You Can't Fly with Only a Right Wing

This morning I learned that the world lost Elissa Froman, and I wanted to share some thoughts about her. Elissa was someone who really stood out to me. She was extremely passionate, thoughtful, smart, a really good friend and just fricken hilarious.

I met Elissa when I was the Program Director at George Washington University Hillel in 2003-2004, when she was a sophomore. I was introduced by Wade Strauss, who was working with engagement of some of the younger students, and she worked with him and some other students to organize the retreat for Jewish freshmen. Elissa felt that Hillel was really organized around Israel and Israel politics as well as religion, but that one major piece was missing. We were, after all a school in Washington DC, and many of the students were interested in domestic politics. Elissa started a student group dedicated to liberal American politics. One of my favorite lines of hers was the non-existent t-shirt design for the student group: Because You Can't Fly with Only a Right Wing. It would have picture of a bird falling out of the sky.

Elissa truly stood out in my year at GW. She was always around, involved in so many great activities and with all of the best people. She did SO much, and she did it with a fantastic attitude and so much dedication. She was always the one who would go shopping for some program at 10pm, stay after to clean up, debrief...and she was just so great to have around. I remember driving Elissa to the airport at the end of the year, to fly off for the summer, and realizing that she was just a super special person.

Every time I was in DC I met up with her, saw her in New York when I lived there, and the last time I saw her was in 2010, when I was 12 weeks pregnant with Samara. She made time to meet me for dinner during the AIPAC convention and a lot of her own responsibilities. She sent a gift when Samara was born, and we swapped a few emails since, but while I was living up my experience in Singapore, Elissa was fighting Hodgkin's Lymphoma.

I won't pretend to know all of the details of her experience or treatment, but she was diagnosed in 2006, she was treated, cancer free, then it returned. She ultimately had a stem cell transplant, and she blogged about some of her experiences, from 2008 to 2011 here. I also don't know the details of her death, but as I understand it, it isn't exactly the cancer, but rather that her body had so much to deal with. She has been in the hospital for over a year with infection after infection and finally her body lost her battle.

Elissa touched and inspired so many lives - she went to Jewy camp, worked at amazing organizations, including the Religious Action Center, National Council for Jewish Women, she was accepted to HUC rabbinical school and was planning to go. And she was a leader wherever she went. She truly spent her life and her well years doing all that she could to make the world a better and funnier place. There is a spot in my life that will be empty of her, and I know this is true for so so many people in Chicago, DC and around the world.

This is another of those moments when I absolutely hate living so far away (and at this moment not even being allowed to leave my apartment at all...). If I were in the US, I would hop on a plane in a minute to be at her funeral in Chicago on Sunday, just to be with so many other people who loved her too. The world will truly miss Elissa Froman.

Bed Rest

I haven't written in two months - and for good reason. Just about nothing has happened to me, as I have been in bed, on bed rest, for the last seven weeks.

A week after my last post I went on an awesome work trip where I spent about three days on Cape Cod with six other women, doing a brain dump on what it takes to launch a program targeting women, in a bank. Other than the fact that I froze my arse off, I learned a lot, got to know incredible women, and loved being in the US. I had a super brief stop in Jersey City and got to spend some time with Eli, then got a few hours with Sarah in Boston, and headed to New York for a day of meetings...then back to Singapore. Only perhaps carrying my suitcase into a bus, then around Boston, lifting it up in the train, up and down the New York subway stairs, through the city, etc - perhaps that wasn't good for me, given the fact that I was 12 weeks pregnant.

Five minutes into dinner with a good friend in New York on that Thursday night, I started bleeding. Luckily Laura was a REALLY good friend, helped me through it (including running to the drug store...twice...), and I ended up seeing my doctor who did my surgery ONE YEAR exactly, before that incident, the next day (and canceled all of my meetings for Friday). He cleared me to fly that night, and I made it back to Singapore on Sunday morning. I assumed it was nothing more than a small blood clot, as my doctor in New York had seen, and I would be fine. Not so much.

After the blood clot got reabsorbed, the sac that has the baby in it (the sac holding in all the black stuff in an ultrasound, with the baby in the middle), detached about 70% from my uterus, and there was loads of blood in between the sac and wall of my uterus. I continued to bleed, and my doctor said I was at major risk for miscarriage. I was ordered to bed and only get up for essentials. It kept getting worse for a few weeks, and it is finally getting better. I have stopped bleeding, and I will see the doctor in a week, and I'm hoping for at least limited movement - like being able to parent actively, get coffee when I went, get fresh air, get food that I want, when I want it...but we will see. Apparently this stuff usually clears up around 18-19 weeks (I will be 20 in 2 days) and then comes back in the third trimester. Should be a fun few months!

Pros of being on bed rest:

• I can talk TV. I have never been able to talk TV (I hate TV), but now I can talk about Downton Abbey, Homeland and Girls.
• I won't be sick of my maternity clothes (as fast...) when I wear them. I can hang out all I want at home, so I haven't even asked Matt to take them down for me yet.
• I have gotten a bit better at asking people for things. I asked a friend to go get me bubble tea (remember I'm also pregnant!), have had friends bring lunch, and ask Rose and Matt for things all the time. I'm usually rubbish at this and prefer to do everything on my own.
• I can read a lot.
• I lost so much muscle that only now, at 19.5 weeks, am I just 1kg past my pre-pregnancy weight. Perhaps it will be easier to lose weight after the baby?
• I get to see Samara a lot - even though I can't parent like I want, I can't potty train, I have a hard time disciplining (though she's so good she does her own time outs while I lie in bed!), and I can't do fun, creative things - I still get to have lots of cuddles. We probably average 10 books per day (usually one book at least 8 times - but not always the same book), and we have a lot of giggles in bed.
• I have the best bedroom to be on bed rest. I have two full walls of windows so lots of natural light, cross breeze (when it's not too hot), a big comfy bed, a nice enough view...it's really not so bad to be suck here, of all places.

Cons:

• It's pretty scary when you're at risk of losing your baby for so long. I have been very reluctant to admit to myself that I am pregnant (though now that I can feel it moving it's easier!), and I haven't felt able to think abut what the future will be like - one month, two months, six months, or a year down the road. Too much is unknown with this.
• I feel super isolated and really need a lot more social interaction than I'm getting.
• I may not always be in the best mood, so I may not be the best wife right now.
• I am probably making socially awkward comments to visitors since my social interaction is so limited.
• I am constantly frustrated that I can't get up and get or do what I want. The biggest challenge for me has been food. For some reason I am so sick of everything we have in our house - even though we can get anything anytime at the grocery store across the street. Just nothing ever sounds as good as a sandwich from a restaurant, or fried noodles or something else that's not in this house.
• I can't cut my hair. It is about a foot too long. The second I get off bed rest, I am cutting it off and donating it. It is heavy, slow to dry, frizzy and just plain nasty. It's about 3 inches from my tush when I pull it straight. WAAAY too long.
• No travel probably until baby is 8 weeks old. That's like hell for me.
• Our helper is leaving in the next month or so, and I can't get out to interview new helpers, or train a new one, or really help with the transition for Sam. This one will only get harder in the next few weeks. 

So this photo is what my life has been. I have borrowed a tray from a friend (lifesaver - seriously), and I switch between my work computer and my personal computer. I play a lot of Ruzzle. I talk to friends and Facetime with family a lot. I have read the news, Facebook and other random things. Watched all of Downton Abbey, the first season of Girls, the first and a half season of Homeland. I'm trying the Wire, but having trouble getting excited about it.

I go to the doctor twice per week to get a shot of progesterone, and other than that I'm not allowed to leave my apartment. Luckily they have a Starbucks at the hospital, so that's one thing that makes me happy twice per week (though when the woman asked me if I want my "usual" today, I was depressed that the hospital - where I don't work! - should see me so often!).

I have had about 3-5 visitors per week - depending on the week. I REALLY appreciate when people come by. It's great to remember that there is a world beyond my bedroom, and I love to catch up and hear what is going on. Also, I'm usually a super social person, and the isolation is very difficult.

This past week was a bit more difficult as Sam got Hand Foot and Mouth Disease from school. She couldn't go out, and I couldn't get visitors. Pretty isolating and hard to keep myself still when trying to entertain a 2 year old. Obviously Rose is fantastic with her, but sometimes she wants to be with me, and I am just super limited. We play everything possible in my bed, and sometimes Sam even has her lunch or snack with my tray (she loves that).

Hoping for good news next week...but all in all, we're so lucky that we got pregnant at all. We were pretty sure that wouldn't happen.

Jacob Ballas Children's Gardens

Sam and I are in love with the Jacob Ballas Children's Gardens. When we pulled up in the taxi this morning, Sam said, "that's mine place!"

It is part of the Singapore Botanic Gardens, and it is pretty much heaven for a two year old. Just this morning, we with with Savta and Papa who are visiting. We arrived and went straight to the sand area with the huge tree house with two tall tube slides. Sam probably played in the sand and on the slides for about an hour and a half. It's shaded. There are other kids there. It's clean (like no trash but way dirty like lots of sand and dirt). And the kids can basically do whatever they want.

After the sand/slide area, Sam showed Savta and Papa the shaky bridge, then the other sand area with the playground for older kids. There's also a little area where you can make music. There were lots of labeled plants and trees so you can see your food and spices growing. After the second playground area we went to the water play area, had a snack and left. We didn't even see the floating dock with loads of fish, turtles and everything else, the little shelters along the way, the big hills, logs to climb on, the maze of plants, the giant mushrooms, the waterfall and everything else.

Sam and I meet friends there about once a week. Come join us on a Wednesday or Friday morning!

Guests who are welcome to stay

We have now lived here for five and a half years, and we have had many guests come through - some were random people we didn't really know, others were random friends who happened to be in Singapore, others were super good friends who came to visit, and of course the most common visitors are family. Overall, we have had fantastic visitor experiences (minus the one year we lived in a 450 square foot one bedroom where we weren't the most hospitable...though we still hosted some of my best friends!). Throughout the visits we have also learned to identify a few characteristics which make great guests. I will also admit that our last visit by Jer really helped us to clarify some of these, as it was a fantastic visit, and I would have been happy if he stayed for another two weeks.

Great guests find some things about Singapore exciting. They bring positive energy into the house. At least something makes them excited and happy to be here. They can complain a bit (perhaps the heat - that's clearly the most common), but then they get excited for the Thai dinner or the museum exhibit. Positive energy in the house is a fantastic guest contribution.

Guests who clearly outline their expectations and hopes for their visit leave nothing to the imagination. One of my least favorite things in life is trying to guess what people think - if you want me to know, just tell me. Please don't beat around the bush. So if you want to exercise everyday, or if you want to eat six different types of noodles, or you want to eat Indian every night (or never), just get it out there. As a "best practice" example, Jeremy created a Googledocs sheet with all of the foods he wants to eat and things he wanted to do. I could literally plug them into my diary, plan in advance to make sure I knew the best way to get there, opening hours, etc., and we got them all in. Not only is sharing expectations valuable, but having expectations and things you want to do also make you a great guest (this relates back to the first point).

Following from this point is general honesty of guests. Passive aggressive answers get us nowhere. Do you want to go for brunch? Yes or no. If it's no, please don't say yes. If you don't like Chinese food, don't agree to going for Chinese food. Just be honest - that helps a lot. Again - that guessing thing is so not my style.

Great guests get out of the house. Again, as best practice, Jer went for a coffee and did work/read for a few hours each day. This gave him some personal space and it also gave us some personal space. We live in 1100 square feet - normally three adults, a two year old and a cat. With guests that's even more people. The general gathering place is the living room, and having people always in your living room is tough - even if you love them to pieces. Just a few hours of an empty couch and no pressure for smiles and conversation is critical.

 (sorry sarah and ben - i can't turn this!)

A few simple tips - please feel free to comment on other good ideas. These are key to me. If you have stayed at our house in the last five years, please do not take anything I said retroactively personal. It's cumulative observations, and all names have been changed to protect the innocent. 

Bali with Jer

While we were finishing up our trip in New Zealand, a package in the form of Jeremy arrived at our door in Singapore. Jer had about two full days before we came back, and since then we have been much better hosts, and it's been super fun. We have checked off nearly all of his "food goals" including laksa, chili crab, dim sum, idli...and we have a few more in the schedule. Jer has been an incredible uncle, playing with Sam all day long. She is LOVING him, wanting him to join whatever she does, holding his hand, letting him carry her (she doesn't usually allow those outside of the parent/grandparent category this honour).

In addition to having fun in Singapore, we got to take our fun to Bali, where we met Kurt and Amy, Matt's friends from Peace Corps, who are now living in Kathmandu, Nepal. It was a super fun long weekend. We stayed in Ubud, but were able to hike on the outskirts a bit, eat good food (Indonesian and Western), Jer and Kurt went biking, and we took a car around for a day.

I still believe there is something about Bali that takes my brain out of Singapore and makes me relax. Staying with a view of rice fields, seeing ox walk past your window, smelling the smells and seeing the beautiful colours of that place is just good for the soul.

Some highlights of our trip included:

• Eating breakfast on Jeremy's porch every morning with a gorgeous view. The first morning it included an ox, and a perfect mango hanging right over his porch.
• Sam loves shoes (LOVES shoes). We got her these fancy beaded flip flops (for $4), and she was so excited, she had to wear them out of the shop. The sidewalks of Ubud may not be the most consistent...and within about five minutes, Sam had tripped on a huge slab of cement and lost one of her new slippers into the sewer. We went back to get a second pair (one of which was dropped in the road in Singapore today - with cars running on both sides...but it survived. Maybe we should take a hint?)
• The last morning Sam woke up at 6 and was watching Dora in our bed. Our bed had a lovely mosquito net to keep all the bugs out. After about five minutes, I opened my eyes, looked up and I saw a HUGE cockroach on the top of our bed, inside the mosquito net. How long had that been there? EEEEWWWW!!!

breakfast on jer's porch

all of the waitresses at the restaurant (Murni's Warung) hung out with Sam. They showed her the prayer ceremony. She showed them the snail on the wall.

the building at the back of the rice field (not the one on the right, but the shorter one on the left) is where we stayed. this photo caught sam mid-fall/trip.

you see these all over bali, but i think this is the most beautiful one i have ever seen. just at a store on monkey forest road.

sam lived off of grilled cheese and banana juice/smoothie.

photo of everyone but me, though it's dark...at a temple just outside of ubud

jer trying tamarillo, passionfruit and rambutan all at once.

All in all, it was fantastic to spend time with Kurt and Amy. The last time we saw them was 2007 in Hong Kong. It was also great to be in Bali. I just love that place.

New Zealand

We just returned from the best holiday of our lives - perhaps including the future as well. We spent 2.5 weeks on the South Island of New Zealand (almost exclusively), and it was absolutely gorgeous (click here for photos). We flew to Auckland (10 hours), where Sam saw a golf cart type vehicle and called it a tuk tuk. Then we flew to Nelson on the South Island where the stone statues were Buddhas. The place we stayed first, Harris Hill Cottages (HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!) was definitely the highlight of Nelson. The cabin we stayed, City Lights was a one bedroom cabin, with a bed for me and Matt in the main room, a full kitchen, laundry, picnic table and crazy view over the city of Nelson (see photo). We also had a few hundred sheep, cows, ponies, goats, horses, lamas, daisy the pig and dogs at our doorstep.

The first day we drove to Nelson Lakes National Park and hiked up the main mountain as well as around the lake at the bottom. Gorgeous green rolling mountains with sharp snow-covered peaks in the background. We stopped at the Founders Brewery cafe on the way home to try some local brews. Luckily nearly all breweries we have been to in Australia and NZ have playgrounds, so all were happy.

We spent a day exploring Nelson, including finding the jewelry shop which made "THE RING" from the Lord of the Rings (Matt was beyond excited. I couldn't care less). They had a lovely market in town, with fantastic bratwurst, fresh fruit and veggies, etc. We were able to cook simple dinners for a few nights from our purchases at the market. We found the McCashin's Brewery in Stoke, and got a taster. Sam tasted the ginger beer (not really beer) and couldn't get enough.

While staying in Nelson we also visited Abel Tasman National Park. Most of the park is accessible only by water taxi so we saw only the first few hours by foot by the entrance to the park. We visited the Mouteka weekend market first, got amazing empanadas for the hike, with fantastic cherries and strawberries. They also had someone selling used children's clothes, which was fantastic, since we did NOT have enough for Sam. We were able to get corduroys, a sweatshirt and a few long sleeved shirts for a few bucks. Win.

 The park was incredible. The trail mostly hugs the shore, with amazingly blue water, gorgeous cliffs (seemed like limestone - like Thailand, but not as dramatic). While Sam slept in the carrier most of the way out, she hiked a great deal of the way back. At the turn around point we went down to the beach and ate our lunch. Sam was a bit nervous to go in the water at first, and definitely didn't like the waves, but after a while, she loved it. She completely soaked her clothes, so we took them off (see photo), and she had a great time walking up and down the shore, just in the edge of the water.

Leaving Nelson, we took the scenic route, the Queen Charlotte Rd, from Havelock to Picton. It had amazing colours and was well worth the extra kms. On the way down the coast, towards our next destination of Kaikoura, we stopped at Ohau waterfall to see the seals who climb UP the waterfall...We arrived in Kaikoura, checked into our cabin (Kaikoura Cottages - recommended - not anything crazy special but definitely did the job and also had an extra bedroom), went to the grocery store and had a nice evening. It was a bit of a cloudy evening, and we didn't realise until the next morning that we had an AMAZING view of gorgeous snow covered mountains.

We hiked around the Kaikoura Peninsula, which may have been our most beautiful hike we did (see photo). It had gorgeous, blue water on one side, snow covered mountains behind us, and lots of different terrain. Steep climbs, long treks in fields, a bit of pine forest, some even through a few towns and neighborhoods. We saw many seals, and we even saw dolphins jumping in the distance. It can't get much prettier than that anywhere in the world.

After Kaikoura, we drove to Twizel near Mt Cook. We drove nearly a whole day, passing through Christchurch and the brewery which made the beer for the Lord of the Rings (it turns out it's completely disgusting, as it had to be very low alcohol content in order to shoot and re-shoot scenes, but the bottle is cool). It was about 8 hours of driving in total, and Samara was a champ. She slept or zoned out for most of it, only creating havoc for about five minutes total. She rocked. The drive was INCREDIBLY beautiful. We wove down the east coast towards Christchurch - in yellow hills with sea on our left and cute towns every few...hours...? After Christchurch we cut inland and headed towards Mt Cook. It was gorgeous, and then it got even more gorgeous when we hit Lake Tekapo. It's a BLUE glacial lake like nothing I have seen before (see photo). After that was Lake Pukaki (seriously - cool name, right?), which was similar. Apparently there is some silt in the water which makes it blue, and it's amazing.

We stayed in the TINY town of Twizel (would be cool if it was soft "i" but it's like "eye") at the Aspen Court Hotel. Again, nothing to write home about, but it did the trick. The town had so few people but so many restaurants. Sam loved the playground, ate pizza and enjoyed her first hot chocolate. It was FREEZING!

While in Twizel, we spent a day at Mt. Cook. We were driving up to it and Matt insisted on taking a few photos. I was annoyed to stop the car for MORE photos (he loves photos), but it turns out this was a good decision. Once we got there, the weather was super cloudy and we didn't see it the rest of the day. We still have no sense of where the actual mountain was in relation to where we hiked. They told us it would pour after lunch so we better get going. We did the Hooker Valley Track (see photo), which took us up a river, across a few "shaky bridges" (as Sam calls them) and towards one of the glaciers. It was absolutely gorgeous, but raining nearly the whole time. Sam got down a did a bit of hiking on her own, and she loved it. We also did a walk to a glacial lake, which was ok but not as cool as the first hike.

After Mt Cook we headed to Queenstown. The drive there was absolutely unbelievable (though we almost ran out of gas - you can go HOURS without seeing a pump, it turns out!). It was another long drive, and we ended up at our B&B about 15 minutes outside of Queenstown, Crownview B&B. This place is DEFINITELY recommended if you're up for a B&B. They were the nicest people, even the baby played with Sam (in addition to the sheep, dogs, chickens, etc.). The view from their home was the Remarkables in one direction, other, less sharp, but still snow covered mountains a bit to the left, then their gorgeous grass and huge valleys all around their house. Just when I thought it couldn't get any more beautiful, out popped the rainbow (see photo). No joke!

We really enjoyed the Queenstown area. Our first night we got a Fergburger to have at the beach (See photo. Sam had grilled cheese and enjoyed the fries, though she had to defend from the ducks who also love fries). We also visited the Remarkables market - just at the base of the mountains. They had cool locally made crafts and food and even a sandbox for kids. At the Queenstown market we found a lovely piece of art which we both agreed on (this never happens), and we enjoyed live music and generally amazing weather and positive vibe. We did a walk out to Sunshine Bay, along the lake from Queenstown, and that was gorgeous too. As a treat we had lunch at a lovely winery, Amisfield, and Sam kept herself busy on the petanque field.

We took an evening trip to Arrowtown, which is a few minutes away from Queenstown and was crazy historical and gorgeous. The pub where we ate even had a tree-house for the kids to play in. While the boys were all throwing sand and rocks in and out of it, Sam wanted to bring in a pink chair and sit nicely. Boys and girls are so different. We also took a drive up to Glenorchy to hike up Diamond Creek/River (see photo of Sam hiking), and that was gorgeous too (see a trend?).

While Queenstown is generally the place for sky diving, bungee jumping or doing other crazy things, we hiked and took a calm boat ride on the lake. Next time. After Queenstown we drove out to Te Anau to stay on a deer farm at Rose N'Reel. We had our own cottage, literally surrounded by a deer farm, including sheep, a super friendly horse and dog and loads of other animals. We didn't realise they had a cat until we were reading bedtime stories with Sam and the cat jumped in the window and onto the bed...that was alarming, but very welcoming, I suppose. While Te Anau is incredibly gorgeous itself (we did a bit of hiking around the lake and in a neighboring town), it's also the jumping off point for the Milford Sound. We drove out there to take a few hour boat ride, and it was AMAZING (see photo). It was like the cliffs of Thailand or the Philippines but WAY bigger and more dramatic...and with snow and glaciers, waterfalls and other impressive bits.

From Te Anau we drove all along the south (the SUPER scenic route...perhaps not worth it...through the Catlins) all the way to Dunedin. While the town itself was really pleasant, and it's a cultural hub, we were so used to being outdoors that we didn't really know what to do with ourselves. We spent most of our time in the botanic gardens (and they were GORGEOUS!). We stayed at Leithview, another working farm but this time about two minutes from the city. While we found our B&Bs to be fantastic, it's much easier to stay in a self-contained cabin where we can cook, have separate spaces to sit after we put Sam to bed, and more flexibility for noise.

We spent a day on the Otago Peninsula, hiking around, and we ended up seeing two rare sea lions (see photo) at Sandfly Bay. One was sleeping on the beach, and the other walked ashore and got himself comfy while we were there. That was super cool.

We flew from Dunedin to Auckland and spent a day there. Similar to Dunedin, we weren't quite sure what to do with ourselves in a city - so we enjoyed the good food, checked out the main street, the harbour and walked around a lot, but we spent a lot of time in a big park.

All in all, it was absolutely incredible, and without a doubt the most beautiful place I have ever seen in my life. Two and a half weeks was a good amount of time, as any less I would have felt like I didn't see anything and any more, I would be sure that my child would not survive off grilled cheese and pizza alone. The people were super welcoming, the food was super tasty, beer and wine were good, and the prices were WAAAYYY cheaper than Australia, where we went the past two years. If it weren't so damn far away, this New Zealand place would be the most visited place on earth. For sure.