to keep offering it in case he changes his mind or misses his friends and teachers...). Elie has a book group that a parent organized every day and twice a week with teachers (not the same days each week) plus optional after-care activities on Zoom. Samara also has two class meetings per week plus a small group meeting once a week. She then has a VERY CLEAR guide of what to do during the day (she's doing awesome with this stuff).
So every morning I go through the day and set alarms in my phone. For example: 9:28 get ready for Koby's class meeting. 9:58 get ready for Elie's book group. 10:28, walk away from Elie's book group to set up Samara in her room with her class. 10:58 put movie/show on for kids so I can have a work call in peace then do some work. 3:43 set up after care activity. It's not a LOT, but it is multiple new things to be on top of on a daily basis.
Plus I'm constantly putting a lot of energy into food. We haven't yet gone to the store (I was legit crazy about germ stuff before this - I am not sure I can handle it, even though I recognize we are a low risk group), which means ordering groceries with a 5 day delivery lag then putting them in quarantine for 3 days upon arrival, so I have to be 8 days ahead of what we need PLUS it has taken up to four days to secure a delivery window, so this is up to 12 days. The fam has been mostly really flexible, and I am often making something like soup or lentils or rice and beans for me and Matt and just giving the kids grilled cheese, fajitas, fish sticks, pasta, waffles, etc plus side roasted and fresh veggies - items which require an argument to try/eat are mostly off their menu. Kids are eating the same nutritional value as normal (which is generally limited for Samara in normal times...) but without the fights. But this takes a lot of time and energy to sort out. Space in my brain.
And Passover is a whole additional level - I made chicken soup and matzah balls, hard boiled eggs, chicken, brussel sprouts, sweet potatoes, asparagus, fresh veggies and cake. Lots of planning in advance and lots of time - while also managing the kids' schedules and working (admittedly not all that much but still need to find time for it). Plus we now have the rest of passover. Can we make it? We may actually run out of K for P food, and I have to decide if I care.
Another overwhelmingness feeling comes from the outside world. As much as I can focus on my family and our survival, there is the reality of this disease, our healthcare system, friends and family who are directly impacted by the disease itself (not just the social distancing). When I have moments of happy with my family, it will randomly hit me, and I feel guilty not thinking about it all the time, when it's so many people's realities. But I can't. It's too much - so I let myself think about it sometimes rather than always.
I'll be honest. We did well when there were few/no obligations for the kids. Our days followed their interests (see previous post). It's also hard to spend so much energy to get them online when I don't believe my kids are getting much out of it. Samara enjoys meeting with her class and is learning about computers and some content, and she can navigate through her daily suggested plan BY HER SELF. The boys require me to sit with them the entire time they're at the computer, or at least be in the same room and be paying some attention to it.
I believe the boys (and Samara) get MUCH more out of being outside or playing. My kids are amazingly self-sufficient/entertaining, and they come up with some incredibly creative things, utilizing materials in cool ways, working together as a group, etc. They play games together which include math and a bit of reading plus turn-taking, and other social elements. They build with lego at an alarming rate and make some pretty cool things - engineering? I probably should be sitting and reading with them (especially Elie) a bit more, but generally I believe my kids, at their young ages, will be fine without consistent school and being in front of a computer for hours a day.
And I realized that for my mental health I need to continue to do things that make me happy - even when it seems like I have no time to do the things that I "have to" do. I have been playing games with friends and family online. We have a weekly Michigania games night that causes a lot of laughs and happiness. I have been boggling separately with my brother, uncle and dad and playing Settlers of Catan with cousins, brother and friends. Games make me incredibly happy.
Making food for people makes me happy. There is very limited capacity for this right now, but I have been able to order groceries for an old woman in our community - and I brought her a portion of our seder dinner. I had two friends who love my chicken soup with matza balls, and I brought a limited amount to them for Passover. Given that we don't have much extra food and can't get it quickly (see above), and that sharing food is potentially spreading Covid, this isn't super possible right now. I'm doing just a little of it, and that makes me happy.
Being outside makes me happy. The kids and I have been going for bike rides nearly every day - and they almost always choose to go to Nancy and David's house (they leave out lollipops for my kids on their porch and come and say hi from a distance - definitely both factors leading to this as their #1 destination), which also makes me happy. Playing sports with my kids outside also makes me happy - we have played a lot of 21 and H-O-R-S-E (Elie is getting pretty good at basketball!). Koby is amazing at throwing a frisbee - even for 15 year old (he's 4). Samara has set up a horse jumping course in our front yard and developed a fun game of "roll down the driveway sitting on a skateboard" which are fun to watch.
Seeing friends makes me happy. This is obviously VERY limited right now, but we live on a giant field that is the central point of our neighborhood (and our world). Many of our friends end up outside of our house at some point during the week, and we have said many hellos across the street - which makes me/us SUPER happy.
The biggest overwhelmingness part is the unknown of it all - how long will this last? how many people will die? how many people in my life will die? what will change in our everyday life when we get out of our houses? how can our economy survive? small businesses? how can our broken country and government support so many unemployed people in crisis? what will we miss that really matters a lot to us (um...camp...family...)? will the kids go to school this year (prob not)? next year? will life ever be as it was?
So, I'm trying to continue to focus on hovering above the reality of life (see previous post), though that is more complicated given the "school" obligations. I'm trying to continue to do things that make me happy. I'm trying to live day to day and not think about not going to Michigania or kids not going to summer camp or not seeing our family for MONTHS. A few months ago we would have thought that doing Passover alone would be so awful and hard, and now we have done that. We can handle more than we think we can - we just have to take it day by day. And we can get through this.
None of my videos will load. They're so entertaining. I wish I could share.
Some of what I feel I recognize from the first month of the school year. Three kids in three different grades and with three different schedules means that it takes weeks to get used to the weekly schedule. Which days to make lunches for whom. When to pick up which kid. Which days I have time to cook dinner and which days we have to have leftovers (or fish sticks and pasta...). All of that takes a long time to embed itself in my brain. We call it routine.
Yet every single day right now is a different schedule, there is no routine, and this is impossible to embed in my brain. Koby has class meetings twice a week and other optional activities on Zoom twice a day (he couldn't be less interested in any of it, and I'm fine with that, but I want to keep offering it in case he changes his mind or misses his friends and teachers...). Elie has a book group that a parent organized every day and twice a week with teachers (not the same days each week) plus optional after-care activities on Zoom. Samara also has two class meetings per week plus a small group meeting once a week. She then has a VERY CLEAR guide of what to do during the day (she's doing awesome with this stuff).
So every morning I go through the day and set alarms in my phone. For example: 9:28 get ready for Koby's class meeting. 9:58 get ready for Elie's book group. 10:28, walk away from Elie's book group to set up Samara in her room with her class. 10:58 put movie/show on for kids so I can have a work call in peace then do some work. 3:43 set up after care activity. It's not a LOT, but it is multiple new things to be on top of on a daily basis.
Plus I'm constantly putting a lot of energy into food. We haven't yet gone to the store (I was legit crazy about germ stuff before this - I am not sure I can handle it, even though I recognize we are a low risk group), which means ordering groceries with a 5 day delivery lag then putting them in quarantine for 3 days upon arrival, so I have to be 8 days ahead of what we need PLUS it has taken up to four days to secure a delivery window, so this is up to 12 days. The fam has been mostly really flexible, and I am often making something like soup or lentils or rice and beans for me and Matt and just giving the kids grilled cheese, fajitas, fish sticks, pasta, waffles, etc plus side roasted and fresh veggies - items which require an argument to try/eat are mostly off their menu. Kids are eating the same nutritional value as normal (which is generally limited for Samara in normal times...) but without the fights. But this takes a lot of time and energy to sort out. Space in my brain.
And Passover is a whole additional level - I made chicken soup and matzah balls, hard boiled eggs, chicken, brussel sprouts, sweet potatoes, asparagus, fresh veggies and cake. Lots of planning in advance and lots of time - while also managing the kids' schedules and working (admittedly not all that much but still need to find time for it). Plus we now have the rest of passover. Can we make it? We may actually run out of K for P food, and I have to decide if I care.
Another overwhelmingness feeling comes from the outside world. As much as I can focus on my family and our survival, there is the reality of this disease, our healthcare system, friends and family who are directly impacted by the disease itself (not just the social distancing). When I have moments of happy with my family, it will randomly hit me, and I feel guilty not thinking about it all the time, when it's so many people's realities. But I can't. It's too much - so I let myself think about it sometimes rather than always.
I'll be honest. We did well when there were few/no obligations for the kids. Our days followed their interests (see previous post). It's also hard to spend so much energy to get them online when I don't believe my kids are getting much out of it. Samara enjoys meeting with her class and is learning about computers and some content, and she can navigate through her daily suggested plan BY HER SELF. The boys require me to sit with them the entire time they're at the computer, or at least be in the same room and be paying some attention to it.
I believe the boys (and Samara) get MUCH more out of being outside or playing. My kids are amazingly self-sufficient/entertaining, and they come up with some incredibly creative things, utilizing materials in cool ways, working together as a group, etc. They play games together which include math and a bit of reading plus turn-taking, and other social elements. They build with lego at an alarming rate and make some pretty cool things - engineering? I probably should be sitting and reading with them (especially Elie) a bit more, but generally I believe my kids, at their young ages, will be fine without consistent school and being in front of a computer for hours a day.
And I realized that for my mental health I need to continue to do things that make me happy - even when it seems like I have no time to do the things that I "have to" do. I have been playing games with friends and family online. We have a weekly Michigania games night that causes a lot of laughs and happiness. I have been boggling separately with my brother, uncle and dad and playing Settlers of Catan with cousins, brother and friends. Games make me incredibly happy.
Making food for people makes me happy. There is very limited capacity for this right now, but I have been able to order groceries for an old woman in our community - and I brought her a portion of our seder dinner. I had two friends who love my chicken soup with matza balls, and I brought a limited amount to them for Passover. Given that we don't have much extra food and can't get it quickly (see above), and that sharing food is potentially spreading Covid, this isn't super possible right now. I'm doing just a little of it, and that makes me happy.
Being outside makes me happy. The kids and I have been going for bike rides nearly every day - and they almost always choose to go to Nancy and David's house (they leave out lollipops for my kids on their porch and come and say hi from a distance - definitely both factors leading to this as their #1 destination), which also makes me happy. Playing sports with my kids outside also makes me happy - we have played a lot of 21 and H-O-R-S-E (Elie is getting pretty good at basketball!). Koby is amazing at throwing a frisbee - even for 15 year old (he's 4). Samara has set up a horse jumping course in our front yard and developed a fun game of "roll down the driveway sitting on a skateboard" which are fun to watch.
Seeing friends makes me happy. This is obviously VERY limited right now, but we live on a giant field that is the central point of our neighborhood (and our world). Many of our friends end up outside of our house at some point during the week, and we have said many hellos across the street - which makes me/us SUPER happy.
The biggest overwhelmingness part is the unknown of it all - how long will this last? how many people will die? how many people in my life will die? what will change in our everyday life when we get out of our houses? how can our economy survive? small businesses? how can our broken country and government support so many unemployed people in crisis? what will we miss that really matters a lot to us (um...camp...family...)? will the kids go to school this year (prob not)? next year? will life ever be as it was?
So, I'm trying to continue to focus on hovering above the reality of life (see previous post), though that is more complicated given the "school" obligations. I'm trying to continue to do things that make me happy. I'm trying to live day to day and not think about not going to Michigania or kids not going to summer camp or not seeing our family for MONTHS. A few months ago we would have thought that doing Passover alone would be so awful and hard, and now we have done that. We can handle more than we think we can - we just have to take it day by day. And we can get through this.
Visiting Nancy and David
Harry Potter shadow tracing and coloring
Samara reading #5 (on the heat vent, her favorite spot)
Showing Savta something
Samara on a Zoom call with her class
Painting rocks
Amazing moon rising over the field. Note the Christmas tree that they turned back on on Parker "because the world needed more light right now."
Seder prep
Seder with Fran, Tom, Mike, Jess and Dan last night
None of my videos will load. They're so entertaining. I wish I could share.
