Permission to Survive and Let Go

I have given myself permission to survive.

We are playing a lot. We have a really rough - meaning flexible - schedule of play, outside, lunch, music (~1pm), play, clean/chores, outside, dinner (~5:15), bath/screen time, bed (7 for the boys, 8 for Samara). Thank god our neighbors gave us bins of lego last summer. The kids are building some amazing things. We have enough toys, puzzles and crafts to last us months. Nothing new - things that sit on shelves while we're running with our lives. We have a jar of ideas of "things to do" to pick when we need them.

I am not worried about my kids learning. They are learning - just not the same way or things that they would learn in school.

I know that all kids have different needs. Some need structure. Some thrive without it. I also know that at different ages, the social needs and needs for stimulation are totally different. My kids are at a sweet age where they are very happy to chill and play for hours and days at a time. I also understand that moms and dads have varying needs for structure and control. I'm usually one with a whole big need for control - but I'm trying to just. let. go.

As part of that, I have given myself permission to not know everything.

I usually listen to NPR and podcasts all day, read a whole lot of New York Times, check a lot of news sources on Twitter and am fairly informed about what's going on. I am one of the few that usually finds facebook a happy space where I can see friends and their lives. I usually find it a place to de-stress and fill my heart.

Right now people's anxieties, articles they're posting and other things are stressing me out - so I have been on facebook for about five minutes a day, until I see something that makes my heart pound, and then I turn it off.

I haven't opened Twitter since the weekend.

I read the New York Times headlines and that's it. I cannot do much to help the situation, and I find it so incredibly stressful to read about shortages of supplies, dying people and a whole world that is out of control.

I know that when I read that stuff I am short with my family, I feel paralyzed, I don't sleep and I can't function well. My main goal right now is to do my part by staying home - and to keep my home and my family in peace. I can do that by checking out, slowing my brain, playing with my kids, doing a puzzle, baking, going outside as much as we can - and just surviving.

I have lots of strengths - but being around sickness and germs is not one of them. I am awake at night in the midst of the summer worrying about the stomach bug. I'm the crazy one that my kids' friends know will make them drop everything, take off shoes and go immediately to wash hands upon arrival at our house. And then again before eating - even if they hare barely played with anything. I am USUALLY crazy about this stuff.

So what can I do to help? I have decided that I can't do much. I am not the person who is going to volunteer to do things out of the house or go shopping for anyone. However I am able to do a challah delivery (I think I can handle Rosenfelds - order and pay online and then just pick up) and I can order groceries online and deliver them from my house to someone else's doorstep. That's about all I can do (until we know where we can donate resources) - other than giving you permission also TO JUST SURVIVE RIGHT NOW.

Zoom all with the Tzrif - our what's app group from Camp Ramah in Canada 1990s

24 hours into a 1000 piece puzzle

lunch with mo willems (pretty cool to have access to him)

Koby's corona virus

Elie's guys playing "pass the corona virus" while the rest of the world plays "don't pass the corona virus"

Team puzzle

Bed Rest and the Pandemic (and a bit more)

These are some weird times. The world, and our life, is shut down. But not completely. I'm a very black and white person, extremely uncomfortable in the gray. I believe that's my biggest fault as a person, as it's hard for me to manage when expectations are not clear, things change at the last minute, etc. But here we are...

I have felt similar things twice in my life. After 9-11 I remember feeling so unsure of what the future will bring. It was the only other time I remember life shutting down - everything closed, and while we now know that things opened up again and classes continued (I was in grad school), etc. after a few days or weeks (though obviously life felt very different and many people lost those they love), at the time we had no idea what the next few days/weeks/months would bring. It shook our reality and brought and unknown future.

The other time was when I was on bedrest when pregnant with Elie. I didn't know how long it would be, though I knew it would end at some point, I didn't know when. I couldn't allow myself to think too much about the future, because I didn't know if the baby would make it - would we have a new baby, two kids, four people in our family? Or would I have a huge loss to deal with and have one child in our family? I couldn't think about anything in the future, because it would be so different if the baby made it or not. I had to sort of suspend time and my existence within it. I watched all of Downton Abbey, I played Ruzzle (like Boggle on the ipod), and I just existed. I couldn't read at the time - though I usually read a book a week, I couldn't focus. I had a few visitors and a few friends who called from abroad regularly, I had a routine of going to get shots twice a week and a latte at the Starbucks at the hospital that was a sad highlight of my life at the time - and that was it. I fully checked out.

But the difference there was that life went on around me. Samara went to school. Matt went to work. I could sit and look out of our 7th floor window and see life happening as usual outside City Square Residence. Now, all expectations of the (near) future must be suspended as was on bed rest, but stress is super high because people ARE dying, the virus is so unknown and seems to be spreading SO easily. We just don't know where this will lead - we don't know how to stay away from it - we don't even know who HAS it because tests have been so unavailable. Regular logic such as having tests available so we KNOW WHO HAS TO BE ISOLATED is not relevant here, which is so confusing. We know that people who were infected in China were complete isolated. Here people who MAY be infected are at home (infecting everyone else in their home). And life for the rest of us is most definitely NOT happening.

Schools are closed indefinitely (right now until 6 April). That's a lot of time with my kids.

Will my kindergartener now and my incoming kindergartener have Kindergarten Soccer in the Spring?

Will we go to Michigania - most of the people in our family's favorite week of the year (and Samara's "bud" every night in Rose, Bud, Thorn)? Will overnight camp happen?

How will we celebrate Passover? Can we drive straight through to Michigan if we're sure we're not sick and neither are our parents? Is that just stupid?

What will happen with all of the families who survive by working hourly jobs that are no longer happening?

What will happen with the families who have two full-time working parents and young children at home. It seems like a bad idea to have grandparents watch kids, babysitters bring in outside germs - there is only so much time you can get to work in this situation. Will the "bosses" agree to require a bit less? Who will pay? Where will the funding for all of the NGO's come from if they're not meeting their deliverables?

What about kids who are at home with grown ups who do not treat them well. What kind of lasting effect will this have on them? Ugh - this one feels so stressful.

When will this end?

And what are we doing this for? It does seem like it will flatten the curve, but if we are promoting social distancing, can we just STOP the curve - promote a sharp drop? Like at what point will we get back to life and the virus will not be spreading? It has to be eradicated for that to happen - or we will just be back at square one, right? Am I missing something?

On the other hand, I am EXTREMELY grateful for so many things. We live on a dead-end street on a large field. We have a beautiful lake a five-minute walk away. We have a great trail about .75 miles away, and it's a perfect 1.5 mile loop. We can drive to other hikes. We have resources, and Matt's work will continue (mine might not, but that's ok right now). My kids are healthy and super independent. My kids get along. My kids are at a sweet-spot age to spend time with their parents. They still like us. Thank god we do not have ongoing health issues. We finished fixing up our house and got a new furnace two weeks ago. My work is light and flexible, and while Matt's work is INSANE because the markets are a mess, I can totally spend time with the kids. I am so thankful I don't have a baby.

Koby's family selfie on the loop hike near our house in Cold Spring Park on Saturday

Watching a friend's Bar Mitzvah on Saturday, streaming at our temple (with Koby)

Biking on our street yesterday (see my shadow?)

I cut these all up and put the right two columns in a mason jar - we will pick one in the am and one in the afternoon (if we're not outside). The left column is ideas for PE - in a different mason jar.

Very rough outline of our day. Today we are in Free Play (Koby is a waiter and bringing all of us food, Elie is organizing all of the food on the kitchen table, and Samara is building a magnatile house for a bunch of animals). Outside soon and then piano on facetime at 11.

Full list of dinners I am prepared to make (with a side veggie for some/most) - kids can choose most days:

Chili (made last night)

Lasagna

Mac n cheese

Fajitas

Baguette grilled cheese (made last night)

Buttermilk pancakes

Waffles

Shakshuka

Hot dogs

Schnitzel

Pasta w pesto

Pizza

Empty sushi

Fish sticks

Rice and beans

Tortellini

Fake chicken nuggets 

Full disclosure I'm not up with the news. I have given myself permission to exist without knowing everything there is to know. I'm on facebook for a few minutes each day to see friend's cute kids and funny/happy things, but I shut it off when I see a stressful article posted, I am not on twitter and not looking at anything else right now.

Hang in there and stay healthy if you're reading this. Virtual hugs to all.