Unplanning the Planned - Welcome Healthy Baby Elie Zvi!!

Caution: Long Post!

As mentioned in previous posts, just about nothing in the creation and gestation of this baby has been planned, or gone according to what we expected, even before it started. In the end, I spent so much energy keeping him in, that he didn't want to come out. So, as I mentioned in my previous post, we decided we would have a c-section last Friday (40 weeks +11 days), if I didn't go into labor before then.  Coming to terms with this was really hard, as I wrote about...but I did it, and I was starting to get used to the idea.

...until I went to Tekka market on Thursday morning with my mom. We walked there and took the bus home (that's the responsible thing to do when you're trying to go into labor but then also carrying lots of fruits and veggies). On the three minute walk home from the bus stop, I slipped in a puddle, skidded a bit on the sidewalk and landed on my leg, with my upper leg going into the baby. Shit. (photo is from today, 5 days later)

I had fallen into the corner of our coffee table a few weeks ago (HUGE bruise and cut on the top of my belly, thankfully missing the baby but scaring me a lot). The doctor's office told me to rest, see if there are any contractions, if I lose any liquid or if I feel the baby slow down his movement. So when I called to say that I fell down but thought I was fine I was sure the answer would be the same. And it was for 5 minutes. I got home, started washing my wound with soap and then got a call from the nurse. She said the doctor wants me to go to the hospital immediately and get hooked up to a CTG machine for the baby. He wanted me to be monitored immediately once I went into labour because of all of the risks associated with my delivery, so I suppose I should have realized that. And I was ten days overdue...

I grabbed my purse with a book, my iphone charger, my medical docs, contact solution/glasses, snacks and water, said bye to my mom and helper (she was flying back to the Philippines the next day) and jumped in a taxi, aiming to be back in a few hours. Once connected to the CTG machine it was clear that the baby was fine and I was having contractions. I was 1cm dilated. After an hour of monitoring, they spoke with the doctor who confirmed that I was not going home. I got moved into a double room, as they didn't have any single rooms available. I walked and walked and walked (in circles in this tiny garden) trying to go into proper labor. It was Thursday afternoon, and if I didn't progress quickly, I was having the dreaded c-section (it became dreaded again once I realized it might not have to happen!) on Friday at 3pm. We would decide if we were going ahead with the surgery on Friday at 9am. Thursday evening I went down for monitoring, and I saw my roommate being rolled up from what looked like awful surgery. I was totally traumatized from my last birth and decided I was not going to spend the night in a room with a woman (who's relatives didn't respond when I said "hi" or "bye") who was recovering from awful surgery/birth. I would rather spend the night on the couch in the waiting room.

I grabbed all of my stuff and went down. I was still having contractions, but nothing exciting. Matt came to visit for a couple of hours around 9pm. They decided to monitor again at 11, and they said I could stay and try to sleep in the labor room rather than returning to my room. At midnight it was the same deal, and around 1am a single room became available. I got moved to the room and proceeded to not sleep all night.

At 8am I went down for monitoring again, and I was the same. The doctor came and helped me "decide" that we were having the c-section at 3pm. I would be ready by 2pm. I asked Matt to please come by 1:30. I had to start fasting right away, so I had no energy to do anything. So I waited.

At 2:10 someone came to get me and Matt and rolled us (me, really. He walked) to the operating theater floor. He got protective gear to wear, and I got prepped. Around 2:45 I got rolled into the theater itself. I had elected to be awake for the surgery (never again - not recommended), so I was to get an epidural. I had to roll onto my left side. Meanwhile, on the side of my left leg I had a HUGE scrape that super hurt. I also had a cold for the last week and nearly NO voice at all. So they're wondering why it's taking me so long to roll and I can't explain/talk, and I'm in so much pain. Just not convenient to have a c section when you have a huge boo boo and are super sick. I got a small shot to numb the skin, then I got the big epidural then had to roll onto my back, quickly (again - not so easy!). I felt my legs turn to pins and needles and felt so yucky. I wanted Matt there, but he wasn't allowed until I was totally prepped. Finally when he came in, I asked him to keep touching my face and hold my hand and tell me about our previous holidays (he remembers every detail about our trip to New Zealand, it turns out). The face distracted me from what I felt and didn't feel in the rest of my body. I felt a lot of pressure and generally hated the feeling of being numb. Plus I was so terrified of what was going to happen during the surgery (I had CRAZY amounts of bleeding at my last birth plus the worst recovery ever) and after...it just wasn't fun.

At 3:27 I heard a little, wet cry. We had a baby! He got put on the table, analyzed and whatever, then wrapped up and put on my chest. I couldn't believe I was looking at my miracle baby - who we never thought we would have and then had made it through so much, and he looked EXACTLY like Samara. After about a minute of some teary hellos, I begged Matt to please get the pediatrician's attention, since he seemed to have a lot of liquid in his breathing and stuff was coming out of his mouth. He was then suctioned down his nose and throat and then swept off to NICU, with Matt. I had an HOUR of more surgery and closing me up before it was over.

With Sam, I had placenta which was left inside me, and the doctor said it had seriously stuck to the side of my uterus. I had gone over again and again with my current doctor to please look for this, as in serious cases (it's called accreta) you lose your uterus and your life is at risk. It turned out that I didn't have accreta this time, but the placenta was indeed seriously stuck in one part, and I'm glad I didn't try to deliver vaginally. He wanted to sweep and sweep to make sure everything was out, not to repeat my last experience. He also looked around to see if my innards looked healthy enough to have another kid or if they were totally shot from their past few years' ordeals. He also wanted to do a stellar job of sewing up all of his work (apparently he's known for excellent c-sections - the nurses told me), so it took a WHILE. Finally, at 4:33 I was wheeled into a recovery area for a few minutes. I was totally conscious, and really ok, but I didn't know what happened with my baby.

I got wheeled up to my room, and Matt was there, but there was no baby. Elie was in the NICU (photo from the NICU), as they said he had "wet lung". They would monitor him for FOUR HOURS (that's an eternity in new baby time!), and it usually cleared up within a few days. After three hours they brought me a pump for colostrum, and I was worried that he had not yet latched, had any skin to skin contact, and that I hadn't really SEEN him yet...but Matt kept going back and forth, and he really seemed ok. He spoke with the pediatrician and convinced him to let Elie out (obviously if he had to stay we would have agreed, but he really seemed fine), and around 8:30 we finally got to spend some time with our baby.

Recovery this time was TOTALLY different to last time. I was up and moving the next day, while it had taken three days for me to get out of bed last time. I really felt ok. Yes - it hurts like a bitch, because it's major surgery, but I told Matt I felt like I had a c-section and not like I had been hit by a truck, which is what I felt last time.

Sam and my mom came to visit on Saturday morning and Sunday afternoon (photo of Sam with her gift from Elie). And Elie did a great job sleeping. I had to consistently wake him up after four hours to try to feed. Matt could leave a bit to spend time with Sam and give my mom a break, and I was actually ok.

We got discharged on Monday, and I felt like a normal person going back to normal life - which is NOT what I felt like last time. Again, yes, it hurts to walk, move or really do anything, but that's normal...

So far Elie (EH-lee) is pretty awesome. He is super cute and does a good job at being cute. He sleeps like a super champ (and even better now that we're home and have our straight-jaket swaddles. He broke every single swaddle at the hospital). He is a SUPER strong sucker (OUCH!!) and I think he's doing well at the nursing thing and his latch looks good, but I suppose I just need to build calluses or something. Holy painful. One thing that has taken us by surprise is the difference between changing boy diapers and girl diapers. And I'm not talking about the infrastructure. Nearly EVERY time we change his diaper he pees all over. The first time he pissed on his own face. We have gone through more laundry already than we did for Sam's first week, I think. We have a new solution for this, but it's still alarming. I can't say I wasn't warned by my friends with boys.

Sam seems to understand that she is now a big sister, that this is her brother and he's here to stay, and that mommy has a boo boo. She is having a FANTASTIC time with her Savta and Papa (he arrived on Sunday night) and doesn't seem shaken yet. She's fascinated with his umbilical cord stump. She picked out a Doggy to match her Froggy, which is her favorite guy that she sleeps with and is most attached to. Elie actually does seem to like looking at it.

I'm doing WAAAY better than expected, but it's still hard. I'm having a hard time sleeping (even when the baby is sleeping), so I have slept about 8 hours in the last five nights combined. Starting last night I have an EXTREMELY tight and knotty back, probably because of stress and the whole experience, but this makes feeding uncomfortable and sitting, lying, or really any position pretty uncomfortable. I had a massage today, I will have another tomorrow, and I hope it loosens up soon. I'm focusing on relaxing and not stressing about the upcoming few weeks.

Matt and my mom have been super champs - holding everything together, ensuring there is food, cooking, Sam's food, cleaning, helping me and Sam with EVERYTHING. Especially considering the fact that Alma, our helper quit when I was 39 weeks pregnant, and we asked her to stay until the 16th...we were sure we would have had the baby by then...doing this all with no help was not what my mom signed up for. I don't know what we would do if she weren't here. Seriously. I probably would have just stayed in the hospital because it was easier!

All in all, five days in, and everyone seems to be doing great. I'm just totally in shock that we have a new reality of a family, and I can't wait to really enjoy it without pain!

Elie chillin' in the hospital

Our new and improved family!

Elie curing his mild jaundice

Seriously, I'm pretty sure we have this photo of Sam and it looks the same.

Big sister! and Big Papa!

Getting this baby out safely

I am now 41 weeks + 2 days. My doctor said that he used to let people go two weeks, but research showed that after 10 days post EDD, risks of aspiration on meconium increases dramatically, and he now prefers that all babies come out by then. I just went to see him, and the baby is doing great and is happy in there. I have not progressed into labor at all and the baby hasn't descended. We discussed the different options:

- Letting me go past 10 days, understanding the risks, which he believes are not worth it, given if there is a problem, it can be significant for the baby.

- Inducing me, which he believes is extremely risky given my uterus's history - not just c-section, but scarring, D&C, hystroscopy, laproscopy, endometriosis, cysts and everything else fun that has happened in there...not to mention bleeding for nearly half of this pregnancy. When you induce, contractions are stronger, which is riskier when you have any problems with the uterus.

- Scheduling a c-section. He talked me through my last birth and the trauma of it all, what I felt went wrong and also what we can do to make this experience better. He said that given my history, and the risks of all of the other options, weighed with the risks of this option, he very much recommends a scheduled c section. It seems that even if I go into labor, there is still a much higher than normal chance I will end up with an emergency c section, which is much riskier anyway...so though I wanted to do EVERYTHING I could to avoid another c section, it looks like that's what's happening. And, with all of his explanations, I agreed that this was the best option.

This doctor's appointment took a record 1.5 hours. There was a lot to talk about. Though, I have to say, it was a climax of a conclusion to SO many doctors appointments. I went once at 6 weeks, 8 weeks, then twice weekly from 12 weeks until 24, then once per week until 34...then I got to wait a few weeks between appointments until I got to 38. This equals SO MANY visits (remember, the Starbucks at the office knows my drink!)...I suppose I should get my money's worth for this last shebang.

So, if I go into labor before Friday, they will let me try a VBAC, but if not, I will go in for surgery. He will do all that he can to make it different to my last experience. He is a different doctor with a really really different style, it's a different hospital, and he also knows that I'm pretty traumatized from the last one (plus D&C, the consequences, etc.), and he is taking all of this into account. I feel extremely disappointed that I can't try to give birth, like yet again I'm failing at this (which I felt very strongly with Samara's birth), but I have literally done everything I can. I'm also trying to remember that until about 34 weeks I was sure I would have a c section anyway, and I was focused on just getting the baby to term and out safely. It was only after that when the doctor said I can try for a VBAC, so I really should be considering the chance for a VBAC as a bonus and the c section as the assumption/base case scenario. I will be disappointed for a few hours, and then I will work on getting over it.

I shouldn't be surprised...nothing about this pregnancy has been straightforward. It didn't come easily...then once I finally got pregnant, I had a few good weeks until the fun began. Since then it has been anything but boring. I happened to heal by the middle of the third trimester and I felt good enough to build my strength, so I got tricked into thinking this could be normal...for a few weeks I could be super active and be a normal pregnant person. I appreciate that I even had that time to build my strength, spend time with Samara and enjoy the pregnancy. Now I really will focus on having a healthy baby, safely.

Anticipation II

Now I'm 41 weeks...and to think that I have already written about anticipation? It feels like the baby may never come! All was ready to go around 38 weeks - so now what? I probably should re-wash all of the baby clothes, re-pack my bag for the hospital, dust the changing table...it's all a little over-ripe by now!

I spent SO much energy - both physically and mentally - doing everything I could to keep this baby in, starting in JANUARY. I visualized it (him...) being comfortable in there, being nourished and growing into a little baby. After months of bed rest, I was finally able to move around, but still focused on keeping the baby in and happy until 34 weeks. By then it seemed like the pregnancy had stabilized and I could be a bit more active, but still, I very much wanted to go to term. Well - I think I tried to hard!

Given my previous birth experience and the following ordeals, I am terrified of having a c-section, and I'm also probably quite terrified of birth altogether. In addition, I know that once the baby is born, our helper leaves (though she is leaving on Friday no matter what), all grandparents arrive, there is a bris (which is not a simple thing to plan here) and life as I know it (especially in terms of Samara) will be forever changed...put all of this together, and I think my pelvis is probably not allowing anything to progress!

Given all of that, I'm still trying as hard as I can to relax...and trying all of the other tricks in the book too. I have a deadline of Thursday or perhaps Friday...and if nothing happens, the doctor won't induce me since I have had a c-section before, and induced contractions are stronger and have more of a chance of rupturing the c-section scar. I will then automatically have a c-section.

I have...gone for acupuncture, eaten lots of spicy curry, walked incredible amounts (like back from downtown or the equivalent at least once a day), eaten so much pineapple I have sores in my mouth, swayed my hips on an exercise ball, drank at least four cups of raspberry leaf tea today alone and all else I can possibly think of to get this baby moving. The doctor monitored the baby on Saturday since I felt a bit less movement, and so far the baby is doing great (though he is indeed moving less - there's no space!). He was chilling, sucking his thumb. The doctor tried to sweep my membranes on Saturday and also last Monday, but he said the baby hadn't descended yet, so he didn't think it would be too productive. That's the only type of induction he will do with me. I am going back for more acupuncture tomorrow, will continue to walk, and will see the doctor on Wednesday if nothing happens before then.

In the meantime, I treat everyday as my last. It's been fun spending so much time with Samara and Savta, and we had Matt home for a super long four day weekend (Hari Raya Puasa, National Day plus a weekend). Since we didn't have any plans going into the weekend (we were SURE we would have a baby!), we ended up with lots of spontaneous plans, visiting the botanic gardens, swimming at the American Club, going to friends' houses, picnic-ing on the Padang and watching the fireworks, going for pizza with friends, a whole family trip to the doctor, a coffee and temple neighborhood tour, swimming...it was really fun and also really relaxing and we ate a lot of my favorite foods...because we can!

Now...let's go body! Do some good work!! I want to meet this baby boy!!

Anticipation

For a good amount of this pregnancy, I was just hoping to keep the baby inside until 28 weeks. Then things were looking up, so we aimed for 34 weeks. Then things seemed pretty normal (which no one could believe) so we aimed for full term. I had always been sure I would give birth in June or July...and tomorrow will be August, and I'm still pregnant! Now I'm ready.

I needed to wait until Monday, since I was scheduled for a haircut with a great lady who was out of town for all of July and my mom was arriving on Monday night. I made it to Monday and was super thankful...until my new(ish) helper forgot to pick up Samara at school. That night I asked her what had happened, and she said she's distracted because her mother is sick back at home. She decided she wanted to go home. As soon as possible.

So Alma is leaving, after four short months, and we are about to have a baby. We have a bunch of mohels on standby for the bris. We have potential locations. We have grandparents waiting to buy airplane tickets. We are receiving amazing hand-me-down clothing nearly daily, washing, and folding. We have a packet of newborn diapers and a tiny bed waiting to be filled. Now all we need is the baby.

I don't remember what it was like to have a newborn. I remember struggling for sure, but I also remember thinking that it wasn't as hard as I expected after hearing from others. I think Samara was (and is) a particularly easy baby and child, other than the eating thing...and who knows what this one will be like. I keep telling him he has to at least be a good sleeper, but I can't tell if he hears me. I can't picture what our life will be like in a few weeks - no helper, new baby...I can't predict how Samara will respond to having a baby around plus losing a lot of my attention...we just need it to happen so we can all move forward.

So now, we are just waiting. And waiting. I am walking as much as possible - it's pretty funny how I am more active now than I was able to be for the last six months. When I went off bed rest, I PUSHED myself to get some strength back. I wasn't allowed to push too hard at first, but once I got to 34 weeks I was allowed to do almost anything (no exercise, etc., but everything else...), and I knew I needed to get strong to give birth and also to take care of a baby and 2 year old. I am now walking all over the place, making sure I get up to get myself water or a snack or whatever, and just stay as active as possible. Hopefully that will eventually put me into labor!

Coffee Shops

I have had a long and complicated relationship with coffee. It started as an offshoot of my mom's relationship with coffee - which is an intense one. She couldn't really talk before her coffee. That didn't seem appealing to me. I wasn't interested to try.

Freshman year of college, Shana, my roommate drank coffee which I thought smelled awful, and I was still very not interested. My sophomore year I took an Arabic Literature in Translation class which required external stimulation, and my buddy in that class (Dan Messinger) suggested a mocha each Tuesday and Thursday before class. It made it WAY more interesting and I loved it (the drink and the class!). Soon mochas were too expensive to have twice a week and I moved reluctantly to coffee. Then I realized if Arabic Literature in Translation was interesting...perhaps life could just be more interesting with coffee...so alas, I became a daily drinker.

I have tried to go off coffee a few times, and I was even successful sometimes, perhaps for weeks at a time, but once INSEAD started, there was no hope without coffee. Then I had a job which required sitting at a computer nearly all day...coffee required. I had tried to go off when I was pregnant with Samara, but my colleagues told me I yawned too loudly. With this pregnancy too, I tried to not drink coffee for a week in New Zealand when I found out I was pregnant...but I just wasn't a happy or nice person. Forget it. The research says one or two cups a day is ok, and I value relationships (and again, I'm just not that nice without coffee).

I love the local coffee here in Singapore, though the butter (or whatever they do to make it taste so good) combined with the sweetened condensed milk didn't make my body feel too good.

When Samara was born, my mom found Ben and his yummy coffee. I stuck with that for a while, until I really thought it wasn't good for my body. We also inherited a gorgeous espresso machine from Ari when he left town. I started making my own lattes, and as a super treat, I would get a latte at the Spinelli coffee shop at work (it's actually good enough coffee) and on the weekend I would sometimes treat myself to a great coffee at the cafe across the park, right behind our building.

During this pregnancy, I realized I was making lattes with really dark, and a lot of, espresso, and I had no idea how much caffeine they had. I had remembered that Ari said it's something like four shots per filled cup...and I thought I might be damaging the baby and decided to put the machine away until the baby is out and I am more comfortable having loads of caffeine.

Recently, the coffee shop behind our house (which lacked in atmosphere, but the coffee was EXCELLENT) closed. I had advised them to please open before 10am and perhaps to even advertise or have a sign on their shop...but alas, they disagreed and didn't make it past two years. I needed to find a new local coffee shop that could make me happy, especially once the baby is born and I need adventures to get out of the house and things to look forward to when I'm super tired (and as much as I want this baby, it's going to be a hard few months!).

A few weekends ago Matt and I went for a walk on a Friday night and we checked out some new boutique hotels near us (remember, all parents are coming for the upcoming bris...) and saw that a bunch of new coffee shops and restaurants had also opened in our "turning hip" neighborhood. Saturday morning we had to get Sam out of the house (she was still in her AWFUL stage of not wanting to do anything or do nothing, which is thankfully over), so we checked out one of them, the Coffee Stop or Coffee Shop or something...on Lavendar Rd. Atmosphere had potential if there were actually people there. Menu was super limited. Coffee was good, but they didn't have skim or low-fat milk AND it was $6 for a coffee. We tried it and rested in the air con by the window. Eh.

About ten minutes in, and just as we were finishing our drinks and Sam needed to get out, a friend of Matt's from grad school walked by, saw us and came in. We asked where he was going - and he said he was going to check out a great coffee shop he had read about in this neighborhood. Done. We tagged along, saw it was in an old hardware shop (definitely no sign that it's a coffee shop unless you go inside!), opposite a Nepalese temple where Sam and I often go to visit Buddha, about seven minutes walk from our house. It looked super cool. It's Chye Seng Huat Hardware, and it has the atmosphere of an Australian coffee shop, GREAT coffee, and it turns out they have great french toast too, since we went back the next day for breakfast. I have now been three times, and I love it more each time. Though they open at 9, and I believe you have to get there before 10 - when I tried to just get a quick take-away coffee at 11 last weekend there were about 20 people in the queue!

Other coffee that makes me happy in Singapore includes the Tiong Bahru Bakery. Sadly, I haven't been to their actual shop in Tiong Bahru, but they have an outlet at Raffles City Mall, and they have EXCELLENT coffee and also excellent treats. As I walked there this morning, I passed lots of people at Deli France, Cedele and Starbucks in the same mall, and I wanted to tell them that they didn't know what they are missing (though it is pricy...it's worth it for me!). Their only fault is that they don't do decaf, which is hard if you have already had your allotment for the day.

When we moved here it was hard to find good western coffee and I frequented Starbucks. Now that more of these exist, or at least now that I have found them, I am so happy to support them and I hope to utilize my maternity leave and Samara's school time to find more.

Celebrating Pregnancy with Henna!

As I have mentioned, this pregnancy has been a wee bit stressful. I have had mostly smooth sailing since 24 weeks, but it was with nearly a promise that problems would come back and risks of lots of scary potential incidents. Problems did not come back, and I don't know if that's because everything healed or if it's because I very much took it easy. Overall, though, while I have been very thankful to be pregnant, I have not celebrated this pregnancy.

My good friend Susie wanted to help me celebrate, and I didn't want to do anything until we had a healthy baby. I want/ed no baby showers, no fancy dinners, nothing...but then we were at the doctor's office, and on the screen that shows photos of the doc's patients, Matt saw a belly covered with henna. He said, "Whoa! That's so cool!" I said, "That's Susie's belly." He couldn't believe it. I showed him more photos and he said, "you are for sure doing that." Eh. I'm not such an accessorizer. I'm definitely not into tattoos. I'm also not really into celebrating my body, and I feel like a huge cow...so I fought it. Between Matt and Susie, though, they decided it was happening, and we got an appointment at just about 37 weeks.

Fathima, an Indian, Muslim Singaporean came over on Saturday morning, along with Susie. Matt got to choose the pattern, and Fathima went to work. She was unbelievable - she sat on the floor and just drew all around my belly. It looked so perfect, and though my perspective was a bit skewed, I could tell it was cool.

It was fun to spend a few hours intensely with my belly - and share the experience with my closest friend in Singapore, my husband and my daughter (though she was surprisingly not so interested). The baby was moving a LOT during the process (could he smell it?!), so he was a part of it too. Now when I look down (see photo), it's so fun! I have this beautiful design moving around with a little baby inside. Apparently it will last for a few weeks, too. Soon I will be celebrating losing the belly and gaining a new baby boy!

Right now

Fathima in process

Me and Susie (my bed rest, henna and working mom inspiration)

Finished product

Family shot. Matt got one too. Sam didn't want. They're usually topless. I'm not.

In other news, Samara's best friend, Nathan, left about a month ago, and that's been rough. The other girl she idolized from our condo, Amalia, also moved, so motivating her to go to school and the playground is challenging. She had a really rough transition back to school after missing for two weeks due to her illness. Though she previously loved school with all of her heart and NEVER gave us trouble to go, she kept saying she wanted to stay home. Today was the first day (she's been back a week and a half) that she was happy to go. She is still on a pizza-only preferred diet. We're working on that one.

In yet other news, we were "that guy" who ruined a surprise party on Saturday. I mean, we could have ruined it weeks, days or hours before the surprise...so luckily we only ruined it about 15 seconds before...but still. We showed up a half hour after the birthday boy was supposed to get there, and though we still tried to go in the back entrance, we weren't sure which door, and we couldn't access my email to get the details. We kinda were just figuring it out near his front door, and he walked down the hall. When I saw him I smoothly turned around and walked into a stairway. Nah - he won't recognize me. A Jew in Singapore with super curly hair, nine months pregnant...Matt was even more clever and walked into a doorway and turned around, as if he would blend in with the wall. He then said, "you don't see me. You don't see me." Oops. Now that I feel like more of a surprise party-seasoned friend, I would not show up less than 1.5 hours late.

It's a Boy!!

Don't worry, it's (or should I say "he's") not born yet.

I VERY strongly did not want to find out the gender of our first baby. Matt did. He thought it would be easier to plan, mostly because of the bris situation here in Singapore (more on that later). I tried to want to find out. I even gave in for a few minutes once...but then I burst into tears - perhaps more hormonal than logical - and ultimately we didn't find out. I was SURE Sam was a boy, for no good reason. Everyone told me she looked like a boy, and I think here people want boys more, so they just say that to make you feel "better." EVERYONE has an opinion. I wrote about this last time.

When Sam was born, it was a c-section, I didn't have my glasses, I had been in labor for 31 hours, I was SUPER out of it...and the doctor held her up right in e of my face, with her legs open. He never said, "it's a girl." And it looked pretty puffy there (I guess that's what happens with newborns). Matt finally said, "it's a girl." I wasn't so sure. Sam was rushed off to get her stomach pumped and Matt went with her. I was reunited with them a few hours later, and I asked Matt if he had checked again. "Did you change her diaper? Are you absolutely sure it's a girl?" I didn't believe it.

I think it probably had no impact on my relationship with her. She became very real when she was born. Though it took a few hours to sink in, and our girl name wasn't as sure as our boy name, we were good to go.

This time too, I very much did not want to find out. Especially given how difficult this pregnancy has been, I didn't want to get attached to the baby early on (call his therapist in about 15 years...). I didn't want to set my own, gendered expectations on the baby (even though I have a Masters in Social Work and work in Diversity, I admit that I have gendered expectations for children, which I very much hope to continue to be aware of). I didn't feel comfortable that it would have a name (in mine and Matt's heads anyway) before it was born. I didn't yet want to picture what our family would be like...I just wanted to wait until it was born.

But...we live in Singapore...and we're Jewish...and it's complicated. I also wrote about this last time, but ritual, Jewish circumcision in Singapore is not so easy. Matt wanted to know for sure if we needed to plan this. Our parents all said they want to come for a bris (the ceremony on the 8th day) if it's a boy. All grandparents descending at the same time, when we live in a small, 1100 sq ft apartment with space for 3 comfortably on the couch...and a lot of competing for Sam's time...this is stressful stuff. I finally agreed that we would find out the gender, but could we please wait until the end?

I understand that it might be harder to see later on, as the baby gets more squashed in there, so at 31 weeks, we asked the doctor to look and write it down in my file. He did. And he did it quite quickly, so I assumed it was a boy (or he is a super duper ultrasounder - which is also probably true). Little did I know that Matt then called the doctor that week and asked what it was. Matt didn't tell anyone, and he didn't tell me that he knew until I knew.

This past Saturday, around 35 weeks, we decided we would find out. We brought Sam for the first time to see the ultrasound (though the baby is in such a great birthing position - YEAH! - that we couldn't get a good picture of its face, so she wasn't impressed...). We said we want to find out, so he started scanning between the legs, and he said, "you see, here is one leg, and here is the other leg, and if you see, there is something in between." Sam said, "I don't want a baby brother. I want a baby sister." Ah...2 year olds.

As everyone says, we would absolutely be so happy with either. Given how hard we have worked to get to where we are, I really, genuinely feel that any healthy baby is such a blessing. I sort of wanted a boy because it seems kinda like a nice family to have one of each, and both Matt and I grew up with only brothers...I sort of wanted a girl because it would be more convenient with the bris situation and we wouldn't have to get new clothes, worry about the pink scooter, and we have been there done that...but honestly, I would be happy with either.

I did have a dream a few weeks ago that we had to get a second opinion on something medical with a doctor, and Matt had my file. He read the whole thing, and then at some point when we were waiting for the doctor he said, "I won't let you do that to our son." I said, "our son? You know it's a boy?" and he said, "Yes. We're having a boy." In my dream I remember thinking that I was so glad we were having a boy, that I always wanted a boy, and that I hadn't felt like I could express that until I knew it was a boy. Perhaps that was somewhere embedded in my brain, but not in my consciousness!

So, the bris mobilization began. Options include:

• The same Chabad guy from Melbourne that I mentioned 3 years ago
• Another Chabad guy now in Shenzhen (a "resident mohel in Asia")!!
• A Chabad guy in Israel who many people here have used
• A progressive guy in Melbourne who just started moyel-ing. He's a surgeon, and he hasn't yet done one out of Australia, but he seems to be somewhat open to it
• A guy in Perth who seems to do a lot. We don't know yet if he's open to coming to Singapore. Matt emailed him.
• A progressive guy from Connecticut who will be coming out to do a bris of someone else in our community. If the dates work (slim chance...it's her 6th, she expects to go very early, and she is due a week later than me...and we would have to give birth like 2 days apart for it to work...), then we would use this guy and split the cost with them

The challenge with these things is we have no idea when the baby will come, and all of these people have lives. So what will most likely happen is that we will get in touch with people when I go into labor and see who is potentially available. Then we would get in touch again on day three or four, when we can confirm that the baby is healthy (hopefully), and then we will book. It's a HUGE difference if we can book a flight from Shenzhen (prob about $400) vs from Israel (prob about $2,500). They all seem to charge/suggest a donation of about $1000 for the bris itself.

So...let the fun begin!!

And now I get to go through all of our baby clothes and find the 10% that will be applicable to a boy.

A son...