Chinese or Not?

Samara's school is in Chinese 2 of the 5 days per week. Her teachers say that she totally understands Chinese and speaks really well - even with a great accent. She sings songs all day long (like ALLL day long) and some sound like babbles. Perhaps those are Chinese? (one example below)

Today in a taxi on the way home, she was singing some song about a beehive and all of the bees. Then something about a baby bumblebee. Then she sang something else that sounded like babbles. So I asked the taxi driver, "uncle, you know what she is singing?" He said, "yes. Mommy, Daddy, I love you." Obviously.

In other news, we had a wonderful day, now that I'm allowed to leave the house a little bit. We went to a friend, Yael's, birthday lunch, though it was actually at a time when Sam has to sleep, so we went a bit early, and got to spend some time with Yael before we left. While there Sam swam with Matt in the pool, went in the ocean, walked through the sand...and ate the most I have ever seen her eat, ever. She was so happy and so fun. I mostly had to rest after that, but it was exciting enough.

Ten Weeks of Bed Rest

Today concludes ten weeks of bed rest. When I say "concludes" I don't necessarily mean that it's ending, but just that ten weeks have passed, and it's sort of ending (but probably not really). Yesterday or today were the first time since 25 January that I:

• Went shopping (I can't carry anything, but I can go along for the ride)
• Had a meal in a restaurant (dim sum!)
• Cooked
• Washed dishes
• Took a bus
• Went downtown
• Second time (other than the Passover seder) when I left the house to do something other than see a doctor or get a shot in my ass

I am at nearly 23 weeks now, and the baby is doing great, and I'm doing better. The pregnancy has mostly healed, but the doctor expects problems to come back around 28-32 weeks. He said that normally when people have what I had, and still have lots of stuff floating around in the amniotic fluid, that it usually becomes problematic in the third trimester. In the meantime, I get to enjoy limited mobility. We had our 22 week anatomy scan of the baby last week, and they said that all organs are in place and the measurements were as they should be. And yes, it's a boy or a girl.

Now I have been cleared to do some things that I don't have to do. I can go to the mall and walk around. I can get a haircut (I have been waiting for this for MONTHS! I am donating a foot of it!). I can go get my favorite coffee or food or bubble tea. I can go to a friend's house and sit. I still need to rest a lot, and I'm super weak from doing nothing for the last ten weeks. My muscles are so weak that I actually have bad balance because they can't pull me back up when I topple a little. I can barely step up a big step and lift myself. It's very weird, since I have always been such an active, healthy and strong person. 

I have now gained 2 kgs (about 4 pounds) in this pregnancy. It took something like 16 or 18 weeks before I passed my pre-pregnancy weight, because all of my muscle weight has disappeared and turned into baby (plus whatever else is in there) weight. My other weird symptom is that I'm nearly dead with my blood pressure - it's about 85/55. I guess bed rest really does make you relax!

In other news my mother will arrive tomorrow night and can help train our new helper, Alma. She worked for a Chinese family for five years, so she knows lots of Chinese cooking, but she doesn't know anything we eat - even the types of vegetables, pasta, cous cous...never heard of it. She is absolutely fantastic with Samara, and Samara loves her, so I'll take that any day over cooking (and now I can even cook a little bit! YEAH!). My mom will definitely have to teach her how to make challah, because that one I have never mastered, though I have tried.

Equally exciting is that Michigan is in the NCAA Finals!!! We will probably watch on Tuesday morning, either at our place with Slingbox or at our friend, Eric's, if it's on local TV. The Michigan Alumni Club in Singapore watches together, and they had more than 50 people for the Final Four game today! While I would love to join them, I don't think I could sit at a bar for 2 hours - a couch will do me better. Go Blue!!!!!

I think the next few weeks will be very difficult for me in terms of where I set my limits on activity, what I choose to do (get coffee, take Sam to school) and what I choose not to do (dishes, cleaning). I will do my best, and I'm sure Matt will have lots of opinions on the topic.

Tita Rose

I have consciously not posted about domestic help, as it has been one of the most challenging thing for me to deal with in the past few years. It has been a much harder transition for me than getting married (took a while, but we got the hang of it), having a kid (I'm pretty sure I was born to be a mom), getting an MBA (it wasn't even my choice! I swear Matt made me do it - see the getting married part above)...Now that our domestic helper of 2 years plus is leaving this week, I will do my best to sum up the complicated experience for me. I'm guessing this will be a long post.

When we moved to Singapore I learned about "helpers." I was admittedly SUPER judgmental about having a helper. It seemed like so many houses had a quiet Filipino lady who stayed in the kitchen, and it made me extremely uncomfortable. Most people didn't introduce me to their helpers, and they sort of floated quietly around the house. I grew up with a maid who came once a week, but she had the same status as us, had kids who went to my friends' school, and was like us - but just didn't have as many resources. The helpers here seemed to have a different status than their employers, and it didn't sit well with me. I vowed I would never have a helper, as it goes against who I am and how I work.

I then got a full time job and a few months later, got pregnant. When we looked into childcare, we learned that there are EXTREMELY few options for kids who are less than 18 months, and even at 18 months, day care was hard to find - it was schools. We couldn't find options anywhere near our house, and there are a few by our offices, but the hours were difficult. I knew one family who had kids in Singapore and didn't have a helper. ONE FAMILY (and the wife didn't work). We learned that the infrastructure is really set up for people to have helpers, and if you don't, it will be extremely difficult to have a kid and two jobs - perhaps impossible for us.

We decided to try it and see how it goes. We interviewed, looking for someone who has worked for an ex-pat family (there are loads of cultural differences inside the home, not to mention the cooking) and who has taken care of babies. We ended up with someone who was a bit too sophisticated for her job, and while she was a great person, we didn't feel we could trust her with our baby. We then decided to forget about ex-pat experience and baby experience, just looking for a good person with good work ethic. We found Rose when Sam was about 3 months old and she came to live with us right before I went back to work, when Sam was 4 months.

Rose's job as our "helper" is to facilitate our life, basically. She has set up all of the infrastructure so that we can work, enjoy being with Sam and enjoy our lives. And boy did it work. Her main priority is Samara, which means that since Sam was a baby, she was her full-time caregiver (I worked full time until October, a few months ago, when I switched to part-time). She takes her to the playground, the park and the mall, and on play dates with other kids in the condo. She takes her to music class, and she took her to the toddler "mommy and me" class that she was in for 6 months before she started school. Rose knew that when we were home we were in charge of Samara (99.9% of the time - very rarely perhaps one of us was home and the other had to shower...) and when we were out, Sam was her top priority. There were (many) days when I only saw Samara after work, around 6:45, until she went to sleep, around 7:30. Either Matt or I ALWAYS put Samara to sleep, until I was put on bed rest.

When Sam is sleeping or at school, Rose is also responsible for keeping our house clean. She usually does a big thorough clean on Saturdays but keeps it mostly neat, swept and dusted during the week. She also cooks dinner three times per week (we eat leftovers three nights and usually go out one), cuts fruit and veggies, keeps the kitchen organized, prepares all of Samara's food (she's a SUPER picky eater and eats about 7 items) and does the laundry and shopping. She usually does a big shop on Saturdays and picks things up as necessary throughout the week at the grocery store across the street. Saturdays she usually doesn't have any responsibilities with Samara and often would have lunch with friends or spend some time at the mall on her own. Sundays and public holidays she has been completely off. While we always offered for her to go out in the evenings, she very rarely took us up, and she often "babysat" for Samara, once we put her to sleep, while we went out with friends.

At first, I was so uncomfortable employing someone in my home, someone who doesn't feel comfortable eating at my dining room table with me, or someone who feels she needs to use a separate bathroom (seriously - like the Help? I have told her so many times that she can and should please use any bathroom in the house, but she won't)...It felt like even if I wanted her to be at the same "level" or social status as me, she didn't believe she was or could be. I decided that I would remind her that she is welcome to anything in the house, welcome to buy whatever food/toiletries she wants, and I would talk to her respectfully and treat her with respect, and that was the best I could do. Matt and I offered to help support her taking classes on entrepreneurship and other topics that would be a good investment in her future. She ended up taking a class on beauty (the one she wanted on caregiving was full...hm...), and she did end up opening a bank account. The bank account is a big deal because it means that she doesn't feel the cash in her pocket every month, and we gave her saving incentives so that she would not just send everything back to her family in the Philippines. We encouraged her to save for an investment in her future - whatever she thought would be a good one. We tried to teach her to negotiate for a higher salary, review her work and ask for things that she wanted - all of which made her extremely uncomfortable and did not come natural at all. With all of this, we realized we couldn't make her into a businesswoman, or we couldn't make her into something she didn't want to be. We would offer her all different types of support, but ultimately she really needed to want to use some of it.

Rose stays in a room off of our kitchen, with a small bathroom attached. When we discussed with her if she would prefer this room or a bedroom "inside" the house, she said she wanted this room, because it would be completely her space, and she could be separated from us when she was done with her work for the day. We tried to make the room as nice as possible for her - buying a nice mattress and nice bed, putting up shelves, offering cable (she didn't want a TV, and we have since gotten rid of cable), buying her a radio, alarm, reading light, stand-up fan...but it is still extremely small, not air-conditioned and makes me feel sick. She has happily stayed in it for the last 2+ years, and she seems genuinely fine with it, and we regularly check in to see if there is anything she wants or needs, but it is VERY hard not to project my own feelings. This, along with the salary, and the fact that she is so far away from HER family is the hardest thing for me, and this has literally kept me up at nights. Many nights.

Rose is from a small village, about 4-10 hours bus ride from Manila (depending on the bus). She is separated from her husband and has a 12 year old son. Her parents take care of her son. While I have no idea how she spends her salary, I know that Rose supports them in some capacity, and it seems that her siblings, who work in Manila, also help out. Rose went back to visit in January 2012, and she said she preferred not to go again. She will next see her son in about two years, after three years away, when he will be 14.

She has been an amazing fit for my extreme uncomfortability with the issue - which has led to an extreme lack of management due to extreme amounts of guilt. She has a fantastic attitude, a wonderful smile, does everything we have asked (and remembers so we don't have to ask again) and way more. To be honest, I don't think we could have asked for a better situation.

Ideally, I would love to have a helper who comes in the morning and leaves in the evening - like a proper nanny. Unfortunately for us, there are a very limited number of helpers who do this, and most of them are local and much less reliable, as I understand. I don't know anyone who has done this successfully with a local, and I don't believe it is possible with foreigners. There is no minimum wage, and after interviewing a lot in the last few months, I believe that most in local homes are being paid SGD$400-500 per month and a bit more in ex-pat homes. Granted these helpers have all of their housing, food and other costs (toiletries, medical costs, dental costs, trip home, etc.) paid for by their employers, these salaries are extremely upsetting. We decided to pay her at the top of the pay scale and also offer large holiday bonuses (if we were happy with her work, which we were), but it all still doesn't sit well with me. How far off the market can we get?

We have done everything we could to make Rose feel comfortable, welcome and most of all respected while working in our home. We are lucky that she has not taken advantage of us (as our first helper did) and has done an incredible job taking care of Samara and doing all of her other work.

Towards the end of 2012 Rose decided to actively pursue making it to Canada, which she believes will be a good life for her and potentially her son. She believes that moving to be a domestic worker in Chile will help her get to Canada, as she heard that the Canadian embassy there is more accepting of Filipinos looking for work permits. She applied to be a domestic worker in Chile, got a job, signed a contract...and then told us she was leaving. This was right around the time that I was leaving for my work trip which would ultimately put me on bed rest (this is my tenth week on bed rest - but who's counting?). Two weeks ago Rose got her visa and she will be leaving us on Friday night.

As I mentioned, this is one of the hardest things I have done in my life, as it still doesn't sit well with me at all, but it has been the best experience possible, given all of that. Samara absolutely loves her Tita and will miss her so much. She has enabled our life in a way that we will never have again when we leave Singapore, and we appreciate it every single day.

Our new helper, Alma, is starting today, and she also seems wonderful. Unfortunately I know I will have the same anxieties and guilty feelings which I had with Rose, and it will be very hard to manage all of it from my position of power in my bed (that was a joke), but we will all do our best, and ultimately I will be extremely thankful for the opportunity to have this help, especially given my life right now.

You Can't Fly with Only a Right Wing

This morning I learned that the world lost Elissa Froman, and I wanted to share some thoughts about her. Elissa was someone who really stood out to me. She was extremely passionate, thoughtful, smart, a really good friend and just fricken hilarious.

I met Elissa when I was the Program Director at George Washington University Hillel in 2003-2004, when she was a sophomore. I was introduced by Wade Strauss, who was working with engagement of some of the younger students, and she worked with him and some other students to organize the retreat for Jewish freshmen. Elissa felt that Hillel was really organized around Israel and Israel politics as well as religion, but that one major piece was missing. We were, after all a school in Washington DC, and many of the students were interested in domestic politics. Elissa started a student group dedicated to liberal American politics. One of my favorite lines of hers was the non-existent t-shirt design for the student group: Because You Can't Fly with Only a Right Wing. It would have picture of a bird falling out of the sky.

Elissa truly stood out in my year at GW. She was always around, involved in so many great activities and with all of the best people. She did SO much, and she did it with a fantastic attitude and so much dedication. She was always the one who would go shopping for some program at 10pm, stay after to clean up, debrief...and she was just so great to have around. I remember driving Elissa to the airport at the end of the year, to fly off for the summer, and realizing that she was just a super special person.

Every time I was in DC I met up with her, saw her in New York when I lived there, and the last time I saw her was in 2010, when I was 12 weeks pregnant with Samara. She made time to meet me for dinner during the AIPAC convention and a lot of her own responsibilities. She sent a gift when Samara was born, and we swapped a few emails since, but while I was living up my experience in Singapore, Elissa was fighting Hodgkin's Lymphoma.

I won't pretend to know all of the details of her experience or treatment, but she was diagnosed in 2006, she was treated, cancer free, then it returned. She ultimately had a stem cell transplant, and she blogged about some of her experiences, from 2008 to 2011 here. I also don't know the details of her death, but as I understand it, it isn't exactly the cancer, but rather that her body had so much to deal with. She has been in the hospital for over a year with infection after infection and finally her body lost her battle.

Elissa touched and inspired so many lives - she went to Jewy camp, worked at amazing organizations, including the Religious Action Center, National Council for Jewish Women, she was accepted to HUC rabbinical school and was planning to go. And she was a leader wherever she went. She truly spent her life and her well years doing all that she could to make the world a better and funnier place. There is a spot in my life that will be empty of her, and I know this is true for so so many people in Chicago, DC and around the world.

This is another of those moments when I absolutely hate living so far away (and at this moment not even being allowed to leave my apartment at all...). If I were in the US, I would hop on a plane in a minute to be at her funeral in Chicago on Sunday, just to be with so many other people who loved her too. The world will truly miss Elissa Froman.

Bed Rest

I haven't written in two months - and for good reason. Just about nothing has happened to me, as I have been in bed, on bed rest, for the last seven weeks.

A week after my last post I went on an awesome work trip where I spent about three days on Cape Cod with six other women, doing a brain dump on what it takes to launch a program targeting women, in a bank. Other than the fact that I froze my arse off, I learned a lot, got to know incredible women, and loved being in the US. I had a super brief stop in Jersey City and got to spend some time with Eli, then got a few hours with Sarah in Boston, and headed to New York for a day of meetings...then back to Singapore. Only perhaps carrying my suitcase into a bus, then around Boston, lifting it up in the train, up and down the New York subway stairs, through the city, etc - perhaps that wasn't good for me, given the fact that I was 12 weeks pregnant.

Five minutes into dinner with a good friend in New York on that Thursday night, I started bleeding. Luckily Laura was a REALLY good friend, helped me through it (including running to the drug store...twice...), and I ended up seeing my doctor who did my surgery ONE YEAR exactly, before that incident, the next day (and canceled all of my meetings for Friday). He cleared me to fly that night, and I made it back to Singapore on Sunday morning. I assumed it was nothing more than a small blood clot, as my doctor in New York had seen, and I would be fine. Not so much.

After the blood clot got reabsorbed, the sac that has the baby in it (the sac holding in all the black stuff in an ultrasound, with the baby in the middle), detached about 70% from my uterus, and there was loads of blood in between the sac and wall of my uterus. I continued to bleed, and my doctor said I was at major risk for miscarriage. I was ordered to bed and only get up for essentials. It kept getting worse for a few weeks, and it is finally getting better. I have stopped bleeding, and I will see the doctor in a week, and I'm hoping for at least limited movement - like being able to parent actively, get coffee when I went, get fresh air, get food that I want, when I want it...but we will see. Apparently this stuff usually clears up around 18-19 weeks (I will be 20 in 2 days) and then comes back in the third trimester. Should be a fun few months!

Pros of being on bed rest:

• I can talk TV. I have never been able to talk TV (I hate TV), but now I can talk about Downton Abbey, Homeland and Girls.
• I won't be sick of my maternity clothes (as fast...) when I wear them. I can hang out all I want at home, so I haven't even asked Matt to take them down for me yet.
• I have gotten a bit better at asking people for things. I asked a friend to go get me bubble tea (remember I'm also pregnant!), have had friends bring lunch, and ask Rose and Matt for things all the time. I'm usually rubbish at this and prefer to do everything on my own.
• I can read a lot.
• I lost so much muscle that only now, at 19.5 weeks, am I just 1kg past my pre-pregnancy weight. Perhaps it will be easier to lose weight after the baby?
• I get to see Samara a lot - even though I can't parent like I want, I can't potty train, I have a hard time disciplining (though she's so good she does her own time outs while I lie in bed!), and I can't do fun, creative things - I still get to have lots of cuddles. We probably average 10 books per day (usually one book at least 8 times - but not always the same book), and we have a lot of giggles in bed.
• I have the best bedroom to be on bed rest. I have two full walls of windows so lots of natural light, cross breeze (when it's not too hot), a big comfy bed, a nice enough view...it's really not so bad to be suck here, of all places.

Cons:

• It's pretty scary when you're at risk of losing your baby for so long. I have been very reluctant to admit to myself that I am pregnant (though now that I can feel it moving it's easier!), and I haven't felt able to think abut what the future will be like - one month, two months, six months, or a year down the road. Too much is unknown with this.
• I feel super isolated and really need a lot more social interaction than I'm getting.
• I may not always be in the best mood, so I may not be the best wife right now.
• I am probably making socially awkward comments to visitors since my social interaction is so limited.
• I am constantly frustrated that I can't get up and get or do what I want. The biggest challenge for me has been food. For some reason I am so sick of everything we have in our house - even though we can get anything anytime at the grocery store across the street. Just nothing ever sounds as good as a sandwich from a restaurant, or fried noodles or something else that's not in this house.
• I can't cut my hair. It is about a foot too long. The second I get off bed rest, I am cutting it off and donating it. It is heavy, slow to dry, frizzy and just plain nasty. It's about 3 inches from my tush when I pull it straight. WAAAY too long.
• No travel probably until baby is 8 weeks old. That's like hell for me.
• Our helper is leaving in the next month or so, and I can't get out to interview new helpers, or train a new one, or really help with the transition for Sam. This one will only get harder in the next few weeks. 

So this photo is what my life has been. I have borrowed a tray from a friend (lifesaver - seriously), and I switch between my work computer and my personal computer. I play a lot of Ruzzle. I talk to friends and Facetime with family a lot. I have read the news, Facebook and other random things. Watched all of Downton Abbey, the first season of Girls, the first and a half season of Homeland. I'm trying the Wire, but having trouble getting excited about it.

I go to the doctor twice per week to get a shot of progesterone, and other than that I'm not allowed to leave my apartment. Luckily they have a Starbucks at the hospital, so that's one thing that makes me happy twice per week (though when the woman asked me if I want my "usual" today, I was depressed that the hospital - where I don't work! - should see me so often!).

I have had about 3-5 visitors per week - depending on the week. I REALLY appreciate when people come by. It's great to remember that there is a world beyond my bedroom, and I love to catch up and hear what is going on. Also, I'm usually a super social person, and the isolation is very difficult.

This past week was a bit more difficult as Sam got Hand Foot and Mouth Disease from school. She couldn't go out, and I couldn't get visitors. Pretty isolating and hard to keep myself still when trying to entertain a 2 year old. Obviously Rose is fantastic with her, but sometimes she wants to be with me, and I am just super limited. We play everything possible in my bed, and sometimes Sam even has her lunch or snack with my tray (she loves that).

Hoping for good news next week...but all in all, we're so lucky that we got pregnant at all. We were pretty sure that wouldn't happen.

Jacob Ballas Children's Gardens

Sam and I are in love with the Jacob Ballas Children's Gardens. When we pulled up in the taxi this morning, Sam said, "that's mine place!"

It is part of the Singapore Botanic Gardens, and it is pretty much heaven for a two year old. Just this morning, we with with Savta and Papa who are visiting. We arrived and went straight to the sand area with the huge tree house with two tall tube slides. Sam probably played in the sand and on the slides for about an hour and a half. It's shaded. There are other kids there. It's clean (like no trash but way dirty like lots of sand and dirt). And the kids can basically do whatever they want.

After the sand/slide area, Sam showed Savta and Papa the shaky bridge, then the other sand area with the playground for older kids. There's also a little area where you can make music. There were lots of labeled plants and trees so you can see your food and spices growing. After the second playground area we went to the water play area, had a snack and left. We didn't even see the floating dock with loads of fish, turtles and everything else, the little shelters along the way, the big hills, logs to climb on, the maze of plants, the giant mushrooms, the waterfall and everything else.

Sam and I meet friends there about once a week. Come join us on a Wednesday or Friday morning!

Guests who are welcome to stay

We have now lived here for five and a half years, and we have had many guests come through - some were random people we didn't really know, others were random friends who happened to be in Singapore, others were super good friends who came to visit, and of course the most common visitors are family. Overall, we have had fantastic visitor experiences (minus the one year we lived in a 450 square foot one bedroom where we weren't the most hospitable...though we still hosted some of my best friends!). Throughout the visits we have also learned to identify a few characteristics which make great guests. I will also admit that our last visit by Jer really helped us to clarify some of these, as it was a fantastic visit, and I would have been happy if he stayed for another two weeks.

Great guests find some things about Singapore exciting. They bring positive energy into the house. At least something makes them excited and happy to be here. They can complain a bit (perhaps the heat - that's clearly the most common), but then they get excited for the Thai dinner or the museum exhibit. Positive energy in the house is a fantastic guest contribution.

Guests who clearly outline their expectations and hopes for their visit leave nothing to the imagination. One of my least favorite things in life is trying to guess what people think - if you want me to know, just tell me. Please don't beat around the bush. So if you want to exercise everyday, or if you want to eat six different types of noodles, or you want to eat Indian every night (or never), just get it out there. As a "best practice" example, Jeremy created a Googledocs sheet with all of the foods he wants to eat and things he wanted to do. I could literally plug them into my diary, plan in advance to make sure I knew the best way to get there, opening hours, etc., and we got them all in. Not only is sharing expectations valuable, but having expectations and things you want to do also make you a great guest (this relates back to the first point).

Following from this point is general honesty of guests. Passive aggressive answers get us nowhere. Do you want to go for brunch? Yes or no. If it's no, please don't say yes. If you don't like Chinese food, don't agree to going for Chinese food. Just be honest - that helps a lot. Again - that guessing thing is so not my style.

Great guests get out of the house. Again, as best practice, Jer went for a coffee and did work/read for a few hours each day. This gave him some personal space and it also gave us some personal space. We live in 1100 square feet - normally three adults, a two year old and a cat. With guests that's even more people. The general gathering place is the living room, and having people always in your living room is tough - even if you love them to pieces. Just a few hours of an empty couch and no pressure for smiles and conversation is critical.

 (sorry sarah and ben - i can't turn this!)

A few simple tips - please feel free to comment on other good ideas. These are key to me. If you have stayed at our house in the last five years, please do not take anything I said retroactively personal. It's cumulative observations, and all names have been changed to protect the innocent.