The Positives

After spending nearly two years doing everything I can to keep our family safe from Covid, I may no longer need to try!! (at least for a little while).

I am often, but not always, the craziest of the crazies with Covid. My kids and I had our first indoor playdates with masks two weeks ago. I waited until there were about zero cases before I went into one of my best friends' new house that they bought in June 2020. It was a year before I toured (quickly) their new home. Two weeks ago I sent a "Covid Protocol" email to our parents and brothers about our upcoming trip to Michigan. They expect that crazy from me, but no one else would have wanted it. Matt and I got in endless arguments about daily life. I haven't eaten inside since Feb 2020. I have only eaten outside at restaurants a few times. I could feel the "what would Melanie be comfortable with" when friends planned hangouts - it wasn't always what they would have done without me. 

We canceled our trip to Michigan over Thanksgiving because cases were shooting up in Michigan. We were supposed to fly there on Friday am the 24th. We got a 5:30am flight because I'm that crazy. Even that wasn't good enough. 

Wednesday am Matt and I decided it would be too stressful (for me!) to fly because of this Omicron shenanigans, so we would drive on Thursday. We got the dog picked up early, we packed, we got the kids from school and told them we were leaving early the next morning. Then in the early evening or so, I felt a weird thing in the top of my chest/bottom of my throat. Kept feeling it all night, so I took my temp - above normal but below 100. Well, we're headed to grandparents, so for peace of mind, I thought I would test for Covid - and then again in the morning when we were all going to test before we left for the 13 hour drive. Negative. Phew.

Woke up on Thursday and still felt weird in my chest and also temp was above 100 plus a headache, achy, chills, the works. Ok - I will rest a day and see where we are at tomorrow. There's still time. I was able to send the kids off to school that day and then did a fair amount of work before I became catatonic and couldn't open my eyes. I then kicked Matt out of our room and told him I was isolating just in case - even if it's the flu, he's off work and can take care of the kids. (I didn't come out of the room until Sunday afternoon). Another rapid Covid test. Negative. Ok - must be flu.

Friday I only wanted chicken soup. I watched an entire season of Succession. TEN HOURS. Fever. Cough. Another Covid test. Negative. That's three if you're counting. BinaxNow.

Saturday I was still feeling super shitty but fever was lower and I could think about possibly going to Michigan, but we didn't want to infect anyone - even if it's the flu, we can't travel sick when hospitals are full. No beds means no beds. I called a good friend who is a pediatrician and smart person to ask about flu contagion, and she said, you know, you could still have Covid - this Omicron is doing weird things. So even if I have no fever but have a cough, by the way, no, we should not drive in a closed car with four well people for 13 hours. Ok trip canceled. Also Matt started clearing his throat a lot and he sounded like he got six shots of testosterone. Also I couldn't smell. I picked the skin of a clementine (zested, if you will), and I couldn't smell it. I couldn't smell my pits. I tried. There's no way my sick, sweaty body didn't smell. 

First Positive:

This was the day that I had my saddest realization about the last few days: No food prep. I didn't see my kids at all (they didn't facetime until Sunday). I did NOT ONE THING for anyone but myself. Nevermind that I was SUPER sick. I had a fever and felt awful. I could barely talk. I was coughing so much my body hurt all over. I realized that other than two trips that Shana and I have taken together (only the two of us), this was the most blissful and relaxing experience I have had since I became a mom. I mean - that is incredibly pathetic, but it's a positive of the situation. There have been two times where I stayed in bed, since I became a mom. One was for six months on bedrest, and we had full time help in Singapore. The other was when I had the flu at my parents' house, and my mom took my 2 kids. (things they don't tell you before you become a mom: you aren't allowed to get sick. ever).

Back to the story. We are at early Sunday am. I went on the search for a pcr test - with the rest of Massachusetts. Refresh refresh on CVS at 6am will get you far. Booked at test for that afternoon. Then booked one for Matt for the next day plus a flu test - because we think that's what we have. Still had a low fever and awful cough but on the upswing for sure. Left the room for the first time since Thursday to get my pcr test. Watched another season of Succession plus many games of Settlers of Catan with my brother and cousins online. Caught up with a few friends. Read. FB scrolled. Twitter scrolled. Bliss. My temperature was above normal but below 100. Feeling better for sure.

Second Positive:

I woke up this morning and had no fever. I felt like a person. A coughing person with a weak voice, but a person. Matt had a fever. Ok - parent swap. I assume he's more contagious than I am, because a fever must be relevant to that? I cloroxed my room, changed the sheets, opened the windows, turned on the fan. Cleaned up all my stuff and moved out. I finally got to see my kids - at a distance and with a mask. Samara made breakfast. Samara made lunch. I ate outside. I waited for an hour to talk to my doctor's office (at 8am) and got a telehealth appointment for this afternoon. Placed an instacart order. Meal plan. Loads of laundry. Moving in a good direction. But then I was EXHAUSTED. Could barely breathe. Needed to rest and take off that mask. Then I got my pcr result: Positive.

I was genuinely not that surprised, because that taste/smell thing, but THREE NEGATIVE antigen tests? PS I gave it to Matt when I was testing negative with the antigen tests. So if we had tested and left for Michigan based on that and not my gut, we could have been there. BinaxTHREEDAYSLATER. Matt and I then did rapid tests just to see if maybe I wasn't using it right or something - and holy cow was mine positive. It just took multiple days of symptoms before it showed up. Matt's was less vivid but there. Then he started feeling better - no fever and way more energy than me and less antigen in his nostril, so he was back to parenting and I was back to my room - but those next few hours were all logistics and no Succession.

Some things I am thankful for. Some more Positives:

I am thankful it happened when it did. If this had happened even just a few hours later we could have been in Michigan at a grandparents' house. That would have been so so so so so incredibly stressful. AND Matt was off work, so he could take the kids for FOUR days while I blissed in Covid. We don't have to decide if we send the kids to school, because according to the CDC and our school district we can actually send them to school even now because they're fully vaccinated - that is insane because they were exposed in a deep way with Matt alllllll day on Saturday and Sunday with no mask. But at least we don't have to have that fight. Until Monday. And our kids don't have to miss school (yet).

I am thankful I don't seem to care that much (right this second) about not tasting. I had a just fine burger tonight and have had chicken soup, and it doesn't taste like metal or anything - just nothing. I have rather enjoyed not smelling my BO.

I am so thankful for Matt. He checked in on me. He warmed up the soup. He brought me everything and then took it away. He did everything for the kids. For days.

I am thankful that the CDC changed their guidance of isolation from ten to five days literally in the middle of our negotiation about school next week and when we should aim to get a pcr test for the kids. That helps a lot. Though we are still in negotiations.

I am thankful Rainey was picked up on Wednesday. At least SOMEONE is getting a vacation (this is where she boards, but don't tell anyone in the Boston area so there's still space for her)! AND she doesn't need us to walk her, etc. Though we miss her a lot. I could have used some dog cuddles when I didn't feel well.

I am thankful I had months of 2020 to hone my skills as an instacart expert. THOUGH that didn't stop me from getting $13 in red onions when I asked for 3 shallots ($2.30 usually). Anyone use red onions? Though probably no one wants anything from a covid house.

I am thankful my kids are not 1, 3 and 6. That would have been so stressful and just impossibly insane - though I'm sure there are thousands of families living that right now. I think it would have broken me. 6, 8 and 11 means they can make their own food, bathe themselves, charge their own ipad, etc - they're feral. We left them on their own this afternoon and evening, and they seem like they made it. Though it feels awful to have no one tuck your kids in and kiss them good night. I told them to facetime me in the am and I said goodnight from afar and masked. This is the first time in my life/their life that I truly miss them (I'm an awful mother who has gone on loads of international work trips. I have had opportunities.).

I am thankful my kids were fully vaccinated on Dec 22. I got Covid Dec 23. They were supposed to be fully vaxxed on Dec 28th, but we moved their second shot earlier because Matt was going to a work party (read: Matt does risky things), and we didn't want them to miss their shot, so we moved it up a week to Dec 8th. Thank god. AND I am thankful to Sarah for reminding me about this, so I could add this paragraph later :)

I am incredibly thankful for our neighborhood and people here. One friend made us a whole load of chicken soup and brought a pulse ox thingy (plus plus), which is so what we needed. Another brought us dinner. My cousin brought over dessert goodies for the kids. Another friend brought me a book to read (and offered to get the cream cheese we need, but it seems the cream cheese shortage has HIT NEWTON! I haven't told Koby - he will not cope well. Related: if anyone reading this sees cream cheese out there and drops it at our door, we will not say no). SO. Many. Offers to help us. Thank you.

I am thankful we have a lot of data when I'm getting Covid. I understand that the risk to everyone in our immediate family is so so so incredibly low (in fact when I thought I had the flu I had to remind myself that the threat of flu for all of us is probably higher, yet I'm so scared of Covid - it's a mind fuck). I have been telling people that again and again. I truly believe it. My anxiety would have been through the roof if I got Covid before lots of data. Thankful for data, age and health on our side (recognizing SO MANY PEOPLE are not this lucky).

I am thankful I don't have to fear Covid for myself and Matt (and who knows about the kids...3 negative rapids today but that means NOTHING!) at least for the next few months. Maybe we will fly somewhere. Oh, like Michigan and see our kids' fucking grandparents.

Some things I am not thankful for:

J&J and research saying we can get any vaccine. Matt seems ok. I was pretty sick. Though I'm sure they're still classified as "mild symptoms" it was no cold. We both got J&J in April and boosted with Pfizer in October. And I do have a history of asthma. Ok fine, I won't blame J&J, but I am still mad.

I was supposed to see my brother at Thanksgiving and now. And we will miss him. I think this may mean I won't see him for a year, which is WAY longer than I have ever not seen him before in my life - even though I lived abroad for ten years - we saw him a lot. Though back to a previous point, maybe I will fly to go visit him before the summer...

I am not thankful for my trust in rapid tests that misled me.

But look - that list of Positive things is long. Hopefully I will get only better. Matt will get better and the kids will not get it or have mild cases, and then we will be done. I feel scared to write that - because god forbid that's not what happens - but let's hope!