Mourning

When my brother died I was exhausted. I went through motions of life, but I was a zombie. I would forget for a second, or even two minutes, and then I would remember again, and it would be so heavy. I had to sigh. I had to learn it all again. Every morning I woke up I forgot for that first second and then remembered - learning it again and again. And it was so painful.

Today I feel that same heaviness. I keep remembering, and I just can't believe it's true. Did this really happen? It feels so heavy. Is this really my country? Then I sigh. I am mourning what could have been. I'm mourning this country that I thought I knew and understood - and that I felt a part of. I'm mourning what Trump stands for. I'm mourning how he treats people, especially women, minorities...and pretty much anyone other than him. I'm mourning our probable next few years as we can't continue with diplomatic relationships with allies we have had for years. I'm mourning the futures of the people who voted for him and thought he would be able to somehow get them a job, or better health insurance, or whatever they thought he could possibly provide. They will be so disappointed. I'm mourning the expectation that today we would be celebrating the first - and HOLY qualified - woman president - My daughter and I together.

Many of the people who voted for him chose him as a big FUCK YOU to Obama or Clinton, or the establishment (which at this point is crazy because he's black and she's a woman, and that's HUGE). But really it's a big fuck you to themselves and the rest of their country. Not only that, but because of wherever this country could go and it's relationships with other countries and its place in the world, it could in fact push other nations forward in agendas that hurt lives around the world. These relationships with other countries (which I won't claim to know anything about) take many people, lots of discussion, loads of years and energy to build - and it can all unravel quickly, it seems to me. How sad. What a waste.

When Kenny died I didn't know what tomorrow would look like. Or next week. Or next year. I didn't understand a life where he wasn't in it. I didn't know how we just move on and live. But the sun kept rising and setting. Life went on. We figured it out.

I don't know this America, or what it will be like with a President Trump. It makes me cry every time I think about it. It's heavy. It's awful. It is so oppressive to so many people, and it's not the life I want to live - or chose. But we will figure it out. The sun did rise this morning (I wasn't TOTALLY sure it would).

Today I mourn. I don't know how long it will take to feel like I can smile again, or not burst into tears when I look someone in the eye. I feel totally shattered - and I still don't understand how this happened.

But when I'm done, I want to get to know this America I don't have access to. I don't know one person who voted for Trump (at least no one I know of...). I live in a liberal community, talking to my liberal friends and family, listening to my liberal radio and podcasts, reading my liberal papers and magazines. I want to figure out more realistic solutions than an asshole president. It feels extremely overwhelming right now, especially since I can barely get a handle on my life with three young children - but if I want to stay in this country, I have to understand it more so I am never this surprised again. Maybe it has to go this far so that our political system can start working again. Maybe after this people will learn to work together.

And who knows, between the trial for rape, crazy business ventures and other awful things that he has done (or possibly done, I guess), maybe he won't even actually BECOME the president. Or maybe he won't make it for four years.

Whatever it is, it is happening. And now everything feels really different. It's a new normal - just like when Kenny died.