These are some weird times. The world, and our life, is shut down. But not completely. I'm a very black and white person, extremely uncomfortable in the gray. I believe that's my biggest fault as a person, as it's hard for me to manage when expectations are not clear, things change at the last minute, etc. But here we are...
I have felt similar things twice in my life. After 9-11 I remember feeling so unsure of what the future will bring. It was the only other time I remember life shutting down - everything closed, and while we now know that things opened up again and classes continued (I was in grad school), etc. after a few days or weeks (though obviously life felt very different and many people lost those they love), at the time we had no idea what the next few days/weeks/months would bring. It shook our reality and brought and unknown future.
The other time was when I was on bedrest when pregnant with Elie. I didn't know how long it would be, though I knew it would end at some point, I didn't know when. I couldn't allow myself to think too much about the future, because I didn't know if the baby would make it - would we have a new baby, two kids, four people in our family? Or would I have a huge loss to deal with and have one child in our family? I couldn't think about anything in the future, because it would be so different if the baby made it or not. I had to sort of suspend time and my existence within it. I watched all of Downton Abbey, I played Ruzzle (like Boggle on the ipod), and I just existed. I couldn't read at the time - though I usually read a book a week, I couldn't focus. I had a few visitors and a few friends who called from abroad regularly, I had a routine of going to get shots twice a week and a latte at the Starbucks at the hospital that was a sad highlight of my life at the time - and that was it. I fully checked out.
But the difference there was that life went on around me. Samara went to school. Matt went to work. I could sit and look out of our 7th floor window and see life happening as usual outside City Square Residence. Now, all expectations of the (near) future must be suspended as was on bed rest, but stress is super high because people ARE dying, the virus is so unknown and seems to be spreading SO easily. We just don't know where this will lead - we don't know how to stay away from it - we don't even know who HAS it because tests have been so unavailable. Regular logic such as having tests available so we KNOW WHO HAS TO BE ISOLATED is not relevant here, which is so confusing. We know that people who were infected in China were complete isolated. Here people who MAY be infected are at home (infecting everyone else in their home). And life for the rest of us is most definitely NOT happening.
Schools are closed indefinitely (right now until 6 April). That's a lot of time with my kids.
Will my kindergartener now and my incoming kindergartener have Kindergarten Soccer in the Spring?
Will we go to Michigania - most of the people in our family's favorite week of the year (and Samara's "bud" every night in Rose, Bud, Thorn)? Will overnight camp happen?
How will we celebrate Passover? Can we drive straight through to Michigan if we're sure we're not sick and neither are our parents? Is that just stupid?
What will happen with all of the families who survive by working hourly jobs that are no longer happening?
What will happen with the families who have two full-time working parents and young children at home. It seems like a bad idea to have grandparents watch kids, babysitters bring in outside germs - there is only so much time you can get to work in this situation. Will the "bosses" agree to require a bit less? Who will pay? Where will the funding for all of the NGO's come from if they're not meeting their deliverables?
What about kids who are at home with grown ups who do not treat them well. What kind of lasting effect will this have on them? Ugh - this one feels so stressful.
When will this end?
And what are we doing this for? It does seem like it will flatten the curve, but if we are promoting social distancing, can we just STOP the curve - promote a sharp drop? Like at what point will we get back to life and the virus will not be spreading? It has to be eradicated for that to happen - or we will just be back at square one, right? Am I missing something?
On the other hand, I am EXTREMELY grateful for so many things. We live on a dead-end street on a large field. We have a beautiful lake a five-minute walk away. We have a great trail about .75 miles away, and it's a perfect 1.5 mile loop. We can drive to other hikes. We have resources, and Matt's work will continue (mine might not, but that's ok right now). My kids are healthy and super independent. My kids get along. My kids are at a sweet-spot age to spend time with their parents. They still like us. Thank god we do not have ongoing health issues. We finished fixing up our house and got a new furnace two weeks ago. My work is light and flexible, and while Matt's work is INSANE because the markets are a mess, I can totally spend time with the kids. I am so thankful I don't have a baby.
Full disclosure I'm not up with the news. I have given myself permission to exist without knowing everything there is to know. I'm on facebook for a few minutes each day to see friend's cute kids and funny/happy things, but I shut it off when I see a stressful article posted, I am not on twitter and not looking at anything else right now.
Hang in there and stay healthy if you're reading this. Virtual hugs to all.
I have felt similar things twice in my life. After 9-11 I remember feeling so unsure of what the future will bring. It was the only other time I remember life shutting down - everything closed, and while we now know that things opened up again and classes continued (I was in grad school), etc. after a few days or weeks (though obviously life felt very different and many people lost those they love), at the time we had no idea what the next few days/weeks/months would bring. It shook our reality and brought and unknown future.
The other time was when I was on bedrest when pregnant with Elie. I didn't know how long it would be, though I knew it would end at some point, I didn't know when. I couldn't allow myself to think too much about the future, because I didn't know if the baby would make it - would we have a new baby, two kids, four people in our family? Or would I have a huge loss to deal with and have one child in our family? I couldn't think about anything in the future, because it would be so different if the baby made it or not. I had to sort of suspend time and my existence within it. I watched all of Downton Abbey, I played Ruzzle (like Boggle on the ipod), and I just existed. I couldn't read at the time - though I usually read a book a week, I couldn't focus. I had a few visitors and a few friends who called from abroad regularly, I had a routine of going to get shots twice a week and a latte at the Starbucks at the hospital that was a sad highlight of my life at the time - and that was it. I fully checked out.
But the difference there was that life went on around me. Samara went to school. Matt went to work. I could sit and look out of our 7th floor window and see life happening as usual outside City Square Residence. Now, all expectations of the (near) future must be suspended as was on bed rest, but stress is super high because people ARE dying, the virus is so unknown and seems to be spreading SO easily. We just don't know where this will lead - we don't know how to stay away from it - we don't even know who HAS it because tests have been so unavailable. Regular logic such as having tests available so we KNOW WHO HAS TO BE ISOLATED is not relevant here, which is so confusing. We know that people who were infected in China were complete isolated. Here people who MAY be infected are at home (infecting everyone else in their home). And life for the rest of us is most definitely NOT happening.
Schools are closed indefinitely (right now until 6 April). That's a lot of time with my kids.
Will my kindergartener now and my incoming kindergartener have Kindergarten Soccer in the Spring?
Will we go to Michigania - most of the people in our family's favorite week of the year (and Samara's "bud" every night in Rose, Bud, Thorn)? Will overnight camp happen?
How will we celebrate Passover? Can we drive straight through to Michigan if we're sure we're not sick and neither are our parents? Is that just stupid?
What will happen with all of the families who survive by working hourly jobs that are no longer happening?
What will happen with the families who have two full-time working parents and young children at home. It seems like a bad idea to have grandparents watch kids, babysitters bring in outside germs - there is only so much time you can get to work in this situation. Will the "bosses" agree to require a bit less? Who will pay? Where will the funding for all of the NGO's come from if they're not meeting their deliverables?
What about kids who are at home with grown ups who do not treat them well. What kind of lasting effect will this have on them? Ugh - this one feels so stressful.
When will this end?
And what are we doing this for? It does seem like it will flatten the curve, but if we are promoting social distancing, can we just STOP the curve - promote a sharp drop? Like at what point will we get back to life and the virus will not be spreading? It has to be eradicated for that to happen - or we will just be back at square one, right? Am I missing something?
On the other hand, I am EXTREMELY grateful for so many things. We live on a dead-end street on a large field. We have a beautiful lake a five-minute walk away. We have a great trail about .75 miles away, and it's a perfect 1.5 mile loop. We can drive to other hikes. We have resources, and Matt's work will continue (mine might not, but that's ok right now). My kids are healthy and super independent. My kids get along. My kids are at a sweet-spot age to spend time with their parents. They still like us. Thank god we do not have ongoing health issues. We finished fixing up our house and got a new furnace two weeks ago. My work is light and flexible, and while Matt's work is INSANE because the markets are a mess, I can totally spend time with the kids. I am so thankful I don't have a baby.
Koby's family selfie on the loop hike near our house in Cold Spring Park on Saturday
Watching a friend's Bar Mitzvah on Saturday, streaming at our temple (with Koby)
Biking on our street yesterday (see my shadow?)
I cut these all up and put the right two columns in a mason jar - we will pick one in the am and one in the afternoon (if we're not outside). The left column is ideas for PE - in a different mason jar.
Very rough outline of our day. Today we are in Free Play (Koby is a waiter and bringing all of us food, Elie is organizing all of the food on the kitchen table, and Samara is building a magnatile house for a bunch of animals). Outside soon and then piano on facetime at 11.
Full list of dinners I am prepared to make (with a side veggie for some/most) - kids can choose most days:
Chili (made last night)
Lasagna
Mac n cheese
Fajitas
Baguette grilled cheese (made last night)
Buttermilk pancakes
Waffles
Shakshuka
Hot dogs
Schnitzel
Pasta w pesto
Pizza
Empty sushi
Fish sticks
Rice and beans
Tortellini
Fake chicken nuggets
Full disclosure I'm not up with the news. I have given myself permission to exist without knowing everything there is to know. I'm on facebook for a few minutes each day to see friend's cute kids and funny/happy things, but I shut it off when I see a stressful article posted, I am not on twitter and not looking at anything else right now.
Hang in there and stay healthy if you're reading this. Virtual hugs to all.
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